Be Careful What You Ask For

Sound advice!  My life is an embarssment of riches and I can't take it anymore.  I am more than willing to share the riches of my success because I can't manage it! 

My business has taken off so quickly that I can't keep up with demand and I have a hard time saying "no" to new clients.  So, this leaves me completely overscheduled.  I have added the equivalent of a whole day to my calendar without having the luxury of actually have those hours to schedule.  In addition, my teaching career is taking off and it looks like I am being asked to teach more classes next year -- which is something I would really love to do. 

My children are level, loving and involved in terrific activities as I had hoped for.  This means that the requirements on me are getting more intense as they need additional support and encouragement.  I give this willingly and freely, but not without noting the additional drain on my already subpar energy levels.

My relationship with Joe is terrific.  I don't know what I would do without him, but the crazy schedule has taken away some of our free time and I miss him terribly.  I have to be so mindful about our connection that the naturalness of it seems to be taken somewhat away.

I have really found a friend in my ex husband, which is a joy.  It is something that I have hoped for since we made the decision to separate.  The challenge is how to grow this new fangled relationship in the face of all the stumbling blocks we have overcome.

OK...I get it.  My life is good.  I am thankful.  I just wish it was this good in smaller pieces so that I could take it all in and enjoy it a bit more!!

Trusting the wings and pissing off the youngun's!

So, Michael has hit that critical age.  The one where parents lose any small vestige of control and influence they might have had.  That stage is called "Middle School".  I see now that I need to trust him more because I have no choice.  He will be coming home by himself.  He will be socializing on a new level.  He is capable.  I am not.

This has been a struggle for both of us.  He still wants me to manage certain things and there are others that I am not supposed to be involved in.  The problem is that I don't know which is which.  It changes every day. There are certain things that I refuse to do now.  For example, I am done managing his social life.  When he wants to see a friend, he tells me that he wants me to call the parent and set up a play date.  I am no longer doing that.  I told him that if he wants to see or talk to his friends, he can pick up the phone and make it happen.   He doesn't need me to do that.

I also am beginning to realize that there may be added benefit for me if I let him have more freedom.  For example, I have begun to trust him to stay home and watch Olivia for short trips to the store.  He has taken to the babysitting without any loss of limb or arson charge.  So far, so good.  Just think...when I can trust him to really watch Olivia...the ultimate freedom!  I may even add a trip to Starbucks to my grocery run!

Of course, this all comes at a price.  Michael has been advocating for his first cell phone.  I finally agreed.  Michael put in his order for an iphone 4S with all the bells and whistles.  I told him that I don't see him with an iphone just yet...but he pitched a strong case for himself.

Last Saturday, Michael and I went to Verizon to get his phone activated.  He was so excited when I went to the counter and said "My son would like a cell phone so let's add a line to my account.  I would like him to have unlimited call and text but no internet (he didn't like that part so much).  I would also like to get an iphone 4S, 64gb.   (Michael's eyes got wide with excitement.)  I would like the iphone to be put on my line and have this put on Michael's line (as I reached into my pocket and brought a refurbished flip phone.)"  Michael was ...  what's the word?????     Pissed!

Overall though, Michael is having a blast playing with ring tones and texting me from the other side of the living room....and every second from the minute I leave the house until I return.  Perhaps that is why there has been no arson....he is too distracted to touch the stove....

Awash with Opportunity

So, leaving my job was such a scary thing.  For me, for my family, for the universe really (because doesnt the universe revolve around me???).  Now that I have been at this for two months, I have some other challenges other than surviving. 

Everything seems to be coming to fruition all at the same time.  My clinical practice is basically full.  I am only taking on new clients as replacements as current clients move on.  The book is starting to progress.  It looks likely that I will be joining the faculty at one of the Boston colleges and work with clinics is pending.  There is so much opportunity (and I am not laughing at you Karma....really ... no need to seek revenge!) that I have to start being more judicious in how I schedule and fit it all in. 

I have sacrificed some of my evening family time with the thought that it is "just for now" while I figure it all out.  My plan is to scale back once I know how it all works.  This is a new type of learning for me....focus.  Now that I have tipped over the apple cart and have seen where all the apples are, it is time to start picking them all up and stacking them neatly back in the cart.  That part is always a bit more challenging for me. 

Anyone want to make applesauce with me????

Stretching Out

One of the great things about not being so overwhelmed with stress and work is that I have time to stretch out in really cool and new ways.  I figured, while I had unstructured time, I should really  invest in myself as much as possible.  It took me a while to start to figure it out, but here is where my focus is being placed:

Growing my practice.  This is critical and I am trying to think outside of the box and am marketing myself in every conceivable way.  I have always been a good networker and I look to find opportunities to speak to one new person everyday.

Getting the book completed.  This has been a bit more daunting that I realized.  It is a fun and important project but I am slowly realizing how much of a time suck it is going to be.  I am happy to invest in because it is important and I am 100% committed, but it still makes me take pause every once in a while and ask, "Can I really pull this off?"  (For those of you that know me...you have the answer.)

Diversifying my career.  I am speaking to a local college next week to discuss becoming an adjunct instructor.  This will be a great addition to my resume and puts me back on the academic track.  I have always had a Ph.D. in me...and I can feel it coming closer.  I am also looking to partner with other agencies to create multiple income streams.  Even if the stream is small and shallow...it is important!

Learning ASL.  There are only 5 registered ASL therapists in MA.  I have always wanted to learn and what a better motivation!?  My friend Lana is going to teach me and I can't wait!  I know the alphabet and numbers but hopefully I will be signing as fast as I talk in no time at all!

Spending more time relaxing.  Unfortunately, the working out has suffered a bit but I am spending more time doing things that bring me pleasure, like knitting, reading, cooking and going for a run.  It is hard to do this sometimes though because I am still not used to just doing what I want during the day and having no accountability unless I set it up.  It is weird but feels good.

Tending the home fires.  I find that I am far more relaxed and the family is the overall winner.  Everyone seems more relaxed, stress free and chill.

All I need now is...

OK...Transition update time!

I can't believe that I am as busy as I am!  I am seeing about 10-15 clients regularly (wish they all came every week!).  I am hoping for for 30 regular so I am between 1/3 and 1/2 there.  Not bad for only doing this for one month and we are entering summer (the slow season for therapy...I guess anxiety gets a vacation too!).

The book is also taking up quite a bit of time.  I have spent hours this week lining up the contributors.  I have donors, surros, parents, doctors, lawyers, clinicians...all writing their pieces.  I can't believe that this is all coming together.  I have had this book in my head for several years and to see it come to life is ... like giving birth!  However, I may need the epidural before this over...

The other projects I am working on are getting licensed in Connecticut to work over the border and supplement the income and trying to get an adjunct position at one of the universities as a field advisor.  So, clearly there is a lot going on.  All I have to do now is get people to give me money for all this work!  I have never been happier or more challenged, but also very nervous until I see greater evidence that all this work is going to pay off...literally.  So...all you loyal readers, this boy needs all of your good karma and if you have a referral or two...that would also help!

Friends, Food and Family

Yesterday was such a terrific day of connections and reconnections.

It was Gay Pride in Boston and Joe had to work.  The kids weren't with me and I was missing them.  (I love when they are home...everything is right with the world when I see them in their beds...)  So, the day was mine and I had no commitments other than the ones I chose to make.  IT has been a long time since I have had that kind of freedom and I made the most of it.

I went to the parade in the morning with Tressa, Miri and Jake.  We laughed, caught beads and enjoyed a really fun and festive parade.  It was like old times where everything was easy and quick quips would turn us into hysterical laughter every couple of minutes.  During the parade, I ran into someone I went to elementary school with and a friend from High School, Ken, who is on a very interesting personal journey.

I had several hours by myself to stroll through town and went to the festival and was able to do some marketing for my practice and make some great connections that will lead to new and interesting work.  It felt good and brought a new level of excitement for what is coming.  I didn't want to spend money so I didn't go shopping or buy food that I didn't need.  Instead, I sat and actually enjoyed the weather, people watching and felt that I could slow down and just be.

Then a huge moment.  I was able to connect and have dinner with friends that I haven't seen in nearly 20 years.  Ann, who I found out is living in Worcester and Charlie, who was visiting from London with her husband and brother and I were able to reconnect with Joe for dinner.  It was an amazing dinner.  We talked like no time had passed, shared stories of amazing times and laughed like only friends who have been through something special can do. 

I ended the night with Dane, Michelle, and great friends from grad school as we watched their wedding video on an oustide screen by a fire pit and ate the top layer of their wedding cake.  As always, the food was out of this world and the friendship meaningful. 

Wow...the life of an adult is pretty good!!

Going back

Just before I left my job, I agreed to do four days of consulting.  The first is tomorrow.  Here is what I realize:

1.  That job really was emotionally challenging and unhealthy for me.  I don't know how I survived the stress and anxiety of it day to day (other than knowing that there other really great people that worked there)

2.  I am having huge anxiety at the thought of going back so soon.  I wish I had more time before re-entering the building, but unfortunately the work has to be done now.  I want to maintain as many positive relationships as I can, but I am really feeling dread about walking in tomorrow.  I am sure it will be fine, but if I feel like this now, it is a real indicator of what daily life was like before.

3.  I am so thankful to have so much opportunity in front of me.  It is extremely anxiety provoking (in a good way) to have to build it and survive on my own, but I now hold my own destiny and am doing all I can to reach higher and work harder.  All of this with no one trying to break me down (other than my own self-defeating inner voice when things get crazy).

4.  I will get through two days this week and two days next week (and the money is appreciated!) and then I should spend some time reflecting on all of it because if I have this reaction at the thought of going there, I have some baggage that needs tending to!

Final Friday

Today is my final day at the agency.  I am moving on.  I am now solely responsible for my income with no safety nets.  It is all me.  I waiver between excitement, joy, inspiration, fear, worry and anxiety.  I must be successful because failure is just not an option for me.  I worry about having enough money to support my family, feed the kids, pay the rent, etc...but I also can't imagine sinking to that level of desperation. I have always thrown myself into really crazy situations that require me to make bold decisions to be successful and I haven't failed yet.  I can't imagine that this is the time that it happens...but it is scary just the same.

So...I have decided to stay in the moment and enjoy the transition.  Today, I say goodbye to working with an amazing group of people that have made this experience memorable, a terrific education and full of laughs.  They are throwing me a going away party on the office deck tonight and I plan to focusing on how delicious my hamburger is going to be.  There is plenty of time tomorrow to worry about everything else.  Oh...and if you know anyone that needs a great therapist...give them my number!

Thinking ahead

It is always at these crossroads that everything seems to come to a head.  A change in career always means that everything else gains perspective.  Why is it that I start to question everything?  I think it is akin to home renovation.  It goes something like this:

You redo the living room and you love it.  Then you look at the dining room (which you previously thought was spectacular) and think it pales in comparison to the new living room, you need new carpeting and lighting in there.  Then the kitchen clearly needs a new backsplash.  The treads on the stairs to the second floor are looking worn and when was the last time we had a new shower curtain?  We might as well get some new towels and floor mats...just spruce things up a bit...you know?  And, before you know it....scope creep.  The simple little living room project has now taken over your whole home.

I think the changes that I am going through are slowly taking me into the dining room, kitchen and we are headed up the stairs....  It seems that I am now looking at every aspect of my life and seeing if it is good enough to support all of the change I have already set in motion.  What else needs to change?  I might as well do it all now!

It is a bit (ok...more than a bit) exhausting and overwhelming...and scary.  My friend Sandy was talking about how I completely reinvent myself once a decade.  I don't think think that is the case here...I think these are more necessary changes than reinvention...but if feels the same.  I think I will grab a coffee as I swing by the new backsplash en route to the second floor...

A life's lesson

Nineteen years ago this week, I had an experience with someone that changed my life forever.  A co-worker and social friend (you know, the kind of guy that you hang out with socially but isn't that "tell me your deep and dark secrets" kind of friend) was having a tough day at work.  I asked him what was going on.  He had just broken up with his boyfriend and I thought that I would get some I miss him, that bastard type of response.  I didn't.

He told me that he was going for the results of his HIV test and he was nervous.  Without thinking, I asked him who was going with him and there was no one.  So I offered to go.  An hour later, we were sitting in a small room when he was told that his life was now going to be different.  I didn't say anything.  I didn't know what to say or what to do.  He simply imploded and let out a wail that was pure pain and agony.  For thirty minutes no one said anything.  He doubled over and I rubbed his back.

When he could finally get up and walk again, I drove him home and spent the night.  We spent most of the night talking.  He talked about how the next day would be Mother's Day and he couldn't imagine telling his mother.  I told him that it is a parent's right to cry and grieve with their children.  A parent has the right to feel pain and suffering when their children suffer.  He bought an airline ticket and flew home to tell his mother.  She was devastated.  They cried together.  They learned to live again.

Today, all these years later, this friend is a bright, brilliant, successful, well-adjusted, happy, engaging and healthy man that is living life to the fullest.  This experience changed me profoundly.  All these years later I am convinced that he gave me a special gift that night.  Living through that experience made me safer, wiser and more human.  Since that time, I have gone with several friends as they got their positive HIV results.  It is never easy.  It is always human.  BV....thank you for the gifts you have given me.  

Feedback can be humbling

It was announced yesterday to all of my clients that I am leaving the agency and moving on to my private practice.  I thought of this announcement more as a formality as most of the people that received the message have been moved onto other co-workers many months ago.  Boy, was I surprised!

My inbox has been exploding since the announcement went public.  I am humbly touched by the outpouring of affection and sentiment that has been sent my way.  So many people have written to me to discuss the role I played in changing their lives, supporting their dreams and how my use of self has touched them.  I truly don't know what to say.  I was just being me and doing what I do.

This work has always been important to me.  I valued every day and every client I came in contact with.  Even the difficult times and dreadful situations were meaningful.  I would have stayed longer had the political climate been different, but instead I have been motivated to move to a new and challenging adventure.

As my private practice begins to develop, I know there will be times that I will be at sea and will need to figure out how to work in a new way.  However, I trust my instinct and have never been afraid of jumping off a cliff to see how far the bottom is.  I will be successful because failure is not an option...and because I care about the clients I see in my therapy room.  Their success is my success.  Being reminded of that in the past several hours only serves to encourage me to jump more frequently.  

Spring has sprung...everywhere!

There is something about this time of year that makes me feel amazingly alive.  This year, more than any other year, I am walking around with a heightened sensibility.  There is so much new growth in the air that I am just tingling!

I am closing out my last few days in my job and getting ready to explode into my own private practice.  It is extremely scary and exciting at the same time.  I am giving up the security of a salary, but along with that I am also giving up the lack of control and freedom that comes from working to put money in someone else's pockets.  I am worried that my kids will suffer this summer while I struggle to build a thriving practice, but it will also be a good life lesson about what is important and how to live simply.  I am thrilled to be in charge of my own success and failure with no one to catch me...but me.

The kids are changing in front of me.  Michael is getting ready for his transition to middle school.  He doesn't even look like the same kid that was in my house this summer.  He has physically matured, is as tall as I am and has adult conversations with me (which totally freak me out by the way.)  Olivia is so damned independent now that I am not required to watch her every move.  She loves it but I don't know how to let my littlest grow.   Joe continues to grow into a stronger and more meaningful partner.  It is amazing that I feel such balance with him and there is so little stress.  Boy, when you find a good one...you just know it!

...and for those that were tracking my marathon adventure...Well, it just wasn't my day.  The weather was a freakish 91 degrees.  People were dropping at mile 2.  I made it to mile 15 and started to feel heat exhaustion so I quit. I was not upset, although I would have loved to cross the finish line.  Last year's winner from Kenya only made it two miles more than I did, so I shouldn't feel so bad.   The good news?  We raised $1M for cancer research and treatment.  So, I guess I crossed that finish line after all. 

The big race is around the corner!

Well....exactly one week from this hour, I will have completed the Boston Marathon...the world series of running events.  I am not sure how I will do, or how far I will get, but no matter the outcome...whether it is 26.2 miles or less...I will have crossed my finish line.  I have trained hard, raised a lot of money for a great cause, meet amazing people, heard heart filling stories and have shared this experience with Joe and the kids.  I can say I am a marathoner.  I did it, not matter if it was pretty or not!

I hope to have the feet of a Kenyan, the luck of the Irish and the heart of a lion!  Every dollar matters and every mile is meaningful!

Pettiness...ain't pretty

It is amazing to me how petty some people can be.  OK, not really...but it always makes me stop and go hmph!

Almost everyone at work has been supportive and interested about the next steps of my journey since I have given notice.  But there is one person who has been outwardly dismissive and petty.  My choice to change my future and build my career are about me.  This person has had the most inappropriate reactions (and quite frankly has no need to as my departure has no bearing on this person.) My rule of thumb is always to say something nice or at least wish the person well.  There is no need or meaning behind making someone's exit transition uncomfortable or full of ill will.  I always try to act with dignity and self-respect.  So, when someone acts this way, I just want to shake them and ask why.  I wonder what they get out of it.  What are they trying to overcompensate for?  What anxieties does their behavior calm?

I guess I will never know.  However, I am leaving happy, with conviction it is was the right move for the right reasons and at the right time...regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Healthy changes

I was shocked at how long it has been since my last serving of stew!  To all of my loyal readers...I promise to make you wait so long for your next bowlful!

So much has been happening lately.  I have been training for my first marathon and trying to run through old knee injuries that are determined to thwart my path to the finish line.  I am hoping that all will be well by marathon day.  It has been hard to get this far and think that I may not finish.  I keep reminding myself that I raised a lot of money for a good cause and pushed myself further than I have ever gone before.  But somehow...not getting the finishers medal seems to be a sour pill.  Hopefully...hopefully...

I have also quit my job.  Which was a nerve-wracking and scary thing to do.  I am going into private practice.  I am going to be my own boss...make it or break it on my own.  I am confident in my skills and believe that if I build it .... they will come.  I am also going to be spending some time in a group private practice that will hopefully be a good clinical home for me.  I like the team there and look forward to building strong relationships with them.  Overall, this affords me more time with the children, work that is exciting and the flexibility to have the life I want.  And...since giving my notice, I have slept better than I have in the last two years!

Olivia went through a scary sickness and is better.  Michael is making strides toward a huge transition to middle school.  Joe continues to be great to all of us and earns our appreciation every day.  What have I learned over the past few months...That is I slow down and recenter myself, I will remember that healthy changes make life better and are worth the risk...no matter how they turn out. 

Parenting through the tough times.

I knew going into this parenting thing that there would be challenging times and tough decisions to make.  However, I just wasn't prepared for all incompassing some of the stress would be.  Let me open with how much I love my kids and would do every bit of it over again given the opportunity.  They are the most amazing people I have ever met and I am a better person for having the honor of them in my life. 

However...that said.  What the hell?  I have never felt such a loss of patience, stress and feelings of inadequacy before.  They are times when I just say to myself...where did my ability to breath go?  Why am I jumping and snapping so much?  This is a note to myself to breath more, realize they are just being kids and what they are doing isn't going to cause any harm, or distress...even if it is ridiculous and makes a huge mess!  It can all be cleaned!  Mess is part of learning and I can live with a bit more disorder ... but the constant back and forth, the sibling squabbles and the disregard makes me flip out.  The fact that I give an ok and then what he initially asked for isn't good enough.  If I say yes to 10 minutes then he wants 15.  If I say yes to 15 then he wants 20.  So, even trying to be agreeable results in frustration.

Update:  I decided that the best way to address this was with Michael directly.  I sat him down today when we had some alone time (which admittedly, we never get enough of).  I explained my frustration and he had some opinions (most of which I didn't think were headed down the road to resolution, but he was talking.)  I explained that I want to be more agreeable and not to yell so much (I hate that I am a "yeller", but it is the truth.).  He told me that yelling doesn't make him change that just ignoring it will get him to do what he needs to be doing.  However, not yelling and nothing gets done...I told him that he is solely responsible for his brain, his mouth and his body, and when those things go awry is the only time he gets into trouble.  We seemed to come to a nonverbal agreement that he would take responsibility for those things...but time will tell.  For now, I am satisfied that we talked and then went for ice cream.  It was enough for today...for both of us.