So I realize that I have been writing this blog for more than a year.  I actually never thought it would last more than a week or two if we are being honest.  But here I am, still putting my mind's wanderings for everyone in the world to read, judge, be entertained (or bored) by.  I often wonder who reads these random musings.

Every once in a while someone will leave a comment, or send me an email.  The most surprising was an email from my mother.  The most thought provoking was when an anonymous reader commented (and reflected back to me) my own behavior.  While I may not always agree with the reactions of the reader, they are not my reactions.  But, I certainly like to know them.

I started this blog to help me sort out the narrative I always have running in my head.  It was by me and for me.  Now that I have readers, I wonder what they get out of it.  Maybe they are also trying to figure out that insane narrative in my head.  

The best way to really learn about who you are...is for your kids to tell you.  Unfortunately, they usually tell you in ways that aren't always the easiest to hear.  I have been trying lately to really parent my kids in the way they need to be parented rather than in the way that I want to parent them.  This is no easy task my friends!

My kids tell me that I am ruining their lives, that I don't listen, that I talk over them, that I am quick to react, that I push too hard.  (For the record, these are all the things I say about them as well...)  I am trying to slow down, take things in the moment without planning too far in advance, letting go of the things that really aren't that important, and trying not to hold on so tight (which is the hardest of all.)

I can't tell if it is that I am fearful of what will happen if I let go or if I am just terrified that I no longer have any babies and my role is less important in the immediate moment.  What happens to me when my children don't need me and my constant vigilance every minute of the day?  Have I outlived my usefulness?  Of course, reading this, I know it all sounds a bit crazy, but that is raw emotion that I get sometimes.  I waffle between being too strict and too lax.  Neither feels good and I can't seem to get the right middle of the road to go down. I tell myself that "some day they will thank me!"  (They will...right?)  

This will come back to you....

There comes a time when you can tell that something has clicked in someone's head.  The lightbulb is there. The facial recognition is there.  It is an amazing thing to see.

This happened this morning.  Michael woke up in an particularly agitated mood.  He just couldn't seem to remember house rules and as such, was "reminded" gently.  However, his reaction wasn't so gentle and he found himself on the losing side of an argument with Big Daddy.  (Which of course he blamed me for as he screamed at me from his room after calling me a "loser" and told me that it didn't matter because later in the week he was going with Little Dad.  Hmmph.)  Ultimately, when he finally calmed down he felt the need to tell me that I was being a bit harsh.

Here is my philosophy.  He lives in my house, by my rules.  It is not a discussion.  I explained this to him.  I asked him how many times he had heard me remind him about the rules in the past.  He wanted to come out of his room and I told him that I wasn't ready yet.  He sat in his doorway and said that he understood why he was in trouble and was able to articulate every misstep and faulty choice.  It is the first time that he has been able to do that.  He then stated that the problem is that he needs to practice making better decisions in dealing with his anger and frustration.  We discussed what some of those options were.

Result?  Punishment stands.  I got a hug and he told me he loved me.  I tackled him.  Hugged him, told him that I loved him and made him a promise that I would relive this with him when he had his kids.  

When you google yourself...

you find the most amazing things.  You know what I mean...you have all done it (and those that haven't are lying...that actually sounds like something else...)

So I googled myself, as I am inclined to do from time to time to ensure there is nothing about my in stratosphere that I should be concerned about.  I found a few things that were interesting.

1.  I was quoted in a book that I was unaware about.  Knitting into the Mystery: A guide to the shawl-knitting ministry, used a quote from me from another piece that I had published.  I was always excited to say that I had published, but now I am quoted!  Yee Haw!

2.  There is nothing available that would stop me from running for President.  Not that I am running or that the material doesn't exist...it just didn't come up on a standard google search.

3.  None of my really fat pictures showed up.  Whew!

Now...go google yourself.  You know you want to.  No judgments from me!