One of my greatest conundrums during the divorce was my name. When we adopted Michael, he came home under my last name because I adopted him as a single parent. When we got married, we hyphenated our names. When we did the second parent adoption, we hyphenated his name. However with both of us having really long names, we decided that it would be easier for all of us to go by one name only. After much grueling and agonizing discussion, we opted to drop my last name. When Olivia was born, even though she is my biological child, she has my ex’s last name.
During the divorce proceeding, I had great anxiety about going back to my last name. I knew that I didn’t want to keep my ex’s last name, but I didn’t want to have a name that I didn’t share with my children. Fearful that I would be messing with their sense of identity and making the divorce even harder for them, I didn’t fight the name issue during the divorce proceeding. I took my name back and suffered silently that I felt this large difference with my children.
Michael, however, has taken it upon himself to rectify the situation. He has started hyphenating his name again. I did not encourage, motivate or instigate this behavior. He did it entirely on his own. Last night he told me that he wanted to have his full name back. That he wanted to use both names. The conversation came a bit out of the blue, but he told me that he had this discussion with my ex who quite flatly told him “No” and that he was to use his existing name. Michael asked me to call my ex to see if I could get him to understand.
This puts me in a tough situation. I have a pretty tenuous peace with my ex and I don’t want to break the thin supports that we have…I have worked too hard to achieve them. However, my son is asking for something that I think is critically important and that I fully support. This is one of those parenting moments that I feel no matter what choice I make, I put myself in the firing line. What do I do?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
You are every bit as much his dad no matter how he signs his name. I don't share a last name with any of my kids. I kept my maiden name...they all have their dad's name (Sammi has her dad's name too). Changing his name won't make him any MORE yours. Your bond is through your love for one another...not your name.
ReplyDeleteI know, but it is not how I see it...it is how he sees his identity and sense of self. Remember, this is a child that started life in an Eastern European orphanage. Connection for him is CRITICAL.
ReplyDeleteDoes he grasp the concept of the legal change? If not, I say have him use and sign his name however he wants. Once he is mature enough to grasp the concept, let him choose to take the legal option or leave it as is.
ReplyDelete