There was a time in my life when I was afraid that I would never have children. My life would be incomplete. For quite a time, I was obsessed with children to the point of desperation. I was willing to end a relationship to have children. I was true to that calling and put my entire life in a tailspin to have kids. People told me I was crazy. People told me that I didn't know what I was getting into.
I ultimately ended my marriage, left my career, changed my financial status, gave up my home, separated from the majority of my support network in order to have children on my own terms. Let me begin with the fact that I have no regrets. It is still the best decision I have ever made in my life. I can't imagine my life without my kids and all the lessons, joy, insight, purpose they bring to me.
With that said, I am stymied by the constant pull on me. The never ending drain on my energy, focus, resources, and opportunity. It is the part of parenting that I intellectualized prior to having my kids, but in reality is stunning. Even when my kids are not with me, I still feel the pull and weight of parenthood.
I have the constant negotiation and challenging from Michael and the ongoing clinging of Olivia. I can't make a phone call. I can't complete a sentence to one child without the other interrupting, feeling like I choose on child over the other. The constant screaming that is in my house is brainsplitting at times. I look at these parents who speak calmly to calm children who speak in calm voices and sit down. What planet are they from? It isn't my reality. As much as I would love that...it just doesn't happen in my world.
When the kids aren't with me, I have such limited time to be an individual with a full life of my own that I can never seem to get anything of substance to start. As soon as I figure out what I want for me...reality creeps in. Sometimes I think that MY life won't begin until the kids are older. Is that correct? Is that appropriate? I wish I could answer it. I have these visions of what my life could (and is desired?) to be, I just don't know if, when and how to make it happen. So for now, like Sysiphus, I push my rock up the hill...although, call me crazy, I think I am an inch higher today...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Receiving feedback
So I have spent a fair amount of time lately asking some of my co-workers for feedback. As my grandmother always said..."Don't ask a question if you don't want the answer." I have had the sense lately that I have been a bit polarizing at the office wanted to understand what has been going on. Let's just say it took a bit of time to digest!
Some of the folks said that they liked social Elliott much more than work Elliott. I couldn't understand that because I think I am the same in both situations. I found that almost no one could articulate the issue for me. Finally, one co-worker said that it was almost all due to my position. Because the authority with my role is undefined, but that I am clearly a part of the management team, they don't know how to interact with me and so it feels like sometimes when I ask for something or want a response for them, it can be seen as demanding or interrupting. She also said that they are frustrated because they see a fracturing of the different parts of the business and they don't feel they have a ready an access to the top tier. Because I am with the owner every day, they percieve that I have his ear and they want their requests and information and frustrations to go through me (although they don't share much with me) and feel that it stops with me so I am some type of gate keeper.
Another co-worker told me that it was my tone of voice...that sometimes I am "too business and not personal enough". While I don't understand that, it is something that I can be mindful of and really keep an ear out for. She gave me a few examples and was able to articulate how I might have handled a few situations better. For that I was grateful.
What made all of this difficult for me is that the one thing I value above all else is relationship. I pride myself on my relationship abilities. I have heard from previous teams that I have led in other organizations that I am the best leader they have ever had and that our team was the only reason they came to work. Never before have I been in this position. It really cuts me to the core of my values and self identity. I am really taking this to heart...and will learn from it.
My biggest concern is that I find it is making me tentative. It is making me second guess my interactions with all staff and is inhibiting my ability to drive results and be successful. I need to spend some time getting some clearer perspective and seeing what it will take to overcome the misperceptions due to my job/role and to own what is truly my responsibility to change...no easy task.
Some of the folks said that they liked social Elliott much more than work Elliott. I couldn't understand that because I think I am the same in both situations. I found that almost no one could articulate the issue for me. Finally, one co-worker said that it was almost all due to my position. Because the authority with my role is undefined, but that I am clearly a part of the management team, they don't know how to interact with me and so it feels like sometimes when I ask for something or want a response for them, it can be seen as demanding or interrupting. She also said that they are frustrated because they see a fracturing of the different parts of the business and they don't feel they have a ready an access to the top tier. Because I am with the owner every day, they percieve that I have his ear and they want their requests and information and frustrations to go through me (although they don't share much with me) and feel that it stops with me so I am some type of gate keeper.
Another co-worker told me that it was my tone of voice...that sometimes I am "too business and not personal enough". While I don't understand that, it is something that I can be mindful of and really keep an ear out for. She gave me a few examples and was able to articulate how I might have handled a few situations better. For that I was grateful.
What made all of this difficult for me is that the one thing I value above all else is relationship. I pride myself on my relationship abilities. I have heard from previous teams that I have led in other organizations that I am the best leader they have ever had and that our team was the only reason they came to work. Never before have I been in this position. It really cuts me to the core of my values and self identity. I am really taking this to heart...and will learn from it.
My biggest concern is that I find it is making me tentative. It is making me second guess my interactions with all staff and is inhibiting my ability to drive results and be successful. I need to spend some time getting some clearer perspective and seeing what it will take to overcome the misperceptions due to my job/role and to own what is truly my responsibility to change...no easy task.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Christmas time has come
What a difference a year makes. I can't believe that the children and I are about to celebrate our second Christmas holiday in this apartment. The year went by so very quickly. Last year, I had no joy, no celebration and worried about how I would provide for my little tribe, what kind of Christmas celebration would I be able to arrange and whether or not I could put on a cheery face for the little ones. Because the children still believe in Santa, I had to purchase my own presents and stocking stuffers, wrap them and put them under the tree....so sad! Last year the Christmas tree was on the sidewalk by noon on Boxing Day with all the ornaments packed and stored.
This year...I am slowly enjoying letting the holiday roll over me. The tree is up and I am pleased with it. The presents are mostly purchased and wrapped. This year, I purchased myself some mighty fine bling and things that Santa just knew that I wanted! The tree may last until January the way I am feeling. The children are excited. We had our Santa picture (even though Santa yelled at me for putting my hand in the picture).
This year we will have a holly jolly Christmas Eve and morning. When the children go to the other side for Christmas Day...I may go to the movies, visit a friend, ... or just sit home alone in my PJs watching bad TV...but I won't be sad this year.
This year...I am slowly enjoying letting the holiday roll over me. The tree is up and I am pleased with it. The presents are mostly purchased and wrapped. This year, I purchased myself some mighty fine bling and things that Santa just knew that I wanted! The tree may last until January the way I am feeling. The children are excited. We had our Santa picture (even though Santa yelled at me for putting my hand in the picture).
This year we will have a holly jolly Christmas Eve and morning. When the children go to the other side for Christmas Day...I may go to the movies, visit a friend, ... or just sit home alone in my PJs watching bad TV...but I won't be sad this year.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
When parenting becomes real
Today was one of those days when, as a parent, I saw the two ends of the process. Needless to say that I am exhausted.
This morning I took the kids to the beauty parlor so Olivia could get her hair done. She loves this. It is such a treat for her and she was so appreciative. Michael sat contently reading people magazine so he could get caught up in all of his celebrity gossip. I was proud of my little tribe. Everyone was content and happy. Olivia got on her holiday dress and looked spectacular with her hair done. Michael even had a belt on and his shirt was tucked in. I felt victory. I can do this!
Off we went to get Santa pictures taken at the mall. The kids handled the wait in line with almost no redirection and politely waited their turn. I was the envy of every other parent in line that was herding cats. The children excitedly sat on Santa's lap and that is when the day started to turn. I went to use my blackberry to take a picture of the children because it was one of those rare instances where they both looked good, were still and smiled like happy children and robotrons. Santa yelled at me to back up because my hand with my blackberry got into the way of his photographer. (It is actually a great picture...and yes, I bought it.)
The kids were hungry so we went, against my better judgment, to the food court. Thai food all over Olivia's satin Christmas dress. I thought I could stop at a store or two on the way out to pick up a few presents. Michael = begging for toys. Olivia = snot running all over her face. Olivia and Michael start wrestling and knock a mirror off the store wall. Michael gets so mad at me because I won't buy him toys and wont listen to his reasoning on why I should buy him everything that he has been waiting for five years (which is ironic because the toy he wanted was just released).
In the car, Michael starts getting incredibly snarky and rude and disrespectful in a way that more than vaguely sounds like my exhusband. Gas meet fire.
It is early in the evening. Both children are in bed. I am exhausted. But, I wouldn't trade the hardest day with these kids for anything you would offer me.
This morning I took the kids to the beauty parlor so Olivia could get her hair done. She loves this. It is such a treat for her and she was so appreciative. Michael sat contently reading people magazine so he could get caught up in all of his celebrity gossip. I was proud of my little tribe. Everyone was content and happy. Olivia got on her holiday dress and looked spectacular with her hair done. Michael even had a belt on and his shirt was tucked in. I felt victory. I can do this!
Off we went to get Santa pictures taken at the mall. The kids handled the wait in line with almost no redirection and politely waited their turn. I was the envy of every other parent in line that was herding cats. The children excitedly sat on Santa's lap and that is when the day started to turn. I went to use my blackberry to take a picture of the children because it was one of those rare instances where they both looked good, were still and smiled like happy children and robotrons. Santa yelled at me to back up because my hand with my blackberry got into the way of his photographer. (It is actually a great picture...and yes, I bought it.)
The kids were hungry so we went, against my better judgment, to the food court. Thai food all over Olivia's satin Christmas dress. I thought I could stop at a store or two on the way out to pick up a few presents. Michael = begging for toys. Olivia = snot running all over her face. Olivia and Michael start wrestling and knock a mirror off the store wall. Michael gets so mad at me because I won't buy him toys and wont listen to his reasoning on why I should buy him everything that he has been waiting for five years (which is ironic because the toy he wanted was just released).
In the car, Michael starts getting incredibly snarky and rude and disrespectful in a way that more than vaguely sounds like my exhusband. Gas meet fire.
It is early in the evening. Both children are in bed. I am exhausted. But, I wouldn't trade the hardest day with these kids for anything you would offer me.
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