A weekend of reflection and adjustments

It Sunday...Valentine's Day and I am wiped out.  It is a good thing, but tiring as change and growth often is.

After the debaucle at the office on Thursday (and the fall out which hasn't felt much better), I spent the weekend putting myself in check.  I realized that I haven't been focused, paying attention, or taking care of myself.  I took time to engage in time with friends (we had a fun Olympics opening ceremonies party and a Chinese New Year feast) which I certainly needed.  But, I also spent a fair amount of time trying to understand why some of my choices lately have been less than what I would expect for myself. 

I have made some adjustments to what I think I can/should do about certain situations, put some of those changes into place already and will work on the rest during the weeks to come.  I must take better care of myself which means eating better and exercising.  I am not going to beat myself up, I am just going to focus on improvement.  I am going to try to recoup what I need at the office - although I know that will take some time. 

These understandings don't feel great, but spending time getting to them is necessary.  Miri was extremely helpful in talking me through it.  She told me that people who don't get messy aren't living.  My immediate response was that if I was messy because I was taking a risk or challenging myself, it would be easier to take.  However, I was messy because I was careless and unkind.  I don't like it, but I own it.  Now I rebuild. Where is the rewind button?

However, I want to end on a positive.  The kids woke up and found their Valentine's on the table...crawled into my bed for a morning cuddle.  We went out to lunch and to the movies.  It was a great day.  I love my kids.

Another new thing to learn

Today was a hard day. I have a particular co-worker who I struggle with. She is intelligent, incredibly capable, amazing in a crisis, but we just don’t gel. It all came to a head today. We were trying to come to resolution on something that should have been a no-brainer. However, because she asked me to do something – and it is in the way she talks to me – I felt attacked. I became defensive and it immediately spiraled out of control on both sides. It was like gas on a fire. And to make matters worse, our new employee was witness to it all. I felt awful. I actually went back in to apologize and she was having none of it. Ugh.


I spent a good portion of my afternoon feeling crappy. I am really trying to understand why this woman pushes my buttons so quickly and why I react so defensively with her. I am not proud of it and I want to stop…even if she doesn’t. I actually sent her an email this evening apologizing for the altercation (although I didn’t place blame on either side) and told her that I was committed to making a positive resolution and harmonious working relationships. I also sent an apology to the new employee because I felt bad that she was witness to it all.

I am not sure what the reactions to my emails will be, but I am better than this. I can make better choices. I must understand why this fires me up and undo the triggers. But for now….ugh.