The joy and work of parenthood

There was a time in my life when I was afraid that I would never have children.  My life would be incomplete.  For quite a time, I was obsessed with children to the point of desperation.  I was willing to end a relationship to have children.  I was true to that calling and put my entire life in a tailspin to have kids. People told me I was crazy.  People told me that I didn't know what I was getting into. 

I ultimately ended my marriage, left my career, changed my financial status, gave up my home, separated from the majority of my support network in order to have children on my own terms.  Let me begin with the fact that I have no regrets.  It is still the best decision I have ever made in my life.  I can't imagine my life without my kids and all the lessons, joy, insight, purpose they bring to me.

With that said, I am stymied by the constant pull on me.  The never ending drain on my energy, focus, resources, and opportunity.  It is the part of parenting that I intellectualized prior to having my kids, but in reality is stunning.  Even when my kids are not with me, I still feel the pull and weight of parenthood. 

I have the constant negotiation and challenging from Michael and the ongoing clinging of Olivia.  I can't make a phone call.  I can't complete a sentence to one child without the other interrupting, feeling like I choose on child over the other.  The constant screaming that is in my house is brainsplitting at times.  I look at these parents who speak calmly to calm children who speak in calm voices and sit down.  What planet are they from?  It isn't my reality.  As much as I would love that...it just doesn't happen in my world. 

When the kids aren't with me, I have such limited time to be an individual with a full life of my own that I can never seem to get anything of substance to start.  As soon as I figure out what I want for me...reality creeps in.  Sometimes I think that MY life won't begin until the kids are older.  Is that correct?  Is that appropriate?  I wish I could answer it.  I have these visions of what my life could (and is desired?) to be, I just don't know if, when and how to make it happen.  So for now, like Sysiphus, I push my rock up the hill...although, call me crazy, I think I am an inch higher today...

Receiving feedback

So I have spent a fair amount of time lately asking some of my co-workers for feedback.  As my grandmother always said..."Don't ask a question if you don't want the answer."  I have had the sense lately that I have been a bit polarizing at the office wanted to understand what has been going on.  Let's just say it took a bit of time to digest!

Some of the folks said that they liked social Elliott much more than work Elliott.  I couldn't understand that because I think I am the same in both situations.  I found that almost no one could articulate the issue for me.  Finally, one co-worker said that it was almost all due to my position.  Because the authority with my role is undefined, but that I am clearly a part of the management team, they don't know how to interact with me and so it feels like sometimes when I ask for something or want a response for them, it can be seen as demanding or interrupting.  She also said that they are frustrated because they see a fracturing of the different parts of the business and they don't feel they have a ready an access to the top tier.  Because I am with the owner every day, they percieve that I have his ear and they want their requests and information and frustrations to go through me (although they don't share much with me) and feel that it stops with me so I am some type of gate keeper. 

Another co-worker told me that it was my tone of voice...that sometimes I am "too business and not personal enough".  While I don't understand that, it is something that I can be mindful of and really keep an ear out for.  She gave me a few examples and was able to articulate how I might have handled a few situations better.  For that I was grateful. 

What made all of this difficult for me is that the one thing I value above all else is relationship.  I pride myself on my relationship abilities.  I have heard from previous teams that I have led in other organizations that I am the best leader they have ever had and that our team was the only reason they came to work.  Never before have I been in this position.  It really cuts me to the core of my values and self identity.  I am really taking this to heart...and will learn from it. 

My biggest concern is that I find it is making me tentative.  It is making me second guess my interactions with all staff and is inhibiting my ability to drive results and be successful.  I need to spend some time getting some clearer perspective and seeing what it will take to overcome the misperceptions due to my job/role and to own what is truly my responsibility to change...no easy task. 

Christmas time has come

What a difference a year makes.  I can't believe that the children and I are about to celebrate our second Christmas holiday in this apartment.  The year went by so very quickly.  Last year, I had no joy, no celebration and worried about how I would provide for my little tribe, what kind of Christmas celebration would I be able to arrange and whether or not I could put on a cheery face for the little ones.  Because the children still believe in Santa, I had to purchase my own presents and stocking stuffers, wrap them and put them under the tree....so sad!  Last year the Christmas tree was on the sidewalk by noon on Boxing Day with all the ornaments packed and stored.

This year...I am slowly enjoying letting the holiday roll over me.  The tree is up and I am pleased with it.  The presents are mostly purchased and wrapped.  This year, I purchased myself some mighty fine bling and things that Santa just knew that I wanted!  The tree may last until January the way I am feeling.  The children are excited.  We had our Santa picture (even though Santa yelled at me for putting my hand in the picture). 

This year we will have a holly jolly Christmas Eve and morning.  When the children go to the other side for Christmas Day...I may go to the movies, visit a friend, ... or just sit home alone in my PJs watching bad TV...but I won't be sad this year.

When parenting becomes real

Today was one of those days when, as a parent, I saw the two ends of the process.  Needless to say that I am exhausted.

This morning I took the kids to the beauty parlor so Olivia could get her hair done.  She loves this.  It is such a treat for her and she was so appreciative.  Michael sat contently reading people magazine so he could get caught up in all of his celebrity gossip.  I was proud of my little tribe.  Everyone was content and happy.  Olivia got on her holiday dress and looked spectacular with her hair done.  Michael even had a belt on and his shirt was tucked in.  I felt victory.  I can do this!

Off we went to get Santa pictures taken at the mall.  The kids handled the wait in line with almost no redirection and politely waited their turn.  I was the envy of every other parent in line that was herding cats.  The children excitedly sat on Santa's lap and that is when the day started to turn.  I went to use my blackberry to take a picture of the children because it was one of those rare instances where they both looked good, were still and smiled like happy children and robotrons.  Santa yelled at me to back up because my hand with my blackberry got into the way of his photographer.  (It is actually a great picture...and yes, I bought it.)

The kids were hungry so we went, against my better judgment, to the food court.  Thai food all over Olivia's satin Christmas dress.  I thought I could stop at a store or two on the way out to pick up a few presents.  Michael = begging for toys.  Olivia = snot running all over her face.  Olivia and Michael start wrestling and knock a mirror off the store wall.  Michael gets so mad at me because I won't buy him toys and wont listen to his reasoning on why I should buy him everything that he has been waiting for five years (which is ironic because the toy he wanted was just released).

In the car, Michael starts getting incredibly snarky and rude and disrespectful in a way that more than vaguely sounds like my exhusband. Gas meet fire. 

It is early in the evening.  Both children are in bed.  I am exhausted.  But, I wouldn't trade the hardest day with these kids for anything you would offer me.

When I was straight

So...I was having coffee with someone the other day and they used the phrase "When I was straight".  It really struck me.  I had a hard time relating to it because I was never straight.  There were periods of tikme when I led a straight lifestyle, but I was never straight.  However, the phrase has stuck with me. It really got me thinking of what life was like "when I was straight".

When I was straight, I was so concerned with what everyone thought about me that I was paralyzed and couldn't make any choices that I wanted.

When I was straight, I had no ambition...never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.

When I was straight, I would have done almost anything if someone said they loved me.

When I was straight, I drank too much and sexed irresponsibly. 

When I was straight, I had no personal power, dignity or self respect

When I was straight, I had to posture every day and be guarded to what everyone else was able to know about me

When I was straight, I was miserable and unhappy.

I am not straight.  I am still concerned with what some people think of me, but their opinions only inform my thinking and do not rule my life. 

I am not straight.  I have strong ambitions and have been able to accomplish many things and I now feel like an adult.  That is an amazing and wonderful feeling.

I am not straight.  I have learned that just because someone says they love, doesn't mean they do or that you have to love them back.  It also doesn't mean that you lose your voice, your brain or your own self efficacy.

I am not straight.  I have learned that things in moderation, when done safely, is what brings the richness to life. 

I am not straight.  My personal power is strong vibrant and I am proud of the person I have become.  This is me.  No excuses.

When I was straight, I was not me.

The hand of the father...

I had a most powerful dream last night.  In my dream, I was emotionally distraught over the state of my life.  I was depressed and feeling unsupported and in great need.  Out of the blue, my father (who has been dead for 21 years) walked up to me.  Not the Dad that I lost, but a younger and most vitalized Dad.  He asked me how I was doing, and I told him honestly that I was "up and down". He took my hand and walked with me into a building where he was throwing a party.  He was wearing a tuxedo of sorts and looked quite dashing.  He left me in charge and knew that everything would be alright.  His confidence in me and that simple gesture of taking my hand made everything else melt away.  I woke up in a very emotional state.

What is interesting about this dream -- especially for anyone that knew my father -- is that not until the very end before he died, would he have reached out to me in any form.  Only before he died was he able to start building a relationship with me.  By the time of his death, we had what I would call a gratifying relationship. 

I think about him often and believe that my dream was him directly telling me everything was going to be okay...or it was just my mind processing out the many complicated emotions that are my life.  In either situation, knowing that I could hold my father's hand one more time....

Picking my battles

Picking my battles.  This is not always so easy for me, particularly when it comes to my children and my ex husband.  I have been faced with a decision where no answer feels right.  Giving in doesn't feel right, but I certainly understand the desire to do so...and if the situation was reversed, I would want him to do so with kindness.  However, I feel like standing my ground is the right thing to do intellectually, but doesn't feel good either. 

We have come to one of those moments where we both want something and I have the control.  Exercising the control will inevitably have its costs sooner rather than later.  Giving in means giving up an experience that is important to me (and for the children).  I have tried to offer a compromise where I am ending my experience early so that the children can also participate in his plans.  However, that doesn't seem to be a fair compromise for him.  I feel badly about the whole situation and really want everyone to be happy and get along.  That seems to be increasingly more difficult of late. 

I actually think these moments are the worst in the divorce process.  During the actual physical and legal separation, there is an expectation that things will be difficult and antagonistic.  So, here we are.  Three years later and things don't feel any better.  This is some of the sadness I had while we were married that I had hoped would be resolved by the divorce.  I really do care about his feelings and the feelings of his family, but I also have to build a life and foundation for me and the children.  These moments show just how hard those decisions can be and how fragile our working relationship is.  I had just hoped that we would have been able to move to a more agreeable arrangement for the benefit of the children -- and ourselves. 

Meow

I am in Oslo and last night I had a dinner with a colleague.  He is celebrating his 28th anniversary with his husband.  They are really quite the couple.  They fight and argue but when meeting them, everyone can tell what an enmeshed and connected couple they are.  You can tell why they are together and it all makes sense. 

Last night he gave me an ear full about how I need to start living.  It was done with kindness.  However, it really left me with a lot to think about.  Recently I have met a person that wants to date me.  He is genuine, kind, hard working and extremely patient.  He doesn't pressure me in any way and seems to be interested in me for all the right reasons.  Yet, I am hestitant.  My colleague couldn't understand my hesitation.  I couldn't articulate it for him.  Mainly because I don't understand it either. 

I try to live my life boldly...as boldly as possible.  For some reason, this aspect of my life is one where I am skittish and not willing to "jump in".  I tried to articulate it to him.  "I have children and I don't want them to get hurt....I don't have time...dating is not in the budget right now...blah, blah, blah."  He didn't buy any of it.  I am not sure of the real reason I am so hesitant and can't move forward in my personal life with boldness...but I need to figure it out.  After all, I don't want to be crazy cat lady when it is all over.

It Gets Better

I, like so many others, have been horrified by the rash of gay teen suicides. The truth is that this is not a new issue, it just has gotten a lot of media lately.  Why?  I am not sure, but I am glad that it is.  As many of you know there is a video project started by Dan Savage called It Gets Better.  He has been able to get famous and everyday folk to post videos talking about how life gets better after surviving gay childhood.  I urge you to go to YouTube and watch some of the videos.  They are moving and powerful.  And then I urge you to create your own if you have a story to share.  Gay teens and others need to hear that there is another side to the story.  I have created my video and uploaded it.  My link is in the left nav bar of this blog.  While I am sure that it is not in its final form, I wanted to be part of the process.  I will work on the video...give it more details.  But, I didn't want to have to wait until I had the perfect message in the perfect frame.  I felt it was important to get it out there now. 

Being understood

After my divorce, I had a deep and honest relationship with someone for nearly a year.  I count myself fortunate to have been able to have that experience.  I truly believe this person loved me, had the best interests of me, my children and us as a couple in the forefront.  He is remarkably kind, generous and was instrumental in helping me and the children through the ugliest parts of the divorce.  It had all the makings of a lifelong success.  Unfortunately, things worked out differently.

We were both faced with such tremendous life change at the same time that we became overwhelmed with managing the changes in my life as well as the many significant shifts that were happening in his.  He allowed the children and I to live with him for a period of time and this past week marks the one year anniversary of our moving out of his house.  A sad anniversary for us all.

After the move there was tremendous hurt and sadness on both sides.  We got to the point where we could hardly speak to each other and all avenues of communication and bridges to our relationship were, in effect, closed.   It always felt like such unfinished business.

This week we spoke again.  He had always been quite articulate in being able to tell me why he was hurt and how he felt I contributed to the ending of the relationship.  He was right most all accounts. What was different this time is that I actually believe that he has heard for the first time what my experience was and how his behaviours, attitudes and choices affected me.  And, he apologized.  I felt like I had closure on my sad memories.  I felt like that part of our experience is settled, if not healed. 

Simply being understood and heard is such a powerful experience that I take pause.  I realize that I need to try to do that more with others in my life.  (I am sure that Michael would tell you that I need to do that more.)  Thanks BA for reminding me of the power of simple words like "Thanks for telling me that.  I didn't put that together and I am sorry."  It means everything.

Nothing White

That has been my diet.  No white flour.  No white sugar. No white rice. No white potatoes.  The only white things I have been eating are cauliflower, dairy and fish/chicken.  That and portion control has had a significant effect on my body.  In one month I have gone from a size 36 to a 34.  My energy is up. I feel better.

However, I realize that I have a real relationship with food.  Giving up all the food that I love and the ability to eat what I want when I want is like being in mourning for a lost relationship.  I feel like I have been ditched at the alter.  No wonder keeping my body in shape has been a life long struggle.  I have been in this relationship with food for a loooong time!  Over the past several years, I have been making lots of relationship changes, and I realized that this relationship had to be the next one to change. 

This is not to stay that we won't try to get together again in the future -- that I won't have a lonely night without a creamsicle and want to reunite, but I am trying hard to maintain the same philosphy I have with other relationships I had to end.  I ended it for a reason.  Even if I miss it, and forget why we broke up...we broke up for a reason. 

My Triggers

Over the past few days, I have been really reviewing my triggers when it comes to my relationship with my ex-husband.  I don't want to focus on his behavior, communication style or experience.  I know that I can't understand, explain or control any of that.  That is not to say that I don't wish I was so powerful that I could.  However, I am insightful enough to know that I can only control, change and manage my own experience, behaviour and thoughts. So, let's just focus on that for now.

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself getting defensive, often aggressive and angry and unkind.  At best, I am short, dismissive and irreverent and often find myself hunkering down in my emotional bunker as hurtful words and tone are lobbed back and forth.  This is not good for my children and doesn't make me feel like the person I hope to become someday. I am trying to breathe, take a moment and stop being so reactionary.  I am adding to the agita that we both feel and does not get us closer to the goals that I have. 

So, what are those goals?  I had to give that alot of thought over the past few days.  I know that we may never be friends because there is so much water under the bridge, but that would be the ultimate.  At a minimum, I would like us to be collaborative, with trustful communication, mutually supportive and build a family structure that makes the kids feel like they can have everything without choosing sides, and my ex and I don't have to feel like we are on opposite sides of the war. 

Lofty goals to be sure.  First step is that I have to learn to break down my bunker...one sandbag at a time.

Nothing going on

I am in this period of nothing going on.  I am on a simple track of work and parenting.  There isn't a lot of diversion.  For the most part, I am having no stressors, no major battles, no mountains to climb (and for those that really know me, realize that is weird).

At times, I feel like I need to tip over the apple cart just to see where the apples will fall.  These periods of "rest" don't always feel comforting or good to me.  It has come to my awareness that I am at my best when there is major activity and my brain must solve/resolve complexity, when I am up against deadline and major project accomplishment.  This relatively easy period is unsettling.  I really should try relax, regroup, reenergize and plan for the future.  It just isn't me no matter how hard I try.  I want challenge.  I want to focus on something big.  These periods of "nothing going on" make me feel that I am not accomplishing anything.  Does anyone have an apple cart I can borrow?

Am I Lonely?

Several people of late have asked me if I am lonely. My classic response is "No!"  However, when I reflect on the real question, I am not sure what the real answer is.  What is "lonely" and do I feel that way?

I often feel that I am supposed to be strong and independent.  A real classic American male who can fight the wilderness, tie a perfect box knot, hunt for dinner, provide a safe and warm home for my family, be ultimately self-reliant.  Does that mean that I have to do all of that alone and if I am doing it alone, do I have to feel good about it?

I think the real question people are asking is "How are you surviving the transition after divorce?"  I am surprised that now more than three years after the separation and breakdown of my marriage, I am still feeling the effects of divorce.  Somehow, I just figured that this would be the time of rebuilding, feeling strong and vibrant and I would have moved on with my life.  In many ways, I have.  I have a stable home.  The kids seem to be doing particularly well and are only challenging me in age appropriate ways.  My career seems to be on track and I am happy with my job.  Financially, I am making it (not easily...but making it).  But, am I lonely?

I think the real answer is still "no" (minus the capital letter and exclamation point).  Do I miss being married?  Yes.  I do not miss being married to my ex, but I do miss being married.  I miss the emotional give and take.  I miss the security in having someone pick up where you fail.  I miss the ease of comfort in being able to say to a friend "I would love to meet you for a cup of coffee."  For now, If I am not working, I am single parenting.  There is no "Me" time.  There is no "Us" time.  There is only "You time".  I think of sharing intimacy -- both physical and non -- with someone that wants to share intimacy with me. 

Am I lonely?  No.  Am I tired of being alone?  Yes.  But, what a learning lesson this has been.  I do not want a relationship by default simply because it is available to me.  I want the right relationship and until that one comes along...I will continue to hunt for dinner as any classic American male would do.

Learning from the blog

Usually my blog is a reflection of something that happens in my day that brings new understanding, awareness or just thoughtfulness. This entry is actually one that was initiated from my blog. The other day, I wrote an entry about being in the fourth grade. It was a reflection on how my experience has been completely different from Michael’s and how children can be healing and with time, most things level out.

An anonymous poster wrote a comment that some readers had a reaction to, and I was not sure how to take. When I read it the first time, I took the comment to be supportive, then I wasn’t sure. In any case, I am happy that the poster put the comment on my blog. The blog is intended to be a place where I sort through many of the confusing and unsettled aspects of life. I am happy that readers might also use the blog for processing out what might be related and unsettled for them.

I have spent the past few days thinking about who I have judged and made to feel awkward, unattractive or unwanted. Then the list got too long so I decided to change to a different tactic. Rather than looking at others and what their experience has been, I have decided to look at my own behavior.

Have I judged others and made them feel less than? I am positive of it. Have my behaviors had long lasting effects on others? Without question. Am I learning from these experiences and wish that others had a better experience in their dealings with me? Yes. Will I do it again? Guaranteed. The better question is “am I trying to do better?” and that answer is definitely. As Grandma always told me “As you know better, you do better.” Thanks Grandma. You are wise and I will.

Fourth Grade

Michael started fourth grade yesterday. Now, I am not stupid. I have been around the block a few times. I know that fourth grade comes after third grade. Not just here, but everywhere. Yet, when I woke up yesterday, I had this feeling of “What the &%$#@!” It was like Michael was pulling a fast one on me.


Not to mention that my mother just came to visit and gave me my fourth grade report card (which seems like it was a million years ago). It came in a brown envelope and all of the students in my class wrote their names on it. In many incidents, these were kids that either ignored me or were less than kind to me. I was not popular. I had very few friends. I was fat, awkward, and immature. I had red hair and a face full of freckles. Kids teased me and started to identify me as gay – to their own relishment. My teacher at the J. J. Mitchell Elementary School was Mr. Moran. My memory of him was that he was a stern and joyless older man with white hair. Out of all my elementary school teachers, he is the one I remember the least.

Fast forward. I walk Michael into school. He is athletic, beautiful and popular. Every kid and every teacher is giving him a warm greeting, a high five or a request for a play date. His teacher is thrilled to see him again after the long summer break. He is everything I always wanted to be. He settled into his seat without any anxiety or reservation and his only concern before I left the school was whether or not we could have taco night for dinner.

Dinner time. I was checking email before the kids and I sat down. On Facebook, several of the kids that I was in fourth grade with are now Facebook friends. Clearly we have grown and matured. Michael reported that he had a great first day and is looking forward to going back. And…we had one hell of a taco night.

Starlight, Starbright

Today the children are with Tony this weekend. It feels like I have a rare opportunity to be home by myself. I am not in a hotel room and I can get the house clean, eat dinner without ketchup, watch whatever I want , soak in the tub and actually make plans to see friends without having to worry about what time I get home and how much the babysitter is going to cost. Sounds like heaven…and in many ways it is.

However, on the way to work this morning, riding my scooter, I found myself singing a particular little ditty in my head. Not just any ditty but a very important ditty.

On the day Olivia was born, after I witness the glory of her first breath, I cut her umbilical cord and carried her into the nursery. The nursing staff left us alone. Olivia in her bassinet under the warming light and me. Our first moment alone. I found myself stroking every inch of her naked body in amazement that I made this stunning creature. She opened her eyes and looked at me. Me. Her father. In that instant I naturally started singing a lullaby to her. It just came to me.

You are my starlight
Your are my starbright
I wish for you
A love that's true
Someone who'll love you like I do

I wish I will
I wish I might
This little wish I make tonight
This I do because I love you

Any way...it went on for a few verses.  And I still sing this to her when we cuddle at night.

Riding my scooter in the morning sun, I felt tears running down my face.  I realized that little wish, so clear in my mind, will come true someday.  She will will find a love that is true and I will just be her Dad.  This means the world is as it should be.  My dream come true.

Kids being kids

short post.  Let's just say.  Children + Carbs + Skype = Insanity.  Lesson learned.

Summer's Bounty

The joy of having another adult in the house is that I get to the things that I keep saying...I need to get to that!

This morning I went for a run with Michael (okay, I went on a "almost died" with Michael), canned 6 jars of fresh tomatoes and made 7 jars of cashew pesto.  I finally got around to reaping the benefits of a great summer bounty!  Perhaps tomorrow I can build on this wave of success and can some peppers and eggplant...and go on one more death run with Michael.

Adding to the plate

Sometimes it is when we are in a holding pattern that we get the greatest clarity. While there is a tremendous amount organizational change at work this week, the rest of my life seems to be in a holding pattern. This is good. I am really looking at how to structure what comes next.


This morning I was asked to join the board of the local community center. It is a 21 month board seat and I accepted. I am not sure how it will all go but I really felt that even though taking on another responsibility was crazy, I need something that will help me to connect with my community. I need to get out of my house and engage other adults in something that doesn’t have to do with parenting. When the call came this morning I was thrilled to be asked and look forward to the chance to build something great for our neighborhood.

Of course, after I accepted and had the day to think about it, I realized that the reason I am a member of the club is because of the children and wanting to provide them with an opportunity to stay connected with their social circle. So, this means that I will be engaging with all the parents of their friends and helping to strengthen their social ties by being more involved.

Lesson learned? Everything I do is about parenting – either directly or indirectly. This is about them and us as a family. My days of only doing for me are over. Thank goodness.

Expectations gone awry

I was so looking forward to this morning. It is the first morning in more than a week that I had the morning to myself (and the last morning for more than a week…) I spent an entire week thinking of taking last night and getting my house in order again, getting up and enjoying a cup of coffee, taking a shower with having to yell “I’m in the shower…give me two minutes!” and actually getting to work with a minute or two to spare.

I must have been asking for too much! My house is a wreck, I overslept so I raced through my shower, haven’t had coffee yet (can you imagine?) and barely made it to work on time. Is this the karma gods telling me something?

My mother comes tonight for a three night visit. So tomorrow, even though I am taking the day off from work, I don’t expect an easy, relaxed or quiet morning…but I do plan on yelling “I don’t know…go ask your grandmother!” as close my eyes and sink deeper into the tub (and hearing the duck squeek.)

If a picture paints a 1000 words...

It was one of those moments when I had another reality check about the new normal. The town I live in has been named one of the top ten places in America to live for the past many years. Money magazine, in their annual multi-page article, used a picture of my former home (now Tony’s home) as the cover shot for the article. Several neighbors felt the need to contact me to say how wonderful it is that the house is in the magazine and how proud Tony should be. In fact, they suggested that he contact the magazine to get a high definition print that he can frame.

I was devastated. It took me a while to figure out why. Here are my issues:

1. Why would people feel the need to contact me to tell me that my ex husband’s house is the sample of all that is good…when it is the house that I had to leave and give up?

2. While I know it is only a house, the purpose of the photograph is to show what a wonderful life it represents. It was a clear reminder of the loss.

3. I felt a strong inequity between Tony’s standing and security and mine and it scared me on some level.

I felt I should take the higher road and call Tony to congratulation him and tell him that it was a wonderful photograph. He didn’t know the house was in the magazine, so I broke the news to him. What was his reaction? “Can they do that without my permission?”

I instantly felt better. I realized why I no longer live in that house. Tony always started from that negative point of view and has to be brought to joy (or at least acceptance.) He can have his house, his photograph and his concern about permissions. I am doing just fine.

There's no moss on a rolling stone

I amazed that everytime I think I have got to a resting point in all the change known as my life, I realize that there is still so much going on.  I try to take a reflective break every once in a while just to enjoy all that is happening, to get perspective and to recharge. 

This past week, I have been on vacation with the kids.  We had a great week.  We went to water country, to PTown for a few days, hung out at the pool, did family bike rides and more.  We laughed alot, ate good food and everyone got some special time.  It was a great week.  We really had some good times that will be memories that are cherised. 

In the midst of all this, I realized that I still have many difficult choices that need to be made and some rough seas ahead.  There is still no easy place to be and all three of us have some major adjustments that we are still working through.  I never expected the enormity of the change or that it would be this long lasting.  Things that I thought would be difficult were relatively easy...and the things that I thought I could just skip through are the ones that really bog me down.

So...for now...I enjoy this bit of respite before I get up and start charging forward once again.  Renewed and thankful for this time.

I am what I eat...

I don't understand why I can't seem to remember that when I eat better and get even the slightest bit of exercise, I feel so much better.  This morning I had a modest, healthy breakfast, went on an hour long bike ride with the kids and then had a crispy salad for lunch. I feel terrific.  Now, this shouldn't be news to me because everytime I do this, I feel terrific.

The bigger quandry is why can't I remember this on other days?  Why can't I continue to make these choices on a regular basis?  It is almost like there is a conspiracy going on in my head that says feeling crappy is so much easier...just let go...fall to the dark (read:  fat and lazy) side...

I wish it was as easy as those commercials to get rid of mucus...a simple pill and the mucinex clears you right up.  Perhaps if I view my bell pepper as mucinex for my fat ass and cherry tomatoes as an upper I might be more consistent. 

#87...whale watch

Today I am doing #87 on the list:  Whale watching.

Such an easy thing to accomplish and never did.  I am excited to cross one more thing off the list!  The kids are ready and off we go!!

OK...so we went off to Stellwagon Banks...we saw two mother/calf pairs and a few escorts...no breaching but they were amazing!

"Will work for education"

I just did it and surprisingly, it didn't feel good.  I just sent off a very large check to pay off my student loans.  I spent my security money and now that I own my education, I feel like I am even more at risk.  I hated having that loan over my head.  I have been hoarding the money I got from my divorce settlement and did it.  Now it is nearly all gone, but so is the majority of my debt. 

My theory -- whether faulty or not -- is that the money I have been spending each month on student loans could be paid into my savings to build my security back up...and I will be earning interest not paying it.  Now, all I have left is my car loan, and that is a significantly smaller loan.  Then I am completely debt free. 

I had expected to have a feeling a joy, freedom or at least relief.  I got none of those.  All I had was worry that I was making a mistake by spending the money I used for security.  This is was one of those times that I felt truly single and wished that I had someone that would say "Don't worry, we are in this together."  But, the burden is on me. I hope the kids don't ask for a pony...the stables are empty.

PSA

So, I have been wondering what is going on in Olivia's little head.  Lately, over the course of the past few days, she has felt the need to randomly tell people that she has two daddies and that we don't live together.  We lived together before but not anymore. 

She is pretty matter of fact about the whole thing...like she was announcing that the sky is up and the park is to the left. But, what is going on in her little brain that she is telling everyone this?  Why is she focusing on it?  I wonder if it is that she is just now getting the reality that her family is structured different from most of the families that she knows and the difference is just more apparent now or if she is needing some kind of support.  I am thinking she is okay because she is so blase about how she talks about it and seems happy in every other sense.

The Death of Innocence

So the other day, I have Shirley, her daughter Crystal and my friend Stephen over for a barbeque with the kids. The night is relaxed and we are all enjoying a nice summer evening telling random stories.  That was a recipe for disaster.

Shirley begins telling this story that goes like this:  "It reminds me of the time that Crystal found out that the tooth fairy wasn't real....."

Really? 

Michael turns into RainMan and starts repeating the mantra "What do you mean the tooth fairy isn't real?"

Olivia is oblivious, Crystal and Stephen are dumbstruck and I keep saying to Michael "Stop talking!" 

All of a sudden, the blood drains from Shirley's face and she says, "Did I say that out loud?"  She is traumatized and can't move or speak.  Michael continues with his mantra with me repeating the need for him to be quiet.  I tell Crystal that Olivia wants to show her the new bike.  Olivia, for the very first time in her life, says "But Daddy, I thought we weren't supposed to get up from the dinner table?"

Crystal grabs Olivia and goes for a walk.  I tell Shirley that she should take Michael for a walk...I have to repeat that a few times before Shirley has her wits about her to get off her chair.  She grabs Michael and takes him into the house.  Stephen and I burst into hysterical laughter.  Then I leave Stephen all alone at the dinner table. 

As I enter the house I see Michael with his hand out and Shirley with her purse open, dropping a twenty onto his palm.  "For future lost wages..."

Now, if you have been with me for a while, I am sure you can probably figure out what happens next....

Michael's hand is still out and he says, "What about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus?"

He went that-a-way!

So, I am sitting on the tarmac at London Heathrow and I find myself at another crossroad.  A professional one this time and I am not sure which direction is best for me.  I am about to have my annual performance review and the company is on the verge of transformation -- in very good ways.

I am fairly confident that I will get a great review and hopefully a decent increase.  However, I also know there is going to be a bigger decision to be made about how I fit into the bigger picture of the organization.  Here is the frustrating part -- This conversation is going to be in code because the powers that be (and I don't "be") haven't finalized their planning yet.  So, I am left to surmize what the options are.  Here is what I can figure out:

1. More of the same.  Pro:  I am good at it and it doesn't require a lot of investment now that I know what I am doing.  Con:  It is getting boring.  I am not growing clinically and it is a dead-ender.  I will eventually have to leave.
2. Purely clinical role.  Pro:  I will deepen my clinical skills and be better prepared for the LI exam, although it still won't be as deep as I would like to go.  Con:  I have control needs and need to feel like I am part of the driving force of the organization and decision making process.  Unless this role can grow deeper, I will probably have to leave after my LI.
3. Bigger leadership role.  Pro:  If it can develop over time, I will be able to use both my clinical and business backgrounds and will have some big growth potential.  Con:  I am not sure how this fits into my longer term personal planning.
4. Something I haven't yet considered. 

 I am a bit anxious about this conversation for several reasons, most of which are petty office politics stuff, but this is the big one.  I have been needing a stronger vision for myself for the past several months and this conversation will be key to being able to set some clearer direction for me and the children.

Hello Guv'nah!

I am in London..one of the perks of my job.  I get to travel about 6 month out of the year to really fun places in Europe.  In the past few months I have been to Paris, Dublin, Barcelona, Madrid, Toledo.  This weekend I went to Salisbury and Stonehenge.  No complaints.  No "but" (I learned to scratch my "but" a long time ago!)  AND I miss the kids.  I really wish they could be here with me to see and experience all that I get to do.

Not much more to say other than, I do this to raise my family (although I really love my work) and if I had better options, I am not sure that I would travel this much without my kids.  Just...wishing they were here with me....

Shirley, you jest!

Oh, to be a kid again!  I just got back from a business trip to New York City.  I go every month.  This month was different.  Shirley, who had never been to New York, decided to come along. 

We talked about this about a year ago.  Shirley, who is deeply seated in the love family, has been a cornerstone of my support.  We first met when we were 18 years old and working at Denny's.  After the restaurant would close, we would sit in the back parking lot in her pick up and talk about absolutely everything.  She made me feel smart, important and cared about. But, a few years later, I ran away to the army and we lost touch.

Often there would be times that I would ask myself, "I wonder what happened to good ole' Shirl..." Then one day, many years later, I got a mysterious letter in my mailbox.  Inside the envelope, a self addressed stamped envelope fell out along side a simple letter that read:

I am looking for my dear friend.  If this is you, please call me!  If this is not you, please return the empty self addressed stamped envelope so I know to keep looking.  Thank you.

I couldn't believe it.  Shirley still lived in the same house she did way back then (she bought it from her mother).  She had two grown daughters.  We met two days later and everything was as it was years before.  During that first meeting Shirley said to me, "You know those times in your life when you rush to the phone to call that one best friend to talk about something really good or really bad?  Well...I never had your number.  I have been looking for you for 12 years...and I can't believe I finally found you."   Love family...this is the definition.

So here we are...running through Times Square, seeing a Broadway show and having the time of our lives...just like we did when we were kids.  She is still the funny, wonderful, warm, loving friend.  I never laughed so hard.  Shirley...you are the best!

Hello brick wall...let me introduce you to my head

Some days are like banging your head against the wall.  The simple things that should just naturally happen are made difficult.  Power and control rears it's ugly head. Deep breathing so I don't go crazy.  Say "yes" when I can and make it about the kids.

The kids are with me.  Michael tells me that he had a note from camp that talked about what he needed to be prepared for camp in the morning.  The note was taken out of his bag.  When I sent an email explaining that both parents needed to have all of the information so that we could co-parent effectively, I get the "non answer" of "copies are being made."  Yet, I still don't know how to prepare Michael in the morning. 

How will Michael feel when he gets to camp and doesn't have what he needs for the daily fun activities and all his peers are prepared and ready to go.  Who do you think he is going to get frustrated at?  It is not worth the fight.  I will just ensure Michael has a good day and figure it all out on my own.

So this just means one more brick wall to break down...with my head!

The original bucket List

Long before the movie the Bucket List came out, I made my own bucket list (on my 30th birthday) as I flew from CA to Boston.  I have not changed any items, although looking at the list now, I would like to edit a few...but think that I should leave it as it is.  So far, I have done 44 of them...the rest are a work in progress...

1. Learn to play the saxophone
2. (Visit the Parthenon 9/21/98)
3. (Learn Spanish 7/2/97)
4. Learn American Sign Language
5. Have a 55th birthday
6. Visit Hawaii
7. (Own property 2/16/96)
8. (Own twin puppies 11/22/96)
9. (Be debt free for six months 6/00)
10. Lose my love handles
11. Tell the hot tub installers to “put it over there!”
12. (Be on a talk show 9/16/00 Oprah’s Oxygen)
13. (Wake up in a sleepy English bed and breakfast 9/19/98)
14. Go on an African safari
15. Fly on the Concorde
16. (Overcome my fear of heights 9/05/02)
17. (Look my age 9/96)
18. (Write a book about my life 2/97)
19. (Finish a NY Times crossword puzzle without cheating 1/13/97)
20. (Understand where all my money goes 1996)
21. (Have a passport 10/15/96)
22. Have firm inner thighs
23. Visit every Olympic City
24. (Have a tan 7/4/99)
25. Meet Bette Midler
26. (Sing without making babies cry 7/1/99)
27. Say I’m finished with formal education
28. Turn down cream sauce
29. See the Taj Mahal
30. Scream “Ole!” at a bullfight
31. (Fly first class 5/10/96)
32. Find my godmother, Jan
33. Step foot on every single continent
34. Scuba dive
35. Not be afraid of the government
36. (To able to get legally married 9/8/2004)
37. Be able to sail by myself
38. Drink margharitas in the Carribean
39. Go downhill skiing
40. (Throw pottery 9/2005)
41. (Hang an original piece of art in my house 6/15/96)
42. Learn to hang pictures on the wall -- straight
43. Keep up with my cousin Marsha in her 90 minute high/low class
44. Read all of Shakespeare
45. (Wear a vest without a shirt 8/22/95)
46. Have well defined arms
47. See a cure for AIDS
48. (Understand football 2/02)
49. (Have a manicure 4/25/96)
50. (Have a totally frank conversation with my brother 9/02)
51. (Have my groceries delivered 1/8/00)
52. Not worry about fat grams
53. Eat without spilling on myself
54. (Let people put my address in pen 2/16/96)
55. (Get the salary I feel I am worth 10/14/97)
56. Learn to play the piano
57. Have muscle dimples on the sides of my butt
58. Wear cowboy boots with spurs
59. (Go to the dentist without being told to floss more 9/15/97)
60. (Visit Eastern Europe 9/2003)
61. Row crew
62. (Go to Mardi Gras 2001)
63. (Sleep until 1 p.m. 12/22/96)
64. (Parent 9/2003)
65. Understand the complexities of wine
66. Learn to read music proficiently
67. Have sex at 30,000 feet
68. (Go to a coffee shop where everyone knows my name 2/1/96)
69. Understand women
70. Understand men
71. Go gray before I go bald
72. (Live within my means 1996)
73. (Learn to make sushi 8/7/95)
74. (Tell the carriage driver “The Louvre please.....” 11/8/98)
75. (Use a bidet 7/2/97)
76. See the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall
77. (Learn to stop eating when I am no longer hungry 1/29/99)
78. Not take people for granted
79. Shear a sheep
80. See the Northern lights
81. Understand how my body works
82. (Own a 4-wheel drive truck 5/1/93)
83. (Get a full body massage 9/6/96)
84. Take my shirt off in public without reservations
85. Own a sand colored linen suit
86. Go on a hot air balloon ride
87. (Go on a whale watch 8/7/10)
88. Look good in yellow
89. Sleep on the beach
90. Milk a cow by hand
91. Walk the Great Wall of China
92. (Eat venison 11/6/98)
93. (Have a flower garden 4/1/96)
94. (Look good in glasses 9/13/98)
95. Parasail
96. (Get a tattoo 11/11/95)
97. Live on the water
98. Go white water rafting
99. Have a master bedroom suite
100. (See Mikhail Baryshnikov dance 2/26/99)

A slow build

So things are starting to build slowly with the man that knows my ex-husband.  I am happy to report that association hasn't interfered with our ability to get to know each other in a healthy and wonderful way.  That is not to say that there haven't been any impacts, but most of them have been on his side and not mine - and he reports that he is okay with how things are developing.

We talk nearly every day and see each other on the weekends.  I like that there is no mad crazy passionate puppy love.  Instead, there is a comfortable and enjoyable nesting.  I think the fact that we both have children and are older, we are taking a more paced approach.  We are spending time, being comfortable with each other and the children (the good thing is that I don't have to worry about when to introduce him to the kids...my ex has already solved that for me!) and building trust and intimacy. 

I have never really had a relationship that had a slow build to it and I appreciate the natural speed bumps along the way.  I am feeling like I can objectively look at him, us and the opportunities to decide if things are going in the right direction.  It is easier to be honest and discuss what is happening when you aren't rushing to the finish line.  Besides...who wants to be that sweaty after running a marathon?

FUNN

Everyone has a collection of people that come in and out of their lives at a particular time for reasons that we don't understand at the time.  Only in hindsight, do we realize the subtle but important impacts they had on us.

Fran Dunn is one of those people for me.  I always called her FUNN because her mailbox was F Dunn but the D fell off -- and it was so appropriate.  FUNN was the aunt of a kid I went to high school with.  He lived with her because of some unfortunate roads his life took.  Rudi is an amazing guy and I credit his aunt for a majority of it.  Rudi and I became close friends in college when he became my fraternity brother.  We spent so much time together ... most of it at FUNN's house (which was a trailer in a trailer park).

She would yell at us for being crazy and doing silly freshman fratboy antics, but she always loved us, knew where we were, who we were with and we always knew that we had a place to come back to.  She carried a big stick (but it was padded with concern and caring).

FUNN died this weekend and her funeral is tomorrow.  I am going. I am sad. I am full of wonderful memories of a woman that came into my life and showed me that I was worth caring about.

Miff: (trans. verb): to put into an ill humor; offend

Sometimes I get miffed.  Usually only for short periods of time, but I get miffed.  I hate that feeling.  This morning I got miffed.

I had an interaction with my ex this morning that stirred the pot.  The core details aren't important.  In the long run, it doesn't matter.  Perhaps I expect too much from people.  It often happens when people's behaviors aren't in the best interest of the kids or don't align with my values.  I know I had little control before the divorce and I have even less now.  However, I still get miffed from time to time. 

My learning in this?  Breathe.  It isn't worth the fight.  I can only control my own behavior and perspective and so that is what I will do.  I will change my course of action and challenge my own perspective.  I will remind myself of my four operating principles:

1.  I love my children more than I am angry at my ex
2.  My children need to have strong and loving relationships with both parents
3.  The divorce was for me and everything else is for the children
4.  I will say "yes" whenever I can and only push back on those things that are non-negotiable.

In the meantime, I will take deep cleansing breaths, regroup, make a new plan.  I can manage.

An extra day

I took an extra day off today as comp time for all the travelling I have been doing lately.  I got the kids up and ready for the nanny.  And now I don't know what to do.

I feel guilty that I have the day off and I didn't give Ava the day off as well.  She works so hard and has been with us since the day Olivia was born.  She is dedicated and has been such a strong asset for me and the kids.  

I could give her the day off from my kids because she will still have Alex (the baby in our nanny share) so she could be covered.  However, I also just want a day.  I am not sure what I to do with myself.  I have no plans and can't imagine what to do with my time.  I feel like I should spend the day with the kids but also feel a bit run down. I want to lay on my ass and watch TV, take naps....but I am also saying that I have no time to go to the gym and get healthy...

Maybe I will start with an espresso and see what happens.

4th of July

I had a really nice 4th of July.  I took the kids into Boston and let them play in the sprinklers.  Timm and Kameron joined us.  We stopped for chicken sandwiches.  I made risotto for dinner.  A really nice day.  To top it off, we went to fireworks with Jen, Robert and the kids.  A perfect ending.

While I was at the fireworks, I noticed a disturbing sight.  As the fireworks were going off, everyone in the audience had their cameras on.  There was a sea of little blue squares in front of me...All I could see was the digitial screens on the backs of everyone's camera.  Now, I always have my camera with me.  I am always taking pictures. But this night just didn't seem the right time to take pictures.  I didn't want a folder of photographs of bright lights in the sky.  That wasn't the memory I will take.  Having my kids fight to sit on my lap as they called "This one is mine!" and "Here it comes!" as they laughed and hooted and hollered and clapped.  The coziness, the giggle and the moment.  That is what I want to remember.  And, I don't need a photograph to do that.

Papa Lion

Tonight an amazing thing happened.  It is the kind of moment that anyone with kids hopes for. 

Michael loves playing at the park next to our house.  It is really more of an extension of our yard because we live right on the park.  It is a huge benefit of living here.  The kids have met lots of new friends and can be in the park everyday and I can watch them from the living room.  Most of the kids that are regulars are great kids and it is always a happy reunion when they all meet up at the end of the day for some energy burning.  I love to see it.

However - and there is always a "however" - there are two girls that are in the park everyday.  They are the mean "queen bee" girls that I have always dreaded.  The type that will act nice to your face one day and then slice you the next.  Well, they have been doing it to my kids.  I try to let my kids figure it out themselves with support and some subtle and gentle prodding.  I think it is important for my kids to learn those social skills, even though they may get somewhat bruised in the process.  Painful to watch. 

Well...these girls really let into Michael tonight.  He came home and said "Big Dad, those girls are really mean to me."  He proceeded to tell me all of the awful things they said to him.  (And truthfully, it was the average queen bee crap...none of the "your father is gay" crap that I always fear for my kids.) I was in a second furious and wanted to go out to the park and defend my son's honor.  I held back. Not easy.  I could feel the rage burning up my neck.

This is when it happened.  Michael turned to me and said, "Big Dad, how do you think I should handle this?  I think I need your help."  Rage morphed into pride instantly.  We talked about many strategies for handling mean kids without turning him into the playground pariah.  How he could respond and keep his dignity and self respect.  He listened...really listened and then went to brush his teeth.  When he was done, he came back and said, "Big Dad, what if I say...."  He had a great answer for them. 

That is when I realized that I didn't have to defend my son's honor...he is perfectly capable of defending it himself. 

A dirty ending

Last night I had a couple of friends over for a BBQ with the kids. A nice night, relaxing. Kids showing off and being overly dramatic and wired as kids do in front of company. A good night.


By the end of the night when it was only my friend Stephen and I left we happened to be discussing my dirt collection. Yes. I collect dirt. Not just on people, but actual dirt. In jars. I have dirt from all of the really interesting places I have travelled around the globe. Each little jar has a date and location from where the dirt comes from. Some of it is so beautifully unique like the red sands of Sedona and the crush blue shell of Vancouver. Some of it is remarkably the same like the rocky soil from Washington DC and Rome (which is interesting when you compare the similarities between the two cities.)

I have a plan for the dirt. It is for more than collecting dust. I mean after all, why would I want dusty dirt? Here is the plan:

When I die, I want to be cremated. I want my ashes mixed in with the dirt that I have collected along my life’s journey. Then I want the mixture put into little packages.

My memorial service should be by the ocean and every attendee should get a little package of me. (As my friend Sandy says, “Only you would have a gift bag…and it would be you.”) Then, I want each person to complete the following sentence, “I know Elliott loved me because….” (Not, “I loved Elliott because…”), then chuck me into the tide. It is important that this happens at high tide because at low tide the seagulls will eat me and then shit me on top of a Honda….that would not be the effect I am hoping for.

A vivid dream

It is 5:30 a.m. and I just woke from an extraordinarily vivid dream.  The kind of dream that when you wake up you are not sure if it was real or not. 

In the dream, I lived in a wooded area, in an old barn-shingle house where other people lived as well.  I had just gotten home when the weather turned foul...quickly.  The next thing I know the house is ripped from its foundation and starts spinning.  I realize that the house has been picked up by a twister and we spin very quickly for what feels like a long time, but in reality was probably less than a minute.  The house is gently put down next to the foundation. 

I stumble out of the house, in shock/amazement at what just happened.  I try calling people to tell them my house was just picked up by a twister and taken off the foundation but can't get anyone on the phone.  As soon as start dialing again, I see 20 large, threatening twisters coming at me from every direction.  They circle around where I am standing and completely destroy my house...leaving it in splinters.  The storm passes.  It is quiet and the sun comes out.  My reaction?  How do I get a FEMA trailer?

What do you think that means?????

Hurricane Michael

Tyrant.  Bully.  Ickyhead.  Yep.  I got called all of them this morning.  Not all of them are false monikers mind you...but getting them all at once can be difficult. 

I have been strict with Michael since he was a baby.  He is now 9 and feels that he no longer needs parenting and has the right to speak to me in any fashion that he so chooses and at any volume.  However, I am of a different mindset.  I believe that he still needs to speak to me with respect, appropriateness and deference.  This does not mean that he has to agree with me, that he can't challenge my opinion or tell me that I am wrong.  He just has to do it appropriately. 

This morning, I offered Michael computer time after breakfast if he got all of his chores done and spoke to me and his sister kindly.  Chores...check.  Kindly...no check.

I am a man of my word.  WYSIWYG.  No never means yes.  He still hasn't learned the lesson.  Then the loss of the electronic playtime only served to make him angrier, more defiant.  It was like seeing a storm coming and having no place to go.  He told me that he thought I was afraid of him.  (Can you imagine such a thing??) 

After sulking in his room for a few minutes, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about.  He marched into my room and I expected further thunderstorms.  He glared at me and then softened his face and said, "Big Dad...I am sorry for how I talked to you."  Big hug.  Kiss.  Storm blew out to sea.

What tired feels like

So...I am generally happy and positive these days.  There is someone that is showing genuine interest in me, and although I am not sure how or if it will all work out, it is nice to be considered.  The weather is holding out and giving me lots of options.  I have some free time this weekend and go make plans (although I am not sure what I will do with myself!).

So...no complaints today.  No "but".  Just a simple "and".  And, I am tired.  Exhausted really.  I feel like a cement block.  My muscles are tight.  (I had the worst charlie horse in bed this morning...the kind where your calf muscles twist into something from a horror film and you have to use every ounce of self control not to cry.) I can't process a coherent thought.  I think...man, how will I stay awake for the rest of the day. 

I was going to make a nice dinner for me and the kids.  By the time I got home, all I could manage was chicken nuggets and left over pasta salad.  (Ketchup is a vegetable .... right?)  At dinner, we have a ritual where each person states one thing they are thankful for or something good that happened to them during the day.  The theory is that no matter how bad your day was, there is something to be thankful for.  Today, the kids were thankful for things that had to do with our house, our meal and our time together.  The work is paying off...that is until they started picking on each other again.  They will be in bed soon...and so will I.

thinking too much

It is amazing how my brain can be split along two lines of thought at the same time.

• Thought A) How do I plan the rest of my life? How do I get beyond where I am right now? I only have vague goals and I don’t work well with vague goals. I have never had a difficult time saying “That is where North is and where I want to be”. But, for some reason, I am struggling with it. I don’t do well without clarity and goals.
• Thought B) Boy, the beach would be a great place to take a nap. Perhaps I should just live simply for a while and not worry about the future. Take a break. It has been a tremendous amount of change over the past 4 years. Clear the decks and breathe.

What am I waiting for? It is like I need a sign from above to help me get some forward movement. Sitting still in my current situation doesn’t feel good because, unfortunately, I am not on the beach taking a breath. Either I need to give it up and step away for a while or get serious and make something happen…but what?

I think this is why all the drama with my ex and his circle of support bothers me so much.  If I had more of a plan for myself, I would be able to brush it off and say "This is where I am headed and the noise you are making doesn't hinder my ability to move forward."  That is where I need to get to...and soon!

Trying not to be little

Trying not to be little is a hard thing to do.  It is so easy ... and gratifying on some level ... to really be petty, snide and snarky.  Taking the high road, being respectful, biting my tongue and/or letting go does not come easy in some situations.  But, it must be done!
I am becoming increasingly aware that my ex and parts of his support network have been presenting me in less than a positive light to people that I share social interactions with, and more importantly, to my children.  I am trying to be clear that talking in front of the children is not appropriate, that talking about me behind my back is juvenile and hurtful and at this point in our divorce (which has been final for more than a year) we should be able to live our own lives without interference from the other - unless it has direct consequence for the children. 

However, I asked for a divorce because I realized that I had no power, right or authority to change him while we were married...I have even less now.  So, for now, I try to not be little, to be respectful, clear and focus on what I can change...me.

Father's Day morn...

I woke up this morning because I felt a warmth on my neck...and my face being tickled.  Olivia snuck into my bed and was snuggled into my neck and her curly locks were splayed across my face.  I didn't move an inch and just enjoyed the moment. This is what being a Dad is all about.

Father's Day weekend

It is the day before Father's Day and I am spending time with my kids and having a terrific day.  I am enjoying them and I think they are enjoying me.  This is what parenting should be about.

However, things are never this easy.  Because Father's Day falls on my weekend, I invited Tony to come to brunch with us so the kids could see both of their dads and celebrate both of us.  One of my operating principles is that my children must be able to have open and loving relationships with both parents.  A second principle is that the divorce was for me and everything else is for the kids. 

Tony asked if he could take the kids for a few hours in the afternoon so they could go to a birthday party on Father's Day at his friend Tim's house.  (We do a nanny share with Tim for his amazingly adorable son).  I said no.  I have been on the road for a long time and I didn't want to give up more time with my kids, especially on Father's Day.  I told him that if the party was on any other day, I would say yes, but not on Father's Day...I wanted to be with my children. 

Tony responded with how sad Tim's son would be (he is 2) and how disappointed our kids would be.  I picked the kids up last night and the first thing they say as soon as they get in the car is that Tim told them that his son would be so disappointed because I wasn't letting them go to the birthday party.  I got a bit angry. 

Tony said that I could come to the party with the kids.  It is clear that the only reason I was invited was because I said that the kids couldn't go because I wanted to be with my children.  They don't want me at the party and never go out of their way to make me feel welcomed, in fact they often freeze me out.  I refuse to put myself into that situation -- especially on this special day.  So, now they are telling the kids that I am keeping them from a party and not thinking of the poor two year old. (I bought him a present for the party.)  I just hate thinking that I get judged as a bad person because I want to be with my kids on Father's Day. 

Cautiously optimistic

You have heard me say it before...dating is like a wedgie with a noogie.  This has to be one of the most risk-laden things I have ever done.  I have been in the Army, lived on the DMZ between North and South Korea, had kids, fought a forest fire, and been a chaperone on a third grade field trip, but nothing is scarier than dating. 

First, you have to meet the guy.  No easy task!  You have to put yourself out there and risk humiliation, rejection, and ridicule.  Ok...that wasn't the tough part.  Actually, I deal with ridicule quite well. 

The hard part comes during the first date.  Having a bad date or not liking him is the easy part.  Say good night and wipe your etch-a-sketch clean...start anew tomorrow.  But, if you do like him...ugh!  Does he like you? Can he kiss to save his life?  If you are completely attracted to him and you get a sense that he is attracted to you...you have to ask the much bigger questions.  Will he fit with the kids? What will he think of the kids?  When and how do you introduce him and the kids?  When do you ask about health and HIV status and do you believe him? When do you "move forward" and how?  At this age, he has probably lived a life and had some experiences and lessons that you might struggle with.  How much to chalk up to youthful transgressions?  How much time do you invest to test the waters before moving on to a more realistic candidate? 

Maybe I will just stick with third grade field trips.  At least there you can still be successful if you can get everyone back on the bus.

Learning from the past

So, lately I have been completely stymied. I have had more people tell me they have seen my ex out and about. He tells me things. The kids tell me things. And it is shocking the things I hear. I don’t understand and am a bit taken aback.


It seems that he is out having a strong social life, meeting all kinds of new people, joining groups, going to the gym, having cocktails, seems to have money to spend, is taking vacations with friends, babysitting for others, etc. How can all of that be true? When we were together, he had no friends other than the ones that I brought into the relationship; he wasn’t a “joiner” in any sense of the word and would barely talk with me about anything. Now, he is living an active and engaged life…the life I was hoping to have as a couple. Why couldn’t he do this when we were together? This would have helped to maintain our marriage!

Don’t get me wrong…I don’t begrudge him any of this. In fact, I am thrilled that he is able to live a full life; it is what I always hoped for. What I don’t understand is why couldn’t he do this when he was with me? Why could he find a way to live fully with me as his partner? I have to question myself. Clearly, he is capable of this…just not with me, so what was it about our marriage that held him back? I would like to think that perhaps, my leaving woke him up, and allowed him to live more fully. However, I don’t think that he was that linked to me personally.

Could it have been that his sense of security has changed and he realizes that he needs to do this to live whereas before, I managed most of this and he didn’t need to pay attention? I am sure that I will never have the answers. He will never talk to me about this.

What do I have to learn from this? I think there are lessons here that I need to pay heed to before letting go:

1. I cannot manage a relationship and expect my partner to be able to grow. I think I made this mistake in my marriage and it helped to bring us apart.

2. I must not provide all of the social outlets for my partner, nor expect him to always want to/have to participate in mine because if I do, he will not develop any of his own.

3. I have to get a perspective that allows me to be genuinely happy for him in his new life that is separate from any feelings of guilt, jealousy or abandonment that I might have.

4. I have to find a way to deal with the times that our different social networks, outlets, activities intertwine, because they are starting to do so more often.

This is me starting to learn and let go…finally.

Letting go...

I am having trouble letting go of the things that are not critical.

Tonight I find my self in a gorgeous suite in a five star hotel in Madrid.  (Really sweet suite!)  It is 3:39 a.m. and I can't sleep. It is not time zone adjustment or too much of the strong coffee (which I am loving).  It is work.  There are meetings being held about my job and I am not in attendance.  Not meetings about whether or not my job should exist (which would be more worrisome) but how my job should drive certain processes.  The meeting is schedule for when I am in Europe and it is driving me crazy.  I have emailed the team and told them they must wait until I get back.  Most of the meeting attendees agreed; however some of the people that should be understanding of my position have come back with comments like the VP "told us to have an initial conversation right away".  The VP is here with me in Madrid, but I haven't seen him since I became aware of the meeting.  (I will tomorrow and you can be sure that I will straighten this out.)

The VP is new and trying to understand how things work and is trying to make improvements but he is just learning to understand the big picture.  As a result, I find out that he has been having ongoing discussions about processes that are under my responsibility with many other employees but has only given me fly bys in the hallway.  Now he is asking for a scheduled meeting to start a process change and I am out of the loop. 

While I am sure that after talking to him tomorrow, he will understand why it is important for the meeting to wait until next week and will be supportive, but I love my job and take it seriously.  Right now I feel dismissed, disregarded and dissed.  Oh yeah...all that the coffee means I can't sleep....

Feeling content and fresh starts

Today I am feeling content and feel that I have fresh starts.  My eating has been in control over the past few days and I am down about 6 pounds.  I am feeling like I can stay on track for tomorrow (I only look one day at a time!)

I spent the day in New York City doing what one of the things I love doing on a late spring day.  Grabbing a light lunch and sitting in Bryant Park, knitting and people watching.  The entire cast was on today!  It was so incredibly relaxing!  This after spending one of the best night's sleep I have had in two months at the Palace Hotel on Madison Avenue.  Had a successful day at work and feel like I have options for growing my social life.  It is good to be me today.  (I have to take notice of the positive when it comes!)

I am leaving for Spain in less than 48 hours.  It should be a great trip, but this also means that when I get home I will be nonstop between kids and work until the end of the month.  I better take my sleep while I can!

It's a small world after all...

I have always been told to be careful what you say about and to people because you never know when it will come back to you.  Some people call it karma, some call in coincidence...I call it dumb luck!

So the other day, on Tressa's suggestion, I looked at a dating site.  I saw many interesting people and took the bold step to reach out to one of them....and he responded!  After some basic back and forth, we decided to meet for coffee during our work day because we worked right around the corner from each other.  We had a terrific time.  I thought he was quite handsome and the conversation witty, entertaining and easy.  He is a Dad of a cute little boy.  I could tell there was a mutual attraction -- which was confirmed by him texting me right after we parted telling me so.  We made a plan to get together after I returned from Spain.

Sounds great!  Yesterday, he calls me and leaves a message, laughing, saying that he needs to talk to me because he has a funny story to tell me.  When I call him back, he tells me that he has already met my children and thinks they are terrific.  He knows Tony and has been in my former house (this from a man that just moved from the South a few months ago...) He met Tony through a mutual friend and when he pieced the whole story together in his head, he was shocked and mentioned it to Tony and the mutual friend.

Now...what should I do?  I called Tony to let him know that I know that he knows (I hate the secrets).   Tony didn't seem bothered (good).  Then I called the guy back to let him know that Tony and I talked about and to see how he was doing with it.  (He seemed okay and said the date was still on.)  But, how do I feel about it? 

I never said anything negative about Tony or our divorce.  But I don't know what he has heard about me from the other side.  Additionally, if this did work out, would I ever be able to be completely open and honest with him (he described the mutual friend as "good friend") without splitting folks?  Does it put him in a weird place?  Do I proceed slowly and cautiously? When do I trust and how do I know where the lines are?    Do I move on?  He is attractive and I think he is charming.  My inclination is to wait and see, but I would hate for some weirdness and ugliness....who wants to deal with that?

This brings me back to my theory that dating as an adult is our version of a noogie, followed by a wedgie with a side of Indian sunburn....better put some better underwear on....

Summertime and the livin' is....

I am taking the day off work today to chaperone Michael's third grade field trip to Plimoth Plantation.  I think this should be interesting on a number of fronts. 

First...spending the day in charge of 5 nine year olds that, quite frankly, can get crazy silly over the most mundane happening.  Second...trying to see if they are actually going to learn something from this step back in time.  Third...I already feel somewhat jealous of the simpler life the pilgrims had (OK, I know...pestulance and other difficulties aside) where they never had to yank a nine year old away from a Nintendo DS and beg for eye contact during communication. I get excited just thinking about how the 9 year olds would work from sun up to sun down and not expect to get a $50 bill and trip to GameStop for doing it.  Perhaps I will bring that up on the bus...I just hope I don't get tossed out the emergency exit door at the back of the bus while a bunch sweetly smiling children wave good-bye.

Thinking about the future

I have one more major trip before I come off the road for the summer.  There will be some smaller sporadic trips but at least the heavy grind will be over for a while.  I leave on Sunday for New York and Spain. 

I realized the other day how tired I am!  Even when I am home, I have the children, work and not a moment to myself.  The other night I had clients from France in, and they brought their family including their 3 year old niece.  I had the kids, so I brought them to dinner with us.  Olivia and Lelou were so funny.  It was so instinctual in the way they interacted.  One spoke French; one English.  The first moment they saw each other, they sized each other up and checked out each other's outfit (Women can be that way...).  Then they held hands and started to dance.  They ended up entertaining the entire North End all night.  At one point, I asked Olivia what she thought of Lelou.   She told me that they were best friends and were going to have play dates and sleep overs.  "But", I said, "Lelou doesn't speak English...you can't understand her."  "I understand very good" was the response.  And she was right.  They did understand each other and language had nothing to do with it.  If only adults didn't lose that ability...

Yesterday was actually my first day off in more than eight weeks.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I got up, cleaned my house (a desperate act to be sure) and went to buy a belt.  But then I was stuck as to what to do next.  I realized that alot of my social network has fallen by the wayside.  I felt like my local connections have dried up.  I had a day/evening that I could do anything I wanted -- put myself into a situation that might promote opportunities for the future -- and I had nothing.  I realized that I need to figure out how to create opportunity.  I went to have dinner with the girls and they recommended that I put an ad in the local gay paper that I want to start a book group, a movie group, a board game group or the like for single men between 35 and 55.  Hmmmm....

OK blog readers...what do you think...Where do I go to create opportunity to meet people?  I have been so out of the loop as far as dating and socializing go that I am not sure how to get back into the loop...Post a suggestion!

Life on the Road

It is a beautiful May evening...I am is a stunningly beautiful resort in Dallas.  Golf courses, saunas, pools, and my room was upgraded to villa.  Yet, I can't seem to pull myself out of my room.  There is no where to go "off property" and I just don't feel like I want to get out and enjoy the facilities. 

I have been doing a tremendous amount of work travel lately.  Last month was New York and Paris.  This month is New York, Dallas, Dublin.  Next month is Madrid, Barcelona, Geneva.  While I love being able to go to tremendous places and meet interesting people, I am starting to get exhausted.  I miss my kids.  Because of the travel, any day I am home, I have the kids with me.  But this also means that I never get a moment off.  I never seem to be able to put "me" into perspective.  I am starting to wonder what is next in store for me. 

I don't want to be living in the same apartment in two years.  I want a place of my own.  I want to have a better balance of work/family life.  I don't want to feel that I have to choose between my kids and doing what I need for me...and the coping with the subsequent guilt that comes with it...regardless of what I choose. 

And, I don't want to do this alone.  I have been realizing more and more lately that I don't like being single.  I don't need a relationship.  I can manage quite well on my own.  But...I do get lonely.  I miss the emotional and intellectual intimacy.  I miss having someone to plan the day with.  I fear this sounds maudlin and that I am a sad and lonely person.  I am not.  It is just that one of the biggest learnings I have had over the past two years is that it is okay to ask for what you want in life.  I want a full partner in every sense of the word.  At this time, I don't see any strong proespects or opportunities -- and I dont' see that changing any time soon.  In the meantime, I get up, get the kids through their day, do my work, give thanks for all that is working in my life and continue to make sense of this crazy thing called my life. 

A tough 45 minutes

What an interesting day today was.  The rains finally stopped and the big orb in the sky appeared.  I drove to work on my scooter and felt free, energized and alive.  Such an amazing feeling!

My work day was productive enough; I got enough positive feedback and felt connected with my co-workers.  I was thinking that this was going to be a day that would just feel fine. 

And then it happened.  Karma.  I must have done something to someone and it all came back to me.  Just as I was leaving the office, a potential client that I met with earlier in the week left me a voice mail.  (She asked our receptionist directly for the voicemail because she didn't want to talk to me.)  Her voicemail went on for approximately 6 minutes of her ranting into my inbox about what a horrible person I am, how incompetent and inappropriate my coworkers and I were and how appalling she found us.  What was the need?  If she didn't want to use our services, she could have just said so.  In addition to this, she called and spoke with our coordinator on the phone to tell how awful I was.  OK.  Somebody had a bad experience.  I won't take it personally...maybe there is something for me to learn in this.

I put my coat on and went to get on my scooter.  $65 ticket for parking on the sidewalk.  What the hell?  I have never gotten one of those.  It isn't like I was across the sidewalk...I was parked along the curb!  Damn it!

I finally get on my scooter after saying...well...lesson learned. I turn around the corner to find out that Obama is in town and across the street.  Traffic is all jammed.  I am sitting in traffic...we aren't going anywhere...I am clearly going to be late for Italian class.  All of a sudden the beat up white cargo van in front of me slams into reverse and backs in and OVER me!  The front of my new and pretty scooter now looks like it has returned from war!  All of this in 45 minutes!  1. 2. 3.  I know things come in threes.  Does that mean that the universe is trying to tell me something?  I HEAR YOU DAMN IT!  Leave me the hell alone!

Eh..What's money?

I think the reality of having a single income stream has finally hit home. During the entire divorce process, I was living off of student loans, stock option buy outs and whatever Tony paid into the house. When I left Tony’s house, I was at Bruce’s house and he was remarkably generous and kind when he brought the children and me into his home in a way that did not send me to bankruptcy (and I will be forever grateful to him for helping us in such an important way.)


In October, I became fully independent and responsible for myself, my children and our home. I have never had to carry an entire household myself before. The first few months were sort of a free fall as I had nothing other than some basic furniture. I had to set up a complete household. As I told a friend, I was freaked out because I didn’t even have salt! Well, the free fall has, for all intents and purposes, ended, and the house is hitting equilibrium. It is not the standard of living to which I had become accustomed, but it is a good life. The reality of how tight I have to live everyday is becoming painfully apparent.

When I got divorced, I made a deal with Tony that allowed him to keep the family home. I was extremely aware of how much I wanted my children to be able to keep their routine and home even if that meant that I walked away with fewer resources. (I am not sure that Tony appreciates the fact that I didn’t fight him for every penny that I might have received…) I allowed Tony to pay me over time…with no interested. What I have noticed on my side is that the first payment I received was comforting to put in the bank. It meant that I would survive. However that first payment is now dramatically reduced and I am getting nervous. I find that I draw on it each month. Every time I sit and pay bills, I become more sensitive to my spending habits. I almost never buy lunch and have reduced my coffee runs.

I wish I had a way to understand the best way to manage money with two growing children. Taking them out is a real treat now. And, they outgrow their clothes every few weeks. I want to support their enrichment and get them involved in activities. So, every day is a trade off. Every day brings new decisions. I am trying to teach the kids about choices and long term effects.

Last night as I was scrolling through the channels, I came across an early episode of “Little House on the Prairie” and I thought…wow…life was simple then. Sure, they had to carry water to bathe (and it must have sucked if you weren’t the first one in the bath…) but Ma and Pa Ingalls didn’t have to tell their kids that the generic sneakers from Kohl’s are just as good as the Air Nike’s that their friends are wearing…

Real Dads

Michael came up to me this morning with a magazine that had an ad for a resort on the back cover.  The ad had a family of four frolicking in a lush pool.  He informed me that they aren't a real family and only actors.  I, stupidly, asked him how he knew this. 

"Dad...just look at the father.  He has a six pack.  Everyone knows that real Dads don't have six packs...they are only actors." 

I need a Krispy Kreme....

What's in a name?

One of my greatest conundrums during the divorce was my name. When we adopted Michael, he came home under my last name because I adopted him as a single parent. When we got married, we hyphenated our names. When we did the second parent adoption, we hyphenated his name. However with both of us having really long names, we decided that it would be easier for all of us to go by one name only. After much grueling and agonizing discussion, we opted to drop my last name. When Olivia was born, even though she is my biological child, she has my ex’s last name.


During the divorce proceeding, I had great anxiety about going back to my last name. I knew that I didn’t want to keep my ex’s last name, but I didn’t want to have a name that I didn’t share with my children. Fearful that I would be messing with their sense of identity and making the divorce even harder for them, I didn’t fight the name issue during the divorce proceeding. I took my name back and suffered silently that I felt this large difference with my children.

Michael, however, has taken it upon himself to rectify the situation. He has started hyphenating his name again. I did not encourage, motivate or instigate this behavior. He did it entirely on his own. Last night he told me that he wanted to have his full name back. That he wanted to use both names. The conversation came a bit out of the blue, but he told me that he had this discussion with my ex who quite flatly told him “No” and that he was to use his existing name. Michael asked me to call my ex to see if I could get him to understand.

This puts me in a tough situation. I have a pretty tenuous peace with my ex and I don’t want to break the thin supports that we have…I have worked too hard to achieve them. However, my son is asking for something that I think is critically important and that I fully support. This is one of those parenting moments that I feel no matter what choice I make, I put myself in the firing line. What do I do?

Mozzarella or Dancing?

I am at that critical time. I have been eating well for six days and it is the point where I have the most temptation to scarf down a cheesecake. See…here’s the thing – I have never been good at getting and keeping myself healthy. At least not in the way that American – and gay – culture says I have to.


I am not obese, but I could stand live off the fat of the land for a while. I am not weak, but my muscles don’t have the same spring and power they once did. My doctor wants me to lose 10-15 pounds (and I want it to…if only it didn’t take so much work!).

The real reason for this is that my father, uncle and grandfather were all dead by 49. They were overweight, smoked, high stress, high blood pressure, yada yada yada. I just turned 45. I see my own mortality. I just went to the doctor’s. I never smoked. My blood pressure was ideal – triglycerides are back in check. My stress is not out of the ordinary. I am on a statin drug because, while my bad cholesterol is remarkably low, my good cholesterol is almost nonexistent so the ratio between them isn’t good. Many people would consider me basically healthy. However, I see everything that could potentially be leading up to an early end.

I have two young children. I want to dance at my children’s weddings. I am trying to be consistent so that I don’t leave them without a father. I try to remind myself that I can’t eat that pizza no matter how great it looks, because that dance is worth more than all of the melted mozzarella in the world.

If I had hair....

The kids have been driving me crazy.  I know that some parents would rather be caught dead than to admit that their kids are acting like animals, but the reality can't be hidden anymore.  This morning, I lost it with the little buggers.  Michael has gotten to an age appropriate phase where he screams at Olivia for breathing...usually if it is anywhere near his room.  This only makes Olivia want to break into his haven all the more. 

Olivia on the other hand has become quite emotionally needy.  She gloms onto me as soon as I walk in the door and wants constant attention and interaction.  I guess she thinks that dinner cooks itself and the laundry will walk itself to the washer (Michael's socks just might actually...)

How can it be that I miss them so much when they are not with me but then they come home and I think...Lord help me!