The joy and work of parenthood

There was a time in my life when I was afraid that I would never have children.  My life would be incomplete.  For quite a time, I was obsessed with children to the point of desperation.  I was willing to end a relationship to have children.  I was true to that calling and put my entire life in a tailspin to have kids. People told me I was crazy.  People told me that I didn't know what I was getting into. 

I ultimately ended my marriage, left my career, changed my financial status, gave up my home, separated from the majority of my support network in order to have children on my own terms.  Let me begin with the fact that I have no regrets.  It is still the best decision I have ever made in my life.  I can't imagine my life without my kids and all the lessons, joy, insight, purpose they bring to me.

With that said, I am stymied by the constant pull on me.  The never ending drain on my energy, focus, resources, and opportunity.  It is the part of parenting that I intellectualized prior to having my kids, but in reality is stunning.  Even when my kids are not with me, I still feel the pull and weight of parenthood. 

I have the constant negotiation and challenging from Michael and the ongoing clinging of Olivia.  I can't make a phone call.  I can't complete a sentence to one child without the other interrupting, feeling like I choose on child over the other.  The constant screaming that is in my house is brainsplitting at times.  I look at these parents who speak calmly to calm children who speak in calm voices and sit down.  What planet are they from?  It isn't my reality.  As much as I would love that...it just doesn't happen in my world. 

When the kids aren't with me, I have such limited time to be an individual with a full life of my own that I can never seem to get anything of substance to start.  As soon as I figure out what I want for me...reality creeps in.  Sometimes I think that MY life won't begin until the kids are older.  Is that correct?  Is that appropriate?  I wish I could answer it.  I have these visions of what my life could (and is desired?) to be, I just don't know if, when and how to make it happen.  So for now, like Sysiphus, I push my rock up the hill...although, call me crazy, I think I am an inch higher today...