Final Friday

Today is my final day at the agency.  I am moving on.  I am now solely responsible for my income with no safety nets.  It is all me.  I waiver between excitement, joy, inspiration, fear, worry and anxiety.  I must be successful because failure is just not an option for me.  I worry about having enough money to support my family, feed the kids, pay the rent, etc...but I also can't imagine sinking to that level of desperation. I have always thrown myself into really crazy situations that require me to make bold decisions to be successful and I haven't failed yet.  I can't imagine that this is the time that it happens...but it is scary just the same.

So...I have decided to stay in the moment and enjoy the transition.  Today, I say goodbye to working with an amazing group of people that have made this experience memorable, a terrific education and full of laughs.  They are throwing me a going away party on the office deck tonight and I plan to focusing on how delicious my hamburger is going to be.  There is plenty of time tomorrow to worry about everything else.  Oh...and if you know anyone that needs a great therapist...give them my number!

Thinking ahead

It is always at these crossroads that everything seems to come to a head.  A change in career always means that everything else gains perspective.  Why is it that I start to question everything?  I think it is akin to home renovation.  It goes something like this:

You redo the living room and you love it.  Then you look at the dining room (which you previously thought was spectacular) and think it pales in comparison to the new living room, you need new carpeting and lighting in there.  Then the kitchen clearly needs a new backsplash.  The treads on the stairs to the second floor are looking worn and when was the last time we had a new shower curtain?  We might as well get some new towels and floor mats...just spruce things up a bit...you know?  And, before you know it....scope creep.  The simple little living room project has now taken over your whole home.

I think the changes that I am going through are slowly taking me into the dining room, kitchen and we are headed up the stairs....  It seems that I am now looking at every aspect of my life and seeing if it is good enough to support all of the change I have already set in motion.  What else needs to change?  I might as well do it all now!

It is a bit (ok...more than a bit) exhausting and overwhelming...and scary.  My friend Sandy was talking about how I completely reinvent myself once a decade.  I don't think think that is the case here...I think these are more necessary changes than reinvention...but if feels the same.  I think I will grab a coffee as I swing by the new backsplash en route to the second floor...

A life's lesson

Nineteen years ago this week, I had an experience with someone that changed my life forever.  A co-worker and social friend (you know, the kind of guy that you hang out with socially but isn't that "tell me your deep and dark secrets" kind of friend) was having a tough day at work.  I asked him what was going on.  He had just broken up with his boyfriend and I thought that I would get some I miss him, that bastard type of response.  I didn't.

He told me that he was going for the results of his HIV test and he was nervous.  Without thinking, I asked him who was going with him and there was no one.  So I offered to go.  An hour later, we were sitting in a small room when he was told that his life was now going to be different.  I didn't say anything.  I didn't know what to say or what to do.  He simply imploded and let out a wail that was pure pain and agony.  For thirty minutes no one said anything.  He doubled over and I rubbed his back.

When he could finally get up and walk again, I drove him home and spent the night.  We spent most of the night talking.  He talked about how the next day would be Mother's Day and he couldn't imagine telling his mother.  I told him that it is a parent's right to cry and grieve with their children.  A parent has the right to feel pain and suffering when their children suffer.  He bought an airline ticket and flew home to tell his mother.  She was devastated.  They cried together.  They learned to live again.

Today, all these years later, this friend is a bright, brilliant, successful, well-adjusted, happy, engaging and healthy man that is living life to the fullest.  This experience changed me profoundly.  All these years later I am convinced that he gave me a special gift that night.  Living through that experience made me safer, wiser and more human.  Since that time, I have gone with several friends as they got their positive HIV results.  It is never easy.  It is always human.  BV....thank you for the gifts you have given me.  

Feedback can be humbling

It was announced yesterday to all of my clients that I am leaving the agency and moving on to my private practice.  I thought of this announcement more as a formality as most of the people that received the message have been moved onto other co-workers many months ago.  Boy, was I surprised!

My inbox has been exploding since the announcement went public.  I am humbly touched by the outpouring of affection and sentiment that has been sent my way.  So many people have written to me to discuss the role I played in changing their lives, supporting their dreams and how my use of self has touched them.  I truly don't know what to say.  I was just being me and doing what I do.

This work has always been important to me.  I valued every day and every client I came in contact with.  Even the difficult times and dreadful situations were meaningful.  I would have stayed longer had the political climate been different, but instead I have been motivated to move to a new and challenging adventure.

As my private practice begins to develop, I know there will be times that I will be at sea and will need to figure out how to work in a new way.  However, I trust my instinct and have never been afraid of jumping off a cliff to see how far the bottom is.  I will be successful because failure is not an option...and because I care about the clients I see in my therapy room.  Their success is my success.  Being reminded of that in the past several hours only serves to encourage me to jump more frequently.  

Spring has sprung...everywhere!

There is something about this time of year that makes me feel amazingly alive.  This year, more than any other year, I am walking around with a heightened sensibility.  There is so much new growth in the air that I am just tingling!

I am closing out my last few days in my job and getting ready to explode into my own private practice.  It is extremely scary and exciting at the same time.  I am giving up the security of a salary, but along with that I am also giving up the lack of control and freedom that comes from working to put money in someone else's pockets.  I am worried that my kids will suffer this summer while I struggle to build a thriving practice, but it will also be a good life lesson about what is important and how to live simply.  I am thrilled to be in charge of my own success and failure with no one to catch me...but me.

The kids are changing in front of me.  Michael is getting ready for his transition to middle school.  He doesn't even look like the same kid that was in my house this summer.  He has physically matured, is as tall as I am and has adult conversations with me (which totally freak me out by the way.)  Olivia is so damned independent now that I am not required to watch her every move.  She loves it but I don't know how to let my littlest grow.   Joe continues to grow into a stronger and more meaningful partner.  It is amazing that I feel such balance with him and there is so little stress.  Boy, when you find a good one...you just know it!

...and for those that were tracking my marathon adventure...Well, it just wasn't my day.  The weather was a freakish 91 degrees.  People were dropping at mile 2.  I made it to mile 15 and started to feel heat exhaustion so I quit. I was not upset, although I would have loved to cross the finish line.  Last year's winner from Kenya only made it two miles more than I did, so I shouldn't feel so bad.   The good news?  We raised $1M for cancer research and treatment.  So, I guess I crossed that finish line after all.