Sunday morning, 6:00 a.m. I am on the couch after having been banished there at 2:13 a.m. My shoulder is so stiff that I can barely move. I haven’t slept save 45 minutes. I thought that after the divorce, my days of banishment from my bed were behind me. Oh, how wrong I was!
Let’s start at the beginning. I am trying a new tactic. New parenting style. I realized that my stress over all of this change was making me a bit edgy. Last week, I decided that I am going to stop being reactionary. No more boiling over and expecting immediate results. Now it is simple. I say something once and that is all. (And I have been practicing saying it nicer and listening more.) Listen or don’t listen. Good consequences or bad. No yelling. No arguing. The change has been terrific. Set an expectation and children will rise (or fall) to it.
The result is that we are all calmer and talk nicer to each other…which results in my lower stress…which results in their lower stress. So, last night we decided to move family movie night to my bed. We all curled up in the dark. Before I knew it, I had two heavy breathers (and small child that shouldn’t eat so much fiber before bed…) Before I knew it, I was banished to a small corner of my queen sized. So, in the middle of the night, I crept to the couch with my pillow and throw blanket and curled up trying to stay warm…knowing that in a few hours, I would be in the kitchen making eggs and biscuits. I love Sunday mornings.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
New Beatles Appreciation
I had such a treat on Sunday! My friend, Ken, suggested that we attend a Beatles/Sgt. Pepper’s Open Sing. Now…for those of you who know me…
Let’s just say that I grooved, I moved and I crowed. An amazing time! What was also amazing was to spend time with another single, gay Dad with kids around the same age as mine. I have been working so hard lately, that I forget about taking in what is important and taking care to focus on what is a priority (hence my growing waistline). Taking a few minutes out to feel the joy and really get the lyrics from this brilliant piece of history left such an impact on me. Have you ever read the lyrics from the Sgt. Peppers album? Do it…and promise me that you will still love me when I am 64.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Breaking the Cycle
One of the things in my life that brings me the most pain is that I have no relationship at all with my older brother. Alan and I were never close as children – often compared, we felt pitted against one another. We also lived through some childhood trauma that served to ensure that we never built a trusting and confidante relationship. As we got older, the rifts between us only got deeper and more painful. After Alan started treating my children the way he was treating me, I ended ongoing contact. Not for ever, but only until we could have an adult conversation and come to some agreements about how we would treat each other. After six years, that conversation still hasn’t happened. I lost my nephews, my brother and my children lost their extended family. My brother and I haven’t spoken since. We have seen each other once in that time. I was standing in the rain transferring my mother’s luggage from my car to his. He remained in the car and couldn’t look at me.
What is concerning about this is that my mother also lost the relationships with her siblings (there were five that lived to adulthood.) There were periods of time when she had connection with one or the other, but they could never be together…except for a short period of time a few years ago. That didn’t last long as one of my aunts couldn’t hold the bond together. Since then, my other aunt has died and now my mother only has one brother to speak with on a regular basis. It is sad.
I am so adamant that my children will not be the third generation living through this. I know there is only so much I can control and, ultimately, the relationship between Michael and Olivia is theirs to navigate. However, I have no tolerance for when they are less than loving and supportive of each other. Today was one of those days. Michael had an all day play date. His friend was kind and inclusive of Olivia, and Michael was harsh and dismissive. It touched every raw nerve I had. I understand healthy sibling rivalry and Michael’s need not to have a 3 ½ year old tagging along. When it happens, it is all I can do not to fly off my chair and lose my mind.
When the night settled down and Olivia was in bed, Michael and I had a big discussion. I actually think this was one of my better parenting moments. I didn’t yell. I didn’t have a stern voice. I just told Michael how important it is to always nurture his relationship with Olivia. I explained what it is like to have a sibling that you can’t have a relationship with. I talked about someday, I wasn’t going to be around and all he would have is Olivia. His children and hers will want … no, need…connection, guidance, understanding and definition. I told him we are a team. (I, of course, am captain!) No team can win if the team members don’t work together and support each other. We are a small team, the three of us, and we need every single member. I think he got it. I hope he got it…at least for today.
What is concerning about this is that my mother also lost the relationships with her siblings (there were five that lived to adulthood.) There were periods of time when she had connection with one or the other, but they could never be together…except for a short period of time a few years ago. That didn’t last long as one of my aunts couldn’t hold the bond together. Since then, my other aunt has died and now my mother only has one brother to speak with on a regular basis. It is sad.
I am so adamant that my children will not be the third generation living through this. I know there is only so much I can control and, ultimately, the relationship between Michael and Olivia is theirs to navigate. However, I have no tolerance for when they are less than loving and supportive of each other. Today was one of those days. Michael had an all day play date. His friend was kind and inclusive of Olivia, and Michael was harsh and dismissive. It touched every raw nerve I had. I understand healthy sibling rivalry and Michael’s need not to have a 3 ½ year old tagging along. When it happens, it is all I can do not to fly off my chair and lose my mind.
When the night settled down and Olivia was in bed, Michael and I had a big discussion. I actually think this was one of my better parenting moments. I didn’t yell. I didn’t have a stern voice. I just told Michael how important it is to always nurture his relationship with Olivia. I explained what it is like to have a sibling that you can’t have a relationship with. I talked about someday, I wasn’t going to be around and all he would have is Olivia. His children and hers will want … no, need…connection, guidance, understanding and definition. I told him we are a team. (I, of course, am captain!) No team can win if the team members don’t work together and support each other. We are a small team, the three of us, and we need every single member. I think he got it. I hope he got it…at least for today.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tired...just tired
It is a Friday night and I am still at work. I feel like I am completely drained! I started my new job but haven’t stopped my old job. The healthy eating train I was on, backed up over me and then ran over me again. Time to get refocused! Time to think about what is most important.
First, my kids. Everything I do, I do with them in mind. Even when they are not with me, they are present. They keep me going and make me think and rethink about every decision I make (which can be exhausting). I was feeling overwhelmed and Olivia called me to tell me that she was playing on the tree house at the mall play space. That quick phone call was enough to get me through the afternoon. That is why I was at work.
Second, my sense of self. This one is a bit harder to stay focused on. I think about my future and get flustered. It is too big to consider. Too many variables. I know I need to tend to my physical and mental health. Being a great parent. Relationships. Financial security. Intellectual growth. It is all too much on some days. How do people do this and make it look easy? By the end of the day, I have usually only been able to attend to one of them because the rest of it all creeps in (you know…paying the bills, laundry, cleaning the bathroom, grocery shopping, changing the sheets…If I don’t do everything, it doesn’t get done.)
Third, my love family. Sometimes a simple word of encouragement or call from them really gets me through the day. They will never know how much I need, appreciate and value them. These are the people that never let me down, never make me guess whether or not they have my back and make it easy for me to love them in return.
So…what am I going to do about this? I am going to eat a healthy dinner and try to leave the office no later than 8:00. When I get home, I am not going to do the ironing that is piled in the dining room. I am going to put my feet up, watch a movie…and yes, it may have Reese Witherspoon in it – don’t judge me.
First, my kids. Everything I do, I do with them in mind. Even when they are not with me, they are present. They keep me going and make me think and rethink about every decision I make (which can be exhausting). I was feeling overwhelmed and Olivia called me to tell me that she was playing on the tree house at the mall play space. That quick phone call was enough to get me through the afternoon. That is why I was at work.
Second, my sense of self. This one is a bit harder to stay focused on. I think about my future and get flustered. It is too big to consider. Too many variables. I know I need to tend to my physical and mental health. Being a great parent. Relationships. Financial security. Intellectual growth. It is all too much on some days. How do people do this and make it look easy? By the end of the day, I have usually only been able to attend to one of them because the rest of it all creeps in (you know…paying the bills, laundry, cleaning the bathroom, grocery shopping, changing the sheets…If I don’t do everything, it doesn’t get done.)
Third, my love family. Sometimes a simple word of encouragement or call from them really gets me through the day. They will never know how much I need, appreciate and value them. These are the people that never let me down, never make me guess whether or not they have my back and make it easy for me to love them in return.
So…what am I going to do about this? I am going to eat a healthy dinner and try to leave the office no later than 8:00. When I get home, I am not going to do the ironing that is piled in the dining room. I am going to put my feet up, watch a movie…and yes, it may have Reese Witherspoon in it – don’t judge me.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Beginning A New Year by Closing Out the Old
So it is New Year’s Day. I am home alone. Not because I couldn’t have plans but because I finally realized how tired I am. Marking the end of the year really caused me to reflect on why I may be so damned tired.
Let’s just count it down. In the last year I got divorced. I moved out of my family home after putting my belongings in boxes into storage…then came the transitioning of my children into the new reality of living in a split family. I thought I might have met the future and then realized that we even though we both wanted forward movement, the building blocks weren’t there. I completed my second Master degree and had to transition back to a professional life. After killing myself studying, I took and passed my licensing exam. I took on the full responsibility of a household. I got the full financial realization of what divorce means. I found a new job in my new career and then took on a completely new role in that organization. And I closed the year with realization that all of this is a result of my decisions.
While much of it was painful and emotionally draining, I don’t regret a single decision. Do I wish certain things had worked out differently? Of course, but I have never been one to take the easy route. I have learned many lessons through all of this. Don’t have a relationship by default. Don’t be afraid to make changes, even if you don’t know how it will all work out. Follow your heart and instinct and it really will all work out. At this point, I still believe that…I am just waiting to see how it does.
Let’s just count it down. In the last year I got divorced. I moved out of my family home after putting my belongings in boxes into storage…then came the transitioning of my children into the new reality of living in a split family. I thought I might have met the future and then realized that we even though we both wanted forward movement, the building blocks weren’t there. I completed my second Master degree and had to transition back to a professional life. After killing myself studying, I took and passed my licensing exam. I took on the full responsibility of a household. I got the full financial realization of what divorce means. I found a new job in my new career and then took on a completely new role in that organization. And I closed the year with realization that all of this is a result of my decisions.
While much of it was painful and emotionally draining, I don’t regret a single decision. Do I wish certain things had worked out differently? Of course, but I have never been one to take the easy route. I have learned many lessons through all of this. Don’t have a relationship by default. Don’t be afraid to make changes, even if you don’t know how it will all work out. Follow your heart and instinct and it really will all work out. At this point, I still believe that…I am just waiting to see how it does.
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