Starlight, Starbright

Today the children are with Tony this weekend. It feels like I have a rare opportunity to be home by myself. I am not in a hotel room and I can get the house clean, eat dinner without ketchup, watch whatever I want , soak in the tub and actually make plans to see friends without having to worry about what time I get home and how much the babysitter is going to cost. Sounds like heaven…and in many ways it is.

However, on the way to work this morning, riding my scooter, I found myself singing a particular little ditty in my head. Not just any ditty but a very important ditty.

On the day Olivia was born, after I witness the glory of her first breath, I cut her umbilical cord and carried her into the nursery. The nursing staff left us alone. Olivia in her bassinet under the warming light and me. Our first moment alone. I found myself stroking every inch of her naked body in amazement that I made this stunning creature. She opened her eyes and looked at me. Me. Her father. In that instant I naturally started singing a lullaby to her. It just came to me.

You are my starlight
Your are my starbright
I wish for you
A love that's true
Someone who'll love you like I do

I wish I will
I wish I might
This little wish I make tonight
This I do because I love you

Any way...it went on for a few verses.  And I still sing this to her when we cuddle at night.

Riding my scooter in the morning sun, I felt tears running down my face.  I realized that little wish, so clear in my mind, will come true someday.  She will will find a love that is true and I will just be her Dad.  This means the world is as it should be.  My dream come true.

Kids being kids

short post.  Let's just say.  Children + Carbs + Skype = Insanity.  Lesson learned.

Summer's Bounty

The joy of having another adult in the house is that I get to the things that I keep saying...I need to get to that!

This morning I went for a run with Michael (okay, I went on a "almost died" with Michael), canned 6 jars of fresh tomatoes and made 7 jars of cashew pesto.  I finally got around to reaping the benefits of a great summer bounty!  Perhaps tomorrow I can build on this wave of success and can some peppers and eggplant...and go on one more death run with Michael.

Adding to the plate

Sometimes it is when we are in a holding pattern that we get the greatest clarity. While there is a tremendous amount organizational change at work this week, the rest of my life seems to be in a holding pattern. This is good. I am really looking at how to structure what comes next.


This morning I was asked to join the board of the local community center. It is a 21 month board seat and I accepted. I am not sure how it will all go but I really felt that even though taking on another responsibility was crazy, I need something that will help me to connect with my community. I need to get out of my house and engage other adults in something that doesn’t have to do with parenting. When the call came this morning I was thrilled to be asked and look forward to the chance to build something great for our neighborhood.

Of course, after I accepted and had the day to think about it, I realized that the reason I am a member of the club is because of the children and wanting to provide them with an opportunity to stay connected with their social circle. So, this means that I will be engaging with all the parents of their friends and helping to strengthen their social ties by being more involved.

Lesson learned? Everything I do is about parenting – either directly or indirectly. This is about them and us as a family. My days of only doing for me are over. Thank goodness.

Expectations gone awry

I was so looking forward to this morning. It is the first morning in more than a week that I had the morning to myself (and the last morning for more than a week…) I spent an entire week thinking of taking last night and getting my house in order again, getting up and enjoying a cup of coffee, taking a shower with having to yell “I’m in the shower…give me two minutes!” and actually getting to work with a minute or two to spare.

I must have been asking for too much! My house is a wreck, I overslept so I raced through my shower, haven’t had coffee yet (can you imagine?) and barely made it to work on time. Is this the karma gods telling me something?

My mother comes tonight for a three night visit. So tomorrow, even though I am taking the day off from work, I don’t expect an easy, relaxed or quiet morning…but I do plan on yelling “I don’t know…go ask your grandmother!” as close my eyes and sink deeper into the tub (and hearing the duck squeek.)

If a picture paints a 1000 words...

It was one of those moments when I had another reality check about the new normal. The town I live in has been named one of the top ten places in America to live for the past many years. Money magazine, in their annual multi-page article, used a picture of my former home (now Tony’s home) as the cover shot for the article. Several neighbors felt the need to contact me to say how wonderful it is that the house is in the magazine and how proud Tony should be. In fact, they suggested that he contact the magazine to get a high definition print that he can frame.

I was devastated. It took me a while to figure out why. Here are my issues:

1. Why would people feel the need to contact me to tell me that my ex husband’s house is the sample of all that is good…when it is the house that I had to leave and give up?

2. While I know it is only a house, the purpose of the photograph is to show what a wonderful life it represents. It was a clear reminder of the loss.

3. I felt a strong inequity between Tony’s standing and security and mine and it scared me on some level.

I felt I should take the higher road and call Tony to congratulation him and tell him that it was a wonderful photograph. He didn’t know the house was in the magazine, so I broke the news to him. What was his reaction? “Can they do that without my permission?”

I instantly felt better. I realized why I no longer live in that house. Tony always started from that negative point of view and has to be brought to joy (or at least acceptance.) He can have his house, his photograph and his concern about permissions. I am doing just fine.

There's no moss on a rolling stone

I amazed that everytime I think I have got to a resting point in all the change known as my life, I realize that there is still so much going on.  I try to take a reflective break every once in a while just to enjoy all that is happening, to get perspective and to recharge. 

This past week, I have been on vacation with the kids.  We had a great week.  We went to water country, to PTown for a few days, hung out at the pool, did family bike rides and more.  We laughed alot, ate good food and everyone got some special time.  It was a great week.  We really had some good times that will be memories that are cherised. 

In the midst of all this, I realized that I still have many difficult choices that need to be made and some rough seas ahead.  There is still no easy place to be and all three of us have some major adjustments that we are still working through.  I never expected the enormity of the change or that it would be this long lasting.  Things that I thought would be difficult were relatively easy...and the things that I thought I could just skip through are the ones that really bog me down.

So...for now...I enjoy this bit of respite before I get up and start charging forward once again.  Renewed and thankful for this time.

I am what I eat...

I don't understand why I can't seem to remember that when I eat better and get even the slightest bit of exercise, I feel so much better.  This morning I had a modest, healthy breakfast, went on an hour long bike ride with the kids and then had a crispy salad for lunch. I feel terrific.  Now, this shouldn't be news to me because everytime I do this, I feel terrific.

The bigger quandry is why can't I remember this on other days?  Why can't I continue to make these choices on a regular basis?  It is almost like there is a conspiracy going on in my head that says feeling crappy is so much easier...just let go...fall to the dark (read:  fat and lazy) side...

I wish it was as easy as those commercials to get rid of mucus...a simple pill and the mucinex clears you right up.  Perhaps if I view my bell pepper as mucinex for my fat ass and cherry tomatoes as an upper I might be more consistent. 

#87...whale watch

Today I am doing #87 on the list:  Whale watching.

Such an easy thing to accomplish and never did.  I am excited to cross one more thing off the list!  The kids are ready and off we go!!

OK...so we went off to Stellwagon Banks...we saw two mother/calf pairs and a few escorts...no breaching but they were amazing!

"Will work for education"

I just did it and surprisingly, it didn't feel good.  I just sent off a very large check to pay off my student loans.  I spent my security money and now that I own my education, I feel like I am even more at risk.  I hated having that loan over my head.  I have been hoarding the money I got from my divorce settlement and did it.  Now it is nearly all gone, but so is the majority of my debt. 

My theory -- whether faulty or not -- is that the money I have been spending each month on student loans could be paid into my savings to build my security back up...and I will be earning interest not paying it.  Now, all I have left is my car loan, and that is a significantly smaller loan.  Then I am completely debt free. 

I had expected to have a feeling a joy, freedom or at least relief.  I got none of those.  All I had was worry that I was making a mistake by spending the money I used for security.  This is was one of those times that I felt truly single and wished that I had someone that would say "Don't worry, we are in this together."  But, the burden is on me. I hope the kids don't ask for a pony...the stables are empty.

PSA

So, I have been wondering what is going on in Olivia's little head.  Lately, over the course of the past few days, she has felt the need to randomly tell people that she has two daddies and that we don't live together.  We lived together before but not anymore. 

She is pretty matter of fact about the whole thing...like she was announcing that the sky is up and the park is to the left. But, what is going on in her little brain that she is telling everyone this?  Why is she focusing on it?  I wonder if it is that she is just now getting the reality that her family is structured different from most of the families that she knows and the difference is just more apparent now or if she is needing some kind of support.  I am thinking she is okay because she is so blase about how she talks about it and seems happy in every other sense.

The Death of Innocence

So the other day, I have Shirley, her daughter Crystal and my friend Stephen over for a barbeque with the kids. The night is relaxed and we are all enjoying a nice summer evening telling random stories.  That was a recipe for disaster.

Shirley begins telling this story that goes like this:  "It reminds me of the time that Crystal found out that the tooth fairy wasn't real....."

Really? 

Michael turns into RainMan and starts repeating the mantra "What do you mean the tooth fairy isn't real?"

Olivia is oblivious, Crystal and Stephen are dumbstruck and I keep saying to Michael "Stop talking!" 

All of a sudden, the blood drains from Shirley's face and she says, "Did I say that out loud?"  She is traumatized and can't move or speak.  Michael continues with his mantra with me repeating the need for him to be quiet.  I tell Crystal that Olivia wants to show her the new bike.  Olivia, for the very first time in her life, says "But Daddy, I thought we weren't supposed to get up from the dinner table?"

Crystal grabs Olivia and goes for a walk.  I tell Shirley that she should take Michael for a walk...I have to repeat that a few times before Shirley has her wits about her to get off her chair.  She grabs Michael and takes him into the house.  Stephen and I burst into hysterical laughter.  Then I leave Stephen all alone at the dinner table. 

As I enter the house I see Michael with his hand out and Shirley with her purse open, dropping a twenty onto his palm.  "For future lost wages..."

Now, if you have been with me for a while, I am sure you can probably figure out what happens next....

Michael's hand is still out and he says, "What about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus?"