Life on the Road

It is a beautiful May evening...I am is a stunningly beautiful resort in Dallas.  Golf courses, saunas, pools, and my room was upgraded to villa.  Yet, I can't seem to pull myself out of my room.  There is no where to go "off property" and I just don't feel like I want to get out and enjoy the facilities. 

I have been doing a tremendous amount of work travel lately.  Last month was New York and Paris.  This month is New York, Dallas, Dublin.  Next month is Madrid, Barcelona, Geneva.  While I love being able to go to tremendous places and meet interesting people, I am starting to get exhausted.  I miss my kids.  Because of the travel, any day I am home, I have the kids with me.  But this also means that I never get a moment off.  I never seem to be able to put "me" into perspective.  I am starting to wonder what is next in store for me. 

I don't want to be living in the same apartment in two years.  I want a place of my own.  I want to have a better balance of work/family life.  I don't want to feel that I have to choose between my kids and doing what I need for me...and the coping with the subsequent guilt that comes with it...regardless of what I choose. 

And, I don't want to do this alone.  I have been realizing more and more lately that I don't like being single.  I don't need a relationship.  I can manage quite well on my own.  But...I do get lonely.  I miss the emotional and intellectual intimacy.  I miss having someone to plan the day with.  I fear this sounds maudlin and that I am a sad and lonely person.  I am not.  It is just that one of the biggest learnings I have had over the past two years is that it is okay to ask for what you want in life.  I want a full partner in every sense of the word.  At this time, I don't see any strong proespects or opportunities -- and I dont' see that changing any time soon.  In the meantime, I get up, get the kids through their day, do my work, give thanks for all that is working in my life and continue to make sense of this crazy thing called my life.