Learning from the past

So, lately I have been completely stymied. I have had more people tell me they have seen my ex out and about. He tells me things. The kids tell me things. And it is shocking the things I hear. I don’t understand and am a bit taken aback.


It seems that he is out having a strong social life, meeting all kinds of new people, joining groups, going to the gym, having cocktails, seems to have money to spend, is taking vacations with friends, babysitting for others, etc. How can all of that be true? When we were together, he had no friends other than the ones that I brought into the relationship; he wasn’t a “joiner” in any sense of the word and would barely talk with me about anything. Now, he is living an active and engaged life…the life I was hoping to have as a couple. Why couldn’t he do this when we were together? This would have helped to maintain our marriage!

Don’t get me wrong…I don’t begrudge him any of this. In fact, I am thrilled that he is able to live a full life; it is what I always hoped for. What I don’t understand is why couldn’t he do this when he was with me? Why could he find a way to live fully with me as his partner? I have to question myself. Clearly, he is capable of this…just not with me, so what was it about our marriage that held him back? I would like to think that perhaps, my leaving woke him up, and allowed him to live more fully. However, I don’t think that he was that linked to me personally.

Could it have been that his sense of security has changed and he realizes that he needs to do this to live whereas before, I managed most of this and he didn’t need to pay attention? I am sure that I will never have the answers. He will never talk to me about this.

What do I have to learn from this? I think there are lessons here that I need to pay heed to before letting go:

1. I cannot manage a relationship and expect my partner to be able to grow. I think I made this mistake in my marriage and it helped to bring us apart.

2. I must not provide all of the social outlets for my partner, nor expect him to always want to/have to participate in mine because if I do, he will not develop any of his own.

3. I have to get a perspective that allows me to be genuinely happy for him in his new life that is separate from any feelings of guilt, jealousy or abandonment that I might have.

4. I have to find a way to deal with the times that our different social networks, outlets, activities intertwine, because they are starting to do so more often.

This is me starting to learn and let go…finally.