Our first Thanksgiving in the new house and we are as we should be…stuffed, exhausted and in a food coma. We laughed, we ate, we laughed some more. We ate some more. I was so worried about what this holiday season would bring. My focus was on whether or not I could provide for my children a holiday experience that would not stray too far from what they expected. One that was full of food, family and fun. My greatest fear was that what I could provide couldn’t compare to what my ex and his tight knit family could.
I picked up the kids this morning and we went to Shirley’s house. She is one of few people in my life that completely blurs the lines between friend and family. Her house was warm and smelled of yummy goodness. We worked together (okay…she worked magic and I washed pots) to put an amazing dinner on the table. It felt good to be there. My kids had an amazing day. I felt loved.
We came home, and I was thinking that the day would wind down quietly. My landlords from downstairs had their family there. A gregarious Italian family from Italy that believes the definition of family is anyone who sits at your table. They brought us in and the holiday continued. We left feeling like we were no longer the tenants upstairs but rather a welcomed presence in the home.
Coming back upstairs, I was now content to wrap up a great day. I told the kids to put on pajamas and I went into the kitchen to put away the food that Shirley had sent along with us. When I turned around I saw the box that came yesterday which contained gifts and warm wishes from Paula and Sharon in San Francisco. Yet another reminder of what I have to give thanks for. So, beginning this holiday season, I now believe that what I bring to my children – in love, friendship and family – is certainly something to be celebrated and has as much value as any past experience they have.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Beginning to Talk about Sex
Remember my last blog entry…the one where I was just waiting? Well, the cosmos is a cruel lover! Now I know what I was waiting for! During dinner my son asked the big sex question. We were discussing my daughter’s surrogacy journey and the wonderful women that helped us along the way. He finally realized that there were two women involved…an egg donor and a surrogate. This led to the egg and sperm discussion which led to the “Whatchutalkinbout?” reaction. Of course, I took my customary I will not be shocked or thrown by anything you do or say approach and told him that I would be happy to answer any and all questions after Olivia went to bed. In my head, my thought was “Great, I have 67 minutes to figure out how to do this…”
So, after the princess went to bed, I called him into my room and asked him if he still wanted to ask questions. He asked the very basic questions and I told him the very basics. Gets hard. Goes in. Stuff comes out. Egg/Sperm. Baby. I thought…ok…I did a good job. He asked me if I ever had sex and I told him yes. That it is something adults do. There was nothing wrong with adults who have sex, but that sex should only be between adults. I also told him that while there is nothing wrong with sex and that it was perfectly natural, that he shouldn’t be talking about it on the play ground with his friends because this is the kind of information that kids should learn from their parents, and not from other kids. He wanted to know why and I told him that one of the joys of being a parent is being able to teach your children about life and the world and because some kids aren’t ready to learn about it and parents want their kids to know different pieces..so he shouldn't be talking about except with his parents.
Then he asked who I had sex with, and wanted a list of names! I told him that was private information for me and that it wasn’t something that he needed to know. At which point, he gave me the most evil leer and said “I know people you have had sex with! OMG!!!”
Not the best sex talk, but not the worst either. However, I didn’t realize that becoming a parent was going to be like living with the ethics and morals committee! Luckily I am sure that I will be getting another chance at this one....
So, after the princess went to bed, I called him into my room and asked him if he still wanted to ask questions. He asked the very basic questions and I told him the very basics. Gets hard. Goes in. Stuff comes out. Egg/Sperm. Baby. I thought…ok…I did a good job. He asked me if I ever had sex and I told him yes. That it is something adults do. There was nothing wrong with adults who have sex, but that sex should only be between adults. I also told him that while there is nothing wrong with sex and that it was perfectly natural, that he shouldn’t be talking about it on the play ground with his friends because this is the kind of information that kids should learn from their parents, and not from other kids. He wanted to know why and I told him that one of the joys of being a parent is being able to teach your children about life and the world and because some kids aren’t ready to learn about it and parents want their kids to know different pieces..so he shouldn't be talking about except with his parents.
Then he asked who I had sex with, and wanted a list of names! I told him that was private information for me and that it wasn’t something that he needed to know. At which point, he gave me the most evil leer and said “I know people you have had sex with! OMG!!!”
Not the best sex talk, but not the worst either. However, I didn’t realize that becoming a parent was going to be like living with the ethics and morals committee! Luckily I am sure that I will be getting another chance at this one....
Breaking the Moment
Do you know those times when you are sitting at home or work and you are waiting? Not sure what you are waiting for, just waiting…for the phone to ring, for an email to come, for something to change the way your day is going? Well, I am having one of those days. I know full well that I could get off my chair, do something different, change my perspective, but I seem stuck. Just sitting here. Doing nothing. Expecting something to happen. (We all know how this is going to turn out, don’t we?) I have played my online scrabble moves. I have checked my email. What to do next? I am a smart guy and I know I can do lots of things. Sitting here like this isn’t helping.
If one of you told me you were in this situation, what would I tell you? Step away from the computer. Stand up and take a walk. Drink a glass of water. Sing. Do some sit ups. Do something that is so contrary to what you are doing now and see if it shakes things up. OK. I am going to step away from the compu
If one of you told me you were in this situation, what would I tell you? Step away from the computer. Stand up and take a walk. Drink a glass of water. Sing. Do some sit ups. Do something that is so contrary to what you are doing now and see if it shakes things up. OK. I am going to step away from the compu
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Self Actualization
Tonight was another of those subtle moments where I had to pause and reflect on who I am, what I am doing, and where I want to be when it is all said and done. Having dinner with the kids and THE GIRLS, Miri brought up the concept of self actualization. She mentioned that she thought I was someone who worked to be self actualized.
I told her that I am not sure I can say that because I think that to be self actualized, you have to have a goal and then work to get it. At this time, I don’t think I have a particular goal, other than to figure it all out. In the meantime, I am just trying to make good decisions – bad decisions are so easy to make – until I get more clarity on the future.
The more I thought about, I think self actualization is just figuring out who you are supposed to be…and then being that person. Perhaps this is who I am supposed to be today. Am I self actualized for today but not tomorrow if I don’t continue to grow? (That feels like a ton of pressure.) I think I will take it as day to day process rather than looking at it as a lifelong one. I think for today I am who I am supposed to be. When I wake up tomorrow, I will ask again and see what the answer is at that time.
I told her that I am not sure I can say that because I think that to be self actualized, you have to have a goal and then work to get it. At this time, I don’t think I have a particular goal, other than to figure it all out. In the meantime, I am just trying to make good decisions – bad decisions are so easy to make – until I get more clarity on the future.
The more I thought about, I think self actualization is just figuring out who you are supposed to be…and then being that person. Perhaps this is who I am supposed to be today. Am I self actualized for today but not tomorrow if I don’t continue to grow? (That feels like a ton of pressure.) I think I will take it as day to day process rather than looking at it as a lifelong one. I think for today I am who I am supposed to be. When I wake up tomorrow, I will ask again and see what the answer is at that time.
Beginning the Day
Sunday mornings are best spent quietly, in bed with coffee and the newspaper with some music playing in the background. The smell of baked goods wafting in from the kitchen (made by someone else), and relaxing -- perhaps with that special someone. OK...my fantasy was shattered this morning quite early. Miss Olivia crawled into my bed (she is a special someone...just not the one aforementioned) with wild curly hair flying everywhere (mostly in my face). She wanted to play and her energy was boundless. Then the Crowned Prince woke up to announce that he was sick and should be allowed to lay on the couch all day watching Iron Man. When his Royal Highness was advised by his most trusted advisor that the realm would not be run by a lounging Prince....well, let's just say that I had to save the kingdom from civil war.
I am now up and at 'em and didn't get my coffee, my newspaper, there is no music playing, relaxing is something for the better classes, the only baked good I will be having closely resembles a piece of burnt toast, but I have my special someones and the day started out just fine.
I am now up and at 'em and didn't get my coffee, my newspaper, there is no music playing, relaxing is something for the better classes, the only baked good I will be having closely resembles a piece of burnt toast, but I have my special someones and the day started out just fine.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Beginning the Holiday Season
OK, tonight was a real reality check for me. The kids were with my ex and I decided that rather stay home and focus on the ironing again, that I would go and do something fun. I have always loved the holidays so I thought I would do some early Christmas shopping and put it away for a few weeks.
My goal was to buy some things for the kids and ensure that Santa had some things for me and my stocking as well....after all, I didn't want the kids to ask why, all of a sudden, Santa didn't bring things for me. I wanted everything to be as normal as I could make it.
I went into several stores and struggled to put anything in the cart. I have never had a problem shopping. In fact, I could win Olympic gold if it was an option. But, this was different. This year there would be no gifts for me under the tree or in my stocking unless I put them there. I couldn't bear to spend money on anything. I don't have a lot of spare space and I don't need anything. Sure there were things that I liked, but this whole year has been about learning to do with less, to downsize, to live frugally. To buy for the sake of buying was just ... well.... wrong. So I bought a few small things that I could do with the kids....and toilet paper. One can never have enough toilet paper.
My goal was to buy some things for the kids and ensure that Santa had some things for me and my stocking as well....after all, I didn't want the kids to ask why, all of a sudden, Santa didn't bring things for me. I wanted everything to be as normal as I could make it.
I went into several stores and struggled to put anything in the cart. I have never had a problem shopping. In fact, I could win Olympic gold if it was an option. But, this was different. This year there would be no gifts for me under the tree or in my stocking unless I put them there. I couldn't bear to spend money on anything. I don't have a lot of spare space and I don't need anything. Sure there were things that I liked, but this whole year has been about learning to do with less, to downsize, to live frugally. To buy for the sake of buying was just ... well.... wrong. So I bought a few small things that I could do with the kids....and toilet paper. One can never have enough toilet paper.
The Beginning of the Beginning
I am looking forward to the weekend. The holidays are upon us and these are the times that we remember as we grow. I am hoping that my children remember our first holiday in our new home. While in so many ways this all feels like new beginnings, I have to remind myself that the beginnings began several years ago.
I was in Australia, having coffee in "The Rocks" section of Sydney and was watching a man push a stroller through the street. I realized that my desire to have children was stronger than I had been admitting. I was in a relationship with a man who consistently said he didn't want to have children. I flew home and told him that I was having children - with him or without him. I didn't want him to have children with me just to save the relationship, but after much learning and research on the process, he stated that he wanted to go on this journey with me.
After much process, work, money, stress and focus we adopted an amazing boy from Moldova and had a beautiful daughter through surrogacy. (Their individual stories deserve much more detail than a few sentences in a blog. I will write about it at some point if there is interest). Having them in my life brought me to a new level of awareness. I started to ask myself some very difficult questions about what I wanted them to know, about my responsibility as a father and what I wanted for them in their lives.
I started a mental list of the lessons I wanted them to know. Don't take a job for the money - do something you have a passion for and the money will follow (besides you don't need as much "stuff" as you think you do.) Value education. Don't stay in a relationship because you feel trapped. But, work really hard at it to make it happen until you get to a point where you realize that it won't be what you need it to be and then get out respectfully and kindly. Don't settle. This is your life. Own it.
Then, I realized that it didn't matter what I told them. They would only take their lead from how I lived my life. I knew I had changes to make and they wouldn't be easy. I negotiated myself out of my job as part of the senior management team at IBM and went back to graduate school to become a clinical social worker. I gave up the big salary to do something I was passionate about. My children got to see me go to school and work hard. They saw me graduate and celebrate my accomplishments. I have become a true life long learner. I am now in Italian class.
I also realized that my marriage was not working. I tried everything I knew to make it better but when I realized that it would not get better, I told my ex husband that we needed to separate. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I gave up the security, big house, extended family. My lifestyle is much more conservative than it has been in the last twenty years. My home is not what I was used to. It was painful and there were times that I didn't think I was going to make it through -- but I did. I gained so much. My kids are doing great and know that both of their parents love them. My ex husband and I now live less than a mile apart. I am starting to get my share of terre firma. My sense of independence, self reliance and hope for a brighter future remind me everyday that even though there are difficult moments after all this transition, I made the right choices and I am headed somewhere...and so are my kids.
I was in Australia, having coffee in "The Rocks" section of Sydney and was watching a man push a stroller through the street. I realized that my desire to have children was stronger than I had been admitting. I was in a relationship with a man who consistently said he didn't want to have children. I flew home and told him that I was having children - with him or without him. I didn't want him to have children with me just to save the relationship, but after much learning and research on the process, he stated that he wanted to go on this journey with me.
After much process, work, money, stress and focus we adopted an amazing boy from Moldova and had a beautiful daughter through surrogacy. (Their individual stories deserve much more detail than a few sentences in a blog. I will write about it at some point if there is interest). Having them in my life brought me to a new level of awareness. I started to ask myself some very difficult questions about what I wanted them to know, about my responsibility as a father and what I wanted for them in their lives.
I started a mental list of the lessons I wanted them to know. Don't take a job for the money - do something you have a passion for and the money will follow (besides you don't need as much "stuff" as you think you do.) Value education. Don't stay in a relationship because you feel trapped. But, work really hard at it to make it happen until you get to a point where you realize that it won't be what you need it to be and then get out respectfully and kindly. Don't settle. This is your life. Own it.
Then, I realized that it didn't matter what I told them. They would only take their lead from how I lived my life. I knew I had changes to make and they wouldn't be easy. I negotiated myself out of my job as part of the senior management team at IBM and went back to graduate school to become a clinical social worker. I gave up the big salary to do something I was passionate about. My children got to see me go to school and work hard. They saw me graduate and celebrate my accomplishments. I have become a true life long learner. I am now in Italian class.
I also realized that my marriage was not working. I tried everything I knew to make it better but when I realized that it would not get better, I told my ex husband that we needed to separate. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I gave up the security, big house, extended family. My lifestyle is much more conservative than it has been in the last twenty years. My home is not what I was used to. It was painful and there were times that I didn't think I was going to make it through -- but I did. I gained so much. My kids are doing great and know that both of their parents love them. My ex husband and I now live less than a mile apart. I am starting to get my share of terre firma. My sense of independence, self reliance and hope for a brighter future remind me everyday that even though there are difficult moments after all this transition, I made the right choices and I am headed somewhere...and so are my kids.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Beginning New Holiday Traditions.
This is the first year that I am completely on my own with the children for the holidays. It is a dramatic turn of events and signals the reality of my divorce. I am thankful that my wonderful and loving friend Shirley has invited us to her Thanksgiving table. Not only will we be surrounded by love and graciousness, but some damned good cooking as well! (If you have never had the pleasure of eating Shirley's cooking, well then...I am sorry for you!) It reminds me that in the midst of all the loss and sadness of the past two years, there is much to be thankful for. This is not the place that I expected to be, but now that I am here, it is working out.
Christmas was more worrisome for me. My ex husband has a large and loving Italian family (of which I have been removed from...). I am thankful that my children have such a great system of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and more to show them how wonderful, loud, tasty and committed family can be. However, the children are spending Christmas Day with me. I was worried that the children would feel sad that they will not be participating in the big Italian Christmas Day. I can not offer what my ex husband can in the way of a large extended family. However, my "family" or "love family" as my son describes it, has equal importance. Often more because I feel my love family is not with me due to a blood tie, but because they really do care about me and my children. Regardless of what happens this holiday season, I am thankful for this new holiday beginning and the love of my love family.
Christmas was more worrisome for me. My ex husband has a large and loving Italian family (of which I have been removed from...). I am thankful that my children have such a great system of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and more to show them how wonderful, loud, tasty and committed family can be. However, the children are spending Christmas Day with me. I was worried that the children would feel sad that they will not be participating in the big Italian Christmas Day. I can not offer what my ex husband can in the way of a large extended family. However, my "family" or "love family" as my son describes it, has equal importance. Often more because I feel my love family is not with me due to a blood tie, but because they really do care about me and my children. Regardless of what happens this holiday season, I am thankful for this new holiday beginning and the love of my love family.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Getting Out
Tonight I went to a great little restaurant in East Boston called D'Parma with my good friend Matt. If you are anywhere near...GO! The food was magnificent! This little hole in the wall does not have a licquor license so there is always a table, but if you want good eats at good prices - this is a little gem that I am happy Matt introduced me to! (This was a great little prep course for our Italian class)
So, now I am home and watching the Florence Henderson Show on Retirement Living TV. Where is the plan? Gotta get a plan!
So, now I am home and watching the Florence Henderson Show on Retirement Living TV. Where is the plan? Gotta get a plan!
Some beginnings are over!
So, here I am thinking how much I love being a Dad. Working with people trying to become a parent. How much I love my kids and all I could think about was how happy I was now that I am off the baby making train! It is a process that while going through it, I would never want to go through it again. The stress and anxiety...the expense and lack of control...my age!
So, while the beginning of new life is not happening in my family for a while (thank goodness!), I am excited that the other new beginnings that are happening in my house. The kids are doing well and developing into people that I really like (which was a concern of mine!). And I am starting to develop into someone that I really like as well. For the first time in my life (that I can remember) I feel truly powerful. Not in the evil meglomaniac kind of way (although some of you may disagree...) but in the I can do anything kind of way. There were periods in my life when this feeling would come and go...and it is starting to become more consistent. I like this sense of being on a road to somewhere. I guess this happens when you are spending your time, money and energy trying to create a family...you get to grow a family. Nice.
So, while the beginning of new life is not happening in my family for a while (thank goodness!), I am excited that the other new beginnings that are happening in my house. The kids are doing well and developing into people that I really like (which was a concern of mine!). And I am starting to develop into someone that I really like as well. For the first time in my life (that I can remember) I feel truly powerful. Not in the evil meglomaniac kind of way (although some of you may disagree...) but in the I can do anything kind of way. There were periods in my life when this feeling would come and go...and it is starting to become more consistent. I like this sense of being on a road to somewhere. I guess this happens when you are spending your time, money and energy trying to create a family...you get to grow a family. Nice.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Beginnings....so many choices!
I know that new beginnings are full of hope and promise. They are also full of anxiety and stress! This whole being single thing has so many benefits. No one tells me what to do in my own house, I have total control of my decisions and am accountable to no one. I can do anything and be anything that I want. (To that end, I have just registered for Italian lessons. I think, in part, because I have this crazy fantasy that I will be an amazing Italian pastry chef or marry a hot and hunky Italian brick layer...either one sounds fine to me!).
With that said, I haven't been single for a long time and am not sure what to do with myself! The other night was spent doing four loads of laundry and 2.5 hours of ironing (of course I was watching the Tudors and that made it all better!). When I went to work the next day, one of my coworkers was sharing how she and her new husband were going out for drinks and dinner. She asked me what I was going to do....My response? In all seriousness, and without thinking, I stated: "Well...I did all the laundry and ironing last night...Maybe tonight I will vacuum." Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Man, I may need some help with this single man thing!
With that said, I haven't been single for a long time and am not sure what to do with myself! The other night was spent doing four loads of laundry and 2.5 hours of ironing (of course I was watching the Tudors and that made it all better!). When I went to work the next day, one of my coworkers was sharing how she and her new husband were going out for drinks and dinner. She asked me what I was going to do....My response? In all seriousness, and without thinking, I stated: "Well...I did all the laundry and ironing last night...Maybe tonight I will vacuum." Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Man, I may need some help with this single man thing!
A New Beginning
One of the things I love about my life is my job. While it has its challenges, it is work that I feel is important and adds to the world. I work as a clinical social worker in surrogacy. Today I got to call one of our intended parents to tell him that his daughter is being born. I was at once filled with excitement and happiness and worry (as he had to figure out how to get there from far away...).
I remember that feeling. Knowing that my daughter was being born and how all consuming that is. Like the day I was told that there was a boy waiting for me to go adopt him. Two days I will have etched in my brain and heart forever. Today, I did something that someone else will never forget. Amazing!
I remember that feeling. Knowing that my daughter was being born and how all consuming that is. Like the day I was told that there was a boy waiting for me to go adopt him. Two days I will have etched in my brain and heart forever. Today, I did something that someone else will never forget. Amazing!
Beginning A New
OK...starting Monkey Stew
I always wanted a blog. I am not sure why but I think it is because I have these fantasies about being a grand writer...or maybe because I just saw Julie and Julia and think that my life will inspire some great film vehicle (I hope Hugh Jackman plays me!).
Not sure what the blog will focus on yet, but will let it grow organically over time. Right now, I am just a recently divorced, gay man with two kids trying to figure it all out...living in Monkey Stew.
I always wanted a blog. I am not sure why but I think it is because I have these fantasies about being a grand writer...or maybe because I just saw Julie and Julia and think that my life will inspire some great film vehicle (I hope Hugh Jackman plays me!).
Not sure what the blog will focus on yet, but will let it grow organically over time. Right now, I am just a recently divorced, gay man with two kids trying to figure it all out...living in Monkey Stew.
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