My Triggers

Over the past few days, I have been really reviewing my triggers when it comes to my relationship with my ex-husband.  I don't want to focus on his behavior, communication style or experience.  I know that I can't understand, explain or control any of that.  That is not to say that I don't wish I was so powerful that I could.  However, I am insightful enough to know that I can only control, change and manage my own experience, behaviour and thoughts. So, let's just focus on that for now.

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself getting defensive, often aggressive and angry and unkind.  At best, I am short, dismissive and irreverent and often find myself hunkering down in my emotional bunker as hurtful words and tone are lobbed back and forth.  This is not good for my children and doesn't make me feel like the person I hope to become someday. I am trying to breathe, take a moment and stop being so reactionary.  I am adding to the agita that we both feel and does not get us closer to the goals that I have. 

So, what are those goals?  I had to give that alot of thought over the past few days.  I know that we may never be friends because there is so much water under the bridge, but that would be the ultimate.  At a minimum, I would like us to be collaborative, with trustful communication, mutually supportive and build a family structure that makes the kids feel like they can have everything without choosing sides, and my ex and I don't have to feel like we are on opposite sides of the war. 

Lofty goals to be sure.  First step is that I have to learn to break down my bunker...one sandbag at a time.