The Lesson of Balance

In the past few weeks, I have been challenged to keep better balance in my life.  I have been thinking alot about the struggles I have been having in my job, the stresses of being a single parent and the lack of personal life lately.  This combination certainly has not brought me to a content place. 

I have been pushing and driving so hard at work for the past year, feeling prideful and most likely getting a big head about it. It took the events of the past few weeks to really give me a reality check about what is happening in my life.  Let's break it down:

1.  My job

I have been pouring so much energy into my job.  Checking emails at night and on the weekend, responding at all hours.  Really pushing hard.  I think there are two reasons for it.  a) I don't like to fail.  The fear that I would not reach my goal was unthinkable.  This means that I didn't look at the goal as a team effort.  I owned it wholly and completely, so when good things happened, I took credit for it instead of sharing it as richly as I should have.  It also means that the goal was personal, not business.  I didn't allow for natural business cycles to exist and I tried to force the natural rhythms of business to my personal needs.  b) I was working this hard because I was feeling like I didn't have much else was happening in my life.  I was feeling pretty much like a failure in the sense that I didn't feel any forward movement.  Parenting was getting increasingly challenging as my children were coping with the natural changes in their own development while facing the realities of divorce.  Financial setbacks seemed to be a weekly event.  There was no personal life to speak of and I was getting increasingly isolated from my personal support network.  The only thing I felt I had control over was work -- so I drove as hard as I could.  The resulting stress and anxiety clouded my ability to make good decisions and as a result, I have found myself with some messes in the workplace that I now have to clean up.

2.  Finances

While I have been fairly responsible in my finances, there was still some fat in my spending.  As a result, I haven't been saving for longer term goals.  I realize that there is still some belt tightening that needs to happen in order to achieve the longer term goals.  Budget is going on a diet.

3.  The Kids.

I scream.  I hate it.  I need to stop screaming and taking my stress out on my kids.  Nothing more to be said.  I have already started employing new behaviours this week and am enjoying the changing results.  I love my kids.  They are amazing.

4.  My Personal Life

I am determined to have one.  Balancing my work life, taking energy and time from that for me must be done.  I realize now that the work goals are shared goals and I can't control them.  I am going to stop trying.  I am going to hire a babysitter once in a while.  When Dad goes down, the family goes down.  Time to take care of me.  My thought process is:  If I die next year, is this how I want my last year to be?  If I live another 50 years, is this the quality of life I want for that long?  The answer to both is no.  Time to change.  Time for balance.  Time for me. 

The half way point

Tomorrow Michael turns 10.  Double digits. Nearly ready for Middle School.  As I planned out how his birthday would be celebrated, a strange awareness hit me. 

I adopted him at 2.  He has been home for 8 years.  If he leaves home at 18, I only have 8 more years.  This is the halfway point of having him with me.  A stark reminder of why I have to cherish every single moment, notice every nuance, and celebrate the amazing person he is.  I love that kid...

Overdoing Strengths

Today I turn 46.  Even though most people, wouldn't consider 46 to be a major milestone...I do.  It represents for me a new level of awareness and awakening.  And, as life has shown me, learning, growth and awareness can have multiple feelings attached to it.

Recently, I was offered some feedback about my working style and how I manage myself and my responsibilities.  It wasn't feedback that felt good, but was very helpful and I was appreciative for it.  I have spent a good deal of time truly reflecting on how I carry myself and approach others.  Clearly, there is stsill a lot more growth to be done.

However, there was one interesting comment that has stuck with me.  I was told that pride I have been exhibiting in my work and the energy that I bring to the workplace is being interpreted as my feeling inadequate and having low self confidence.  At first, I thought....this person doesn't know me at all!  But as I reflected on the comment, I thought that there was truly something to it. 

I have always been known as a person that has extreme self confidence, isn't afraid of risk and will tackle any challenge.  This also leads me to be a bit intimidating socially and perhaps somewhat aggressive or forceful.  I know it ... and I see it.  Since the divorce, I have indeed felt injured and significantly more concerned about the future and my ability to lead my little tribe into it.  I think I have been relying on old behaviours to "fake it until I make it". 

I think I am beginning to realize that I am doing more faking and less making.  The more faking I do, the more I posture and overdo the strengths that I have (assertiveness, risk taking, driving forward in tough times) and those strengths become detriments.  I need to be more reality based, less focused on the accomplishments at work and status and spending significantly more time working on my own sense of peace and life balance.  This awareness has actually brought a significant amount of stress into a more manageable process.

I didn't like the feedback I have been getting. I needed it.  I am thankful for it.  I will make the same mistakes, but I am focused on not letting my own anxieties, stresses and fears drive my behaviours.  I am going to slow down, breathe more and and acknowledge my own ability to manage and let go of the rest.    Or at least, that is the plan for today.