It's Over...Finally

Well, after spending some time thinking about settling into my apartment, I started thinking more broadly.  This is bigger than making myself feel like I have a home even if I don't own it.  I realized that it was time for a change in perspective.

It's over...finally.  My divorce.  For the past two plus years I have living my life as a person that is going through a divorce.  As a result, I haven't been able to move on, I have been afraid of what was going to come (or not going to come), and everything seemed to be in relationship to how it was connected to my divorce.  It was time to finally take a deep breath and realize that I am not getting divorced.  I am divorced.  It is not happening.  It has happened.  Past tense.  Time to be situated in present and future tense.  What AM I doing and what WILL I do is very different from what HAS happened. 

It may sound strange or even simple, but once I said to myself that "as of today, I am divorced.  Period" I felt a huge weight lifted from me.  I instantly felt more confident and in charge.  I don't care that I am single.  I don't care that I have to carry the weight of the financial burden and leadership of this little tribe of mine.  In fact, I began to celebrate.  I felt ...not joy...but a satisfaction that I accomplished something and felt like a survivor instead of a person living through divorce.

The comfort in settling

One of the things that I kept saying after the divorce was that I would never settle again.  I would not be in a relationship by default, because it was offered to me or because there were no better options.  I would not be in a job that didn't inspire me or make me feel like I was making a difference.  I would not settle.

However, that being said, I have started to settle into my life which is something that I haven't been able to do for many months.  I have started to make my apartment my own instead of looking for a way out.  I have started to settle into a grow pattern with my kids and really looking at how to deepen and enrich those important relationships.  And, I have settled into being single. 

One of my major fears before, during and after the divorce was that I would be alone for the rest of my life...or at least for a very long time and that scared me.  All I could see was a middle aged, short, balding, weight challenged man with two young children and not a lot of cash in the bank.  Now I am truly feeling much more vital, comfortable with being single (although a loving and committed relationship would do a boy good...) and starting to feel that I am no longer "faking it in hopes of making it".  I think I am actually making it.  My confidence is stronger every day. 

I am out there meeting people.  The majority are an immediate hell no! However, I have met a few guys that could be good friends even if they aren't romantic matches.  And...every once in a while I meet someone that makes me go hmmmmmm....Maybe!!

So I am learning that there are some aspects of life that I should never settle for...and others that require my settling in order for me to get ahead.  Learning this lesson makes me feel settled.  Weird...

Casa Elliott

After being in this apartment for 16 months, I have come to the resolution that I am not going anywhere soon. I guess when I moved in, I only expected to be here a year or two.  I now realize that I will be here for quite a while.  That is okay but it requires some change.

This apartment, while roomy and a great situation financially and logistically, is locked in 1971.  I haven't put any time, resources and design into it.  As such, it hasn't felt like home.  I have come to the understanding that I am tired of coming here at the end of the day and feeling like I am at someone else's apartment.  I must claim my space, make it my own and make peace with the fact that I don't own my own home anymore, that it will be time before I will again and that I can do better here than I have been allowing myself.

I have spent the weekend moving furniture, picking up some new pieces, getting things on the wall, cleaning, organizing and ... wallah!  I am already starting to feel like this is my space.  I am ordering some new furniture and I am excited for it to arrive...Casa Elliott is blooming!

Now on to my next project...I want to organize a flash mob...anyone with me?

New Year New Starts

So the New Year celebration has come and gone (and my mess in my house is proof!).  I spent the festivities at home with my children, my friend Stephen and his children and my friend George and his children.  We had excessive amounts of Chinese foods, cake, hot cookies, movies, noise, games...and a pitcher of margharitas.  Everyone slept over and we got up to a hot breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and lots of coffee.  We rounded out the day by everyone going to the movies. It was a really great day for everyone.  I began the new year with hope and inspiration for what is ahead of me.

I feel like this is the year of more big choices, decisions and transitions.  I see major shifts coming in my job, in my family and in my personal life.  Some of the changes I can already start to define...others I just feel looming.  I enter into this next period with flexibility, openness and greater insight.  Here's hoping I don't screw it up.