The day has come

The transition that I have been dreading has finally come.  Ava, the nanny that has been with us since Olivia was born is working her last week.  She is off to find a new family.  Olivia, contrary to what she believes, is off to kindergarten.  I am such a mix of emotions.

I am proud that Olivia has grown into such a capable and loving child.  However, Ava has become one of our family.  She has always been there.  She did as much raising and tending as I have...and sometimes more.  She is the one that got our kids through the mess of divorce by providing strong consistency, managing the disparity that caring for children of divorce brings.  She played neutral and allowed our children to be neutral during tough times.  She taught Olivia everything she needed to know to make this big step.  She showed Michael a tender, loving and forgiving sense of guidance when he needed it.  She was a tremendous back up for me when I needed another set of hands, a diversion, or a new perspective on what has been the reality for my kids.

We are all devastated that this time has come.  Ava...if you read this, know that you are loved.  You will always be a part of our family.  We will never forget you because we will carry you with us always.  You have changed each and every one of us.  We love you.

My newest published work!

I am so excited!  I got an email from the publisher and author of the book that I just contributed a chapter to regarding egg donation and the GLBT community.  This is obviously something that I feel quite passionate about and have much to say.  They responded that they loved my chapter and felt that it needed very little editing.  The comment that I loved the most was "You are a writers dream.  Our hero.  Amazing.  Hats off.  We'll be sending you the "rough" finalized version for approval once we've done our additions and a few tweaks. We love you. Seriously.  No, seriously..."  Now, I know this sounds like gloating (it is on many levels) but it made me feel so good that I wanted to share!  This will be my third published work!!  Yay!!!!


I can't wait for the book to hit the shelves!  

It feels different

Having passed the LICSW exam feels different.  I feel accomplished.  I feel like I have true credibility. I know that must sound a tad crazy because I am doing the same work with the same people, but passing that test really means something to me.  I am proud of myself. 

But...and there is always a but....

I am already starting think about what big brick wall I will bang my head against next.  What is my next big challenge.  I wish I could just enjoy the moment...the stress free existence.  But my brain works overtime.  What is my next accomplishment.  How will I challenge myself now?  I am so afraid of slipping into a rut.  I need to learn to just be in these times.  It just isn't in my nature....

A Feeling of Accomplishment

Well...I did it!  I gathered up all of my emotional strength and worked through all of the anxiety...and took AND passed my LICSW exam.  The buildup was terrifying, soul rattling and, safe to say, a bit obnoxious to all those around me.  In hindsight, I was overprepared, wholly capable and my own worst enemy. 

For weeks -- years actually -- before I took the exam, this was the goal.  I left my good job in big business to be a clinician.  An LICSW.  To do work that was really important to me.  When I went back to grad school, I knew that this day would come and I couldn't wait for it.  However, as the day started to loom, I started getting test anxiety, self-doubt and buckets - o - stress.  I was beginning to become fixated on whether or not I was going to be good enough to take the exam.

Yesterday morning, I went to the testing center at my appointed time, only to be told that the test would need to be rescheduled because the testing center wasn't able to load my exam in the appropriate time slot.  I lost my mind.  After walking out of the test center and venting...I marched back in and advocated for myself stating that I needed to take the test today.  The thought of having to ready my psyche again...and keep studying to keep the edge just wouldn't work for me.  They allowed me to test and I did really well.  Better than I thought I would. 

Now I feel accomplished.  I have reached the goal that I have envisioned for more than five years.  I have lots of options now.  I can continue to build my career of choice.  However, that isn't why I feel truly accomplished.  The real reason is that when I had children, a few of the lessons I wanted to teach my children is to have a career that you are passionate about, that the money will come when you do, always value education and believe in you.  Showing my children that I was nervous and scared, that I could work through the anxiety, that studying brings good things to you, that staying on course and working hard through difficult challenges will bring you big rewards and that I put my words into action -- these are important things.  That Michael told me he was proud of me -- that is why I feel accomplished.  My son is proud of me.  There is nothing higher.

A peaceful day

So, I am sitting at Joe's.  He just made a great chicken marsala dinner.  He is cleaning up afterward while I relax.  We had interesting chit chat (nothing too heavy, but with a sense of connection).  I have control of the remote (until he comes in and randomly starts changing channels).  The kids are having a good day.  I accomplished important work today (although it was crazy and insane and shouldn't have happened in the first place, but managed well just the same.)

A simple day full of good accomplishments and satisfaction.  Not too much to ask for...and so gratefully appreciated. 

Building confidence

So, it is Sunday night...the last night of my vacation with Joe and the kids.  In some ways, I am so tired from the sun, the running around, the late nights.  It is a good kind of tired because we had a terrific week and lots of fun.  But I am also emotionally tired because I am thinking of what is ahead of me.

Returning to work feels like a chore.  For the first time, I am really anxious about what is in store for me when I walk back into the office.  I have spent a good portion of today emotionally preparing myself for the return to work and the craziness that abounds.  I still love the work, but the ancillary craziness is a bit much.  I took a mental health break this evening to get perspective.  I looked back at where I was a few months ago what was different now. 

I have been studying for my exam and now feel confident that I will pass it. I have been asked to write a chapter in a book about GLBT parenting through assisted reproduction.  I am secure in my relationship.  My kids are thriving.  Sometimes just taking measure of what is really important and feeling confident in your journey is enough to get by.  Now, let's just see how much of this I can retain when I sit at my desk and open my email tomorrow!

Feeling accomplished

Today was a day of accomplishments.  Of course, never everything that I wanted to accomplish, but overall a good day of accomplishment.

I ran 6 miles today and felt great.  I took a practice exam and scored very high.  I have been asked to write a chapter in a book regarding assisted reproduction and I have it about a third complete. I had good time with Olivia.  Michael is feeling mature because he has had a ton of freedom this week (Thanks to Jared helping!) And of course...there is Joe.  Such a welcomed addition to our family.  He gets family...and we get him.  I am loving my little family!

There isn't a lot to say today other than I am tired...and it feels good. I like this kind of tired.