A new kind of weekend

This weekend was an interesting new take on things.  No kids.  No schedule.  No pressure. Joe and I spent the majority of the weekend lazing and moseying around doing whatever was our fancy at the moment.  We saw a little community theater (A great production of Hairspray); some shopping (gotta love new white linen pants) and some good eating (with "The Girls" at Lam's after a great brunch at Thornton's!).   In the midst of this, all beds got clean linen, all laundry got done and ironing is complete.  Bathroom is immaculately cleaned (gotta love that guy!) and I worked out everyday with strong runs.

I think I like this new kind of weekend (although I missed the kidlings!)  I want more more of them!

Choices...and we all make them

So, it seems that lately anxiety and stress have been creeping back in.  Friends in crisis.  Exam stress.  Deepening relationships.  Oh yeah...let's not forget about parenting and work.

As a result, I have been letting anxiety manage my behavior and haven't been making the most rational of choices.  Yesterday, in particular, was a high anxiety/high stress day.  I let it cloud my thinking and made choices that should have, in reflection, been different.  Of course, once all of that comes to light, the natural reaction is embarrassment, a touch of shame, a slight loss of dignity, etc.

Today is a day of perspective.  Reassessing.  Learning from the missteps of yesterday.  That is how I behaved in the moment.  Today I will be better.  This being human thing really sucks sometimes.  

Be Uncomfortable

Last Sunday I completed my first organized run.  I did the Worcester Memorial 6K in memory of the six firefighters that lost their lives in the tragic Worcester fires eleven years ago.  While I have to admit, I did walk a small portion of it, I completed the race in 35:30 or roughly managing 9:30 minute miles.  I felt great about it.  Granted my muscles were sore all week from not stretching (my own error), but I felt accomplished.

Last night I went to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) awards dinner.  Joe was the host/emcee.  Listening to the stories of award winners, personal accomplishments and amazing research that is being done nearly brought me to tears on more than one occasion.  I left feeling reinvigorated, renewed and recharged to go put my running shoes on and hit the pavement.  This is why I will be running the Boston in April.

I hate when people ask me for money to support them in their charities.  It is not that I am cheap or don't want to give, but that I live on a tight budget and I hate to say no.  But, I must from time to time.  I wish I could give to every charity.  I can't.  Which one is the right one?  Which one is more deserving of my shekels?

That being said, I am training and training hard.  I have changed my diet.  I have started running...and as a non-runner, that is big!  (For you non-runners, I know you have an appreciation!)  I plan on running all winter.  In the snow.  In the ice.  In the wind.  In the cold.  Uphill.  Downhill.  And I plan on asking you all for money. Money that will help children with blood cancers.  Money that will keep fathers and mothers alive long enough to dance at their children's weddings.  Money that you are going to spend on ice coffee or a bagel or that funny little refrigerator magnet.  If I can run, you can support!  Give until it feels like good.   Be prepared.  I am going to ask.  Not today.  Not tomorrow...but soon.

I have been told to be comfortable with being uncomfortable as I train for the marathon.  I am okay being uncomfortable.  Be uncomfortable with me.

P.S.  I went running after work in the misty rain.  I didn't stretch enough.  My legs felt like tree trunks.  Michael totally shamed me.  I did about 3 miles with some hills.  Truthfully, I made it up the big hill but it killed me and I had to walk a bit after, but I did the distance.    I can't imagine doing this 9 times consecutively. 

Being good enough

I have always struggled with the concept of being good enough.  In high school, I was never in the "in crowd"...in fact, I wasn't in any crowd.  I have always struggled with being smart enough, thin enough, focused enough, secure enough, worthy enough.  I have been able to make improvements as I aged to be feel better about myself but every once in a while, those old feelings of "who do you think you are?" come back.  I have always wanted my children to be free of those feelings.

Today I had an interesting interaction with Michael.  He was extremely angry with me because I wouldn't let him do what he wanted to do.  We talked about how he hadn't met his responsibilities and accomplished what he needed to accomplish for the day.  Now, clearly some of that was parental expectation and limit setting -- which is perfectly normal and acceptable.  However, I struggled with how to do that while teaching a firm lesson and not breaking or shaming him.  It was an extremely difficult conversation.  One that Michael didn't seem to be getting.  He kept repeating how unhappy he was and how unfair I was being.  He discussed his unworthiness and lack of knowledge and ability.  It struck me right to the core.  I assured him that I thought he was perfectly capable of doing what needed to be done and that I loved him for who he is.  I told him that I knew he would make me proud, but would he feel proud of himself if he continued doing what he was doing?  He reiterated that he couldn't accomplish the goals that I had set out for him.

Fifteen minutes later I got a call from Michael.  (This was call #4 in an hour.)  He calmly told me how he had solved a difficult math problem that he had been working on all week.  He calmly told me that he was moving onto his next task and was excited to see me tonight. 

Parenting moment for the day.  Check.  Proud Dad.  Check.  More importantly -- a son with a stronger sense of self.  CHECK!

My next big challenge

My next big challenge is facing me squarely on.  It is one that I knew was coming, one that I tried to emotionally prepare for but now that the reality of it is here...I am stymied and trying to overcome. I am trying to study, take and pass my highest level licensing exam.  I am feeling incompetent, uneducated and unprepared. 

I know I have the ability to learn what I need, but I also have major test anxiety.  The exam covers every aspect of my profession from basic knowledge to direct application of methodology and treatment plans.  I have been working in such a niche market for so long that I haven't focused on so many basic aspects of mental health.  I have never worked in geriatrics, dealth with psychopharm, created a discharge plan, etc. 

To make this happen, I have started taking practice tests, studying, doing lots of deep breathing...

Will I pass.  Yes.  Will I have major anxiety until I do?  Yes.  These are the challenges that make us who we are.  Not always life threatening, but personal challenges that tell us that we can be more than we thought we were.