He went that-a-way!

So, I am sitting on the tarmac at London Heathrow and I find myself at another crossroad.  A professional one this time and I am not sure which direction is best for me.  I am about to have my annual performance review and the company is on the verge of transformation -- in very good ways.

I am fairly confident that I will get a great review and hopefully a decent increase.  However, I also know there is going to be a bigger decision to be made about how I fit into the bigger picture of the organization.  Here is the frustrating part -- This conversation is going to be in code because the powers that be (and I don't "be") haven't finalized their planning yet.  So, I am left to surmize what the options are.  Here is what I can figure out:

1. More of the same.  Pro:  I am good at it and it doesn't require a lot of investment now that I know what I am doing.  Con:  It is getting boring.  I am not growing clinically and it is a dead-ender.  I will eventually have to leave.
2. Purely clinical role.  Pro:  I will deepen my clinical skills and be better prepared for the LI exam, although it still won't be as deep as I would like to go.  Con:  I have control needs and need to feel like I am part of the driving force of the organization and decision making process.  Unless this role can grow deeper, I will probably have to leave after my LI.
3. Bigger leadership role.  Pro:  If it can develop over time, I will be able to use both my clinical and business backgrounds and will have some big growth potential.  Con:  I am not sure how this fits into my longer term personal planning.
4. Something I haven't yet considered. 

 I am a bit anxious about this conversation for several reasons, most of which are petty office politics stuff, but this is the big one.  I have been needing a stronger vision for myself for the past several months and this conversation will be key to being able to set some clearer direction for me and the children.

Hello Guv'nah!

I am in London..one of the perks of my job.  I get to travel about 6 month out of the year to really fun places in Europe.  In the past few months I have been to Paris, Dublin, Barcelona, Madrid, Toledo.  This weekend I went to Salisbury and Stonehenge.  No complaints.  No "but" (I learned to scratch my "but" a long time ago!)  AND I miss the kids.  I really wish they could be here with me to see and experience all that I get to do.

Not much more to say other than, I do this to raise my family (although I really love my work) and if I had better options, I am not sure that I would travel this much without my kids.  Just...wishing they were here with me....

Shirley, you jest!

Oh, to be a kid again!  I just got back from a business trip to New York City.  I go every month.  This month was different.  Shirley, who had never been to New York, decided to come along. 

We talked about this about a year ago.  Shirley, who is deeply seated in the love family, has been a cornerstone of my support.  We first met when we were 18 years old and working at Denny's.  After the restaurant would close, we would sit in the back parking lot in her pick up and talk about absolutely everything.  She made me feel smart, important and cared about. But, a few years later, I ran away to the army and we lost touch.

Often there would be times that I would ask myself, "I wonder what happened to good ole' Shirl..." Then one day, many years later, I got a mysterious letter in my mailbox.  Inside the envelope, a self addressed stamped envelope fell out along side a simple letter that read:

I am looking for my dear friend.  If this is you, please call me!  If this is not you, please return the empty self addressed stamped envelope so I know to keep looking.  Thank you.

I couldn't believe it.  Shirley still lived in the same house she did way back then (she bought it from her mother).  She had two grown daughters.  We met two days later and everything was as it was years before.  During that first meeting Shirley said to me, "You know those times in your life when you rush to the phone to call that one best friend to talk about something really good or really bad?  Well...I never had your number.  I have been looking for you for 12 years...and I can't believe I finally found you."   Love family...this is the definition.

So here we are...running through Times Square, seeing a Broadway show and having the time of our lives...just like we did when we were kids.  She is still the funny, wonderful, warm, loving friend.  I never laughed so hard.  Shirley...you are the best!

Hello brick wall...let me introduce you to my head

Some days are like banging your head against the wall.  The simple things that should just naturally happen are made difficult.  Power and control rears it's ugly head. Deep breathing so I don't go crazy.  Say "yes" when I can and make it about the kids.

The kids are with me.  Michael tells me that he had a note from camp that talked about what he needed to be prepared for camp in the morning.  The note was taken out of his bag.  When I sent an email explaining that both parents needed to have all of the information so that we could co-parent effectively, I get the "non answer" of "copies are being made."  Yet, I still don't know how to prepare Michael in the morning. 

How will Michael feel when he gets to camp and doesn't have what he needs for the daily fun activities and all his peers are prepared and ready to go.  Who do you think he is going to get frustrated at?  It is not worth the fight.  I will just ensure Michael has a good day and figure it all out on my own.

So this just means one more brick wall to break down...with my head!

The original bucket List

Long before the movie the Bucket List came out, I made my own bucket list (on my 30th birthday) as I flew from CA to Boston.  I have not changed any items, although looking at the list now, I would like to edit a few...but think that I should leave it as it is.  So far, I have done 44 of them...the rest are a work in progress...

1. Learn to play the saxophone
2. (Visit the Parthenon 9/21/98)
3. (Learn Spanish 7/2/97)
4. Learn American Sign Language
5. Have a 55th birthday
6. Visit Hawaii
7. (Own property 2/16/96)
8. (Own twin puppies 11/22/96)
9. (Be debt free for six months 6/00)
10. Lose my love handles
11. Tell the hot tub installers to “put it over there!”
12. (Be on a talk show 9/16/00 Oprah’s Oxygen)
13. (Wake up in a sleepy English bed and breakfast 9/19/98)
14. Go on an African safari
15. Fly on the Concorde
16. (Overcome my fear of heights 9/05/02)
17. (Look my age 9/96)
18. (Write a book about my life 2/97)
19. (Finish a NY Times crossword puzzle without cheating 1/13/97)
20. (Understand where all my money goes 1996)
21. (Have a passport 10/15/96)
22. Have firm inner thighs
23. Visit every Olympic City
24. (Have a tan 7/4/99)
25. Meet Bette Midler
26. (Sing without making babies cry 7/1/99)
27. Say I’m finished with formal education
28. Turn down cream sauce
29. See the Taj Mahal
30. Scream “Ole!” at a bullfight
31. (Fly first class 5/10/96)
32. Find my godmother, Jan
33. Step foot on every single continent
34. Scuba dive
35. Not be afraid of the government
36. (To able to get legally married 9/8/2004)
37. Be able to sail by myself
38. Drink margharitas in the Carribean
39. Go downhill skiing
40. (Throw pottery 9/2005)
41. (Hang an original piece of art in my house 6/15/96)
42. Learn to hang pictures on the wall -- straight
43. Keep up with my cousin Marsha in her 90 minute high/low class
44. Read all of Shakespeare
45. (Wear a vest without a shirt 8/22/95)
46. Have well defined arms
47. See a cure for AIDS
48. (Understand football 2/02)
49. (Have a manicure 4/25/96)
50. (Have a totally frank conversation with my brother 9/02)
51. (Have my groceries delivered 1/8/00)
52. Not worry about fat grams
53. Eat without spilling on myself
54. (Let people put my address in pen 2/16/96)
55. (Get the salary I feel I am worth 10/14/97)
56. Learn to play the piano
57. Have muscle dimples on the sides of my butt
58. Wear cowboy boots with spurs
59. (Go to the dentist without being told to floss more 9/15/97)
60. (Visit Eastern Europe 9/2003)
61. Row crew
62. (Go to Mardi Gras 2001)
63. (Sleep until 1 p.m. 12/22/96)
64. (Parent 9/2003)
65. Understand the complexities of wine
66. Learn to read music proficiently
67. Have sex at 30,000 feet
68. (Go to a coffee shop where everyone knows my name 2/1/96)
69. Understand women
70. Understand men
71. Go gray before I go bald
72. (Live within my means 1996)
73. (Learn to make sushi 8/7/95)
74. (Tell the carriage driver “The Louvre please.....” 11/8/98)
75. (Use a bidet 7/2/97)
76. See the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall
77. (Learn to stop eating when I am no longer hungry 1/29/99)
78. Not take people for granted
79. Shear a sheep
80. See the Northern lights
81. Understand how my body works
82. (Own a 4-wheel drive truck 5/1/93)
83. (Get a full body massage 9/6/96)
84. Take my shirt off in public without reservations
85. Own a sand colored linen suit
86. Go on a hot air balloon ride
87. (Go on a whale watch 8/7/10)
88. Look good in yellow
89. Sleep on the beach
90. Milk a cow by hand
91. Walk the Great Wall of China
92. (Eat venison 11/6/98)
93. (Have a flower garden 4/1/96)
94. (Look good in glasses 9/13/98)
95. Parasail
96. (Get a tattoo 11/11/95)
97. Live on the water
98. Go white water rafting
99. Have a master bedroom suite
100. (See Mikhail Baryshnikov dance 2/26/99)

A slow build

So things are starting to build slowly with the man that knows my ex-husband.  I am happy to report that association hasn't interfered with our ability to get to know each other in a healthy and wonderful way.  That is not to say that there haven't been any impacts, but most of them have been on his side and not mine - and he reports that he is okay with how things are developing.

We talk nearly every day and see each other on the weekends.  I like that there is no mad crazy passionate puppy love.  Instead, there is a comfortable and enjoyable nesting.  I think the fact that we both have children and are older, we are taking a more paced approach.  We are spending time, being comfortable with each other and the children (the good thing is that I don't have to worry about when to introduce him to the kids...my ex has already solved that for me!) and building trust and intimacy. 

I have never really had a relationship that had a slow build to it and I appreciate the natural speed bumps along the way.  I am feeling like I can objectively look at him, us and the opportunities to decide if things are going in the right direction.  It is easier to be honest and discuss what is happening when you aren't rushing to the finish line.  Besides...who wants to be that sweaty after running a marathon?

FUNN

Everyone has a collection of people that come in and out of their lives at a particular time for reasons that we don't understand at the time.  Only in hindsight, do we realize the subtle but important impacts they had on us.

Fran Dunn is one of those people for me.  I always called her FUNN because her mailbox was F Dunn but the D fell off -- and it was so appropriate.  FUNN was the aunt of a kid I went to high school with.  He lived with her because of some unfortunate roads his life took.  Rudi is an amazing guy and I credit his aunt for a majority of it.  Rudi and I became close friends in college when he became my fraternity brother.  We spent so much time together ... most of it at FUNN's house (which was a trailer in a trailer park).

She would yell at us for being crazy and doing silly freshman fratboy antics, but she always loved us, knew where we were, who we were with and we always knew that we had a place to come back to.  She carried a big stick (but it was padded with concern and caring).

FUNN died this weekend and her funeral is tomorrow.  I am going. I am sad. I am full of wonderful memories of a woman that came into my life and showed me that I was worth caring about.

Miff: (trans. verb): to put into an ill humor; offend

Sometimes I get miffed.  Usually only for short periods of time, but I get miffed.  I hate that feeling.  This morning I got miffed.

I had an interaction with my ex this morning that stirred the pot.  The core details aren't important.  In the long run, it doesn't matter.  Perhaps I expect too much from people.  It often happens when people's behaviors aren't in the best interest of the kids or don't align with my values.  I know I had little control before the divorce and I have even less now.  However, I still get miffed from time to time. 

My learning in this?  Breathe.  It isn't worth the fight.  I can only control my own behavior and perspective and so that is what I will do.  I will change my course of action and challenge my own perspective.  I will remind myself of my four operating principles:

1.  I love my children more than I am angry at my ex
2.  My children need to have strong and loving relationships with both parents
3.  The divorce was for me and everything else is for the children
4.  I will say "yes" whenever I can and only push back on those things that are non-negotiable.

In the meantime, I will take deep cleansing breaths, regroup, make a new plan.  I can manage.

An extra day

I took an extra day off today as comp time for all the travelling I have been doing lately.  I got the kids up and ready for the nanny.  And now I don't know what to do.

I feel guilty that I have the day off and I didn't give Ava the day off as well.  She works so hard and has been with us since the day Olivia was born.  She is dedicated and has been such a strong asset for me and the kids.  

I could give her the day off from my kids because she will still have Alex (the baby in our nanny share) so she could be covered.  However, I also just want a day.  I am not sure what I to do with myself.  I have no plans and can't imagine what to do with my time.  I feel like I should spend the day with the kids but also feel a bit run down. I want to lay on my ass and watch TV, take naps....but I am also saying that I have no time to go to the gym and get healthy...

Maybe I will start with an espresso and see what happens.

4th of July

I had a really nice 4th of July.  I took the kids into Boston and let them play in the sprinklers.  Timm and Kameron joined us.  We stopped for chicken sandwiches.  I made risotto for dinner.  A really nice day.  To top it off, we went to fireworks with Jen, Robert and the kids.  A perfect ending.

While I was at the fireworks, I noticed a disturbing sight.  As the fireworks were going off, everyone in the audience had their cameras on.  There was a sea of little blue squares in front of me...All I could see was the digitial screens on the backs of everyone's camera.  Now, I always have my camera with me.  I am always taking pictures. But this night just didn't seem the right time to take pictures.  I didn't want a folder of photographs of bright lights in the sky.  That wasn't the memory I will take.  Having my kids fight to sit on my lap as they called "This one is mine!" and "Here it comes!" as they laughed and hooted and hollered and clapped.  The coziness, the giggle and the moment.  That is what I want to remember.  And, I don't need a photograph to do that.

Papa Lion

Tonight an amazing thing happened.  It is the kind of moment that anyone with kids hopes for. 

Michael loves playing at the park next to our house.  It is really more of an extension of our yard because we live right on the park.  It is a huge benefit of living here.  The kids have met lots of new friends and can be in the park everyday and I can watch them from the living room.  Most of the kids that are regulars are great kids and it is always a happy reunion when they all meet up at the end of the day for some energy burning.  I love to see it.

However - and there is always a "however" - there are two girls that are in the park everyday.  They are the mean "queen bee" girls that I have always dreaded.  The type that will act nice to your face one day and then slice you the next.  Well, they have been doing it to my kids.  I try to let my kids figure it out themselves with support and some subtle and gentle prodding.  I think it is important for my kids to learn those social skills, even though they may get somewhat bruised in the process.  Painful to watch. 

Well...these girls really let into Michael tonight.  He came home and said "Big Dad, those girls are really mean to me."  He proceeded to tell me all of the awful things they said to him.  (And truthfully, it was the average queen bee crap...none of the "your father is gay" crap that I always fear for my kids.) I was in a second furious and wanted to go out to the park and defend my son's honor.  I held back. Not easy.  I could feel the rage burning up my neck.

This is when it happened.  Michael turned to me and said, "Big Dad, how do you think I should handle this?  I think I need your help."  Rage morphed into pride instantly.  We talked about many strategies for handling mean kids without turning him into the playground pariah.  How he could respond and keep his dignity and self respect.  He listened...really listened and then went to brush his teeth.  When he was done, he came back and said, "Big Dad, what if I say...."  He had a great answer for them. 

That is when I realized that I didn't have to defend my son's honor...he is perfectly capable of defending it himself.