Christmas time has come and gone. Maybe not for everyone but for me. This year Christmas seemed like such a chore. I tried so hard to be in the Christmas spirit every day. Don’t get me wrong…there were times when it felt really great…shopping, opening presents with the kids (especially seeing Olivia’s reaction to her first big girl bike.) However, by 11:00 am on Boxing Day, all of my ornaments were boxed up and back in storage and my tree was sadly laying in the gutter like an elf that just got his Christmas bonus.
There was something gratifying about managing Christmas for me and the kids by myself. There was something equally satisfying about ending Christmas as quickly as I did. Usually, I hate to take the tree down before sometime in mid January. I want to stretch the holidays as far as I can. I don’t know why, but as soon as the house was restored to normal, my anxiety and stress levels bottomed out. I became more of myself.
I am planning to have a quiet New Year’s Eve. Chinese food at the girls’ house. In bed by 10:00. I think I have had enough of celebration.
Will this mark one of my more joyous holidays? Sadly, no. However, it will be remembered as my first holiday that I managed on my own (for better or worse) and as a sign that life will go on (unless you are sad, gutter laid Balsam) no matter what changes come. All I have to do now is get through the next torturous holiday…Valentine’s Day. Okay 2010…bring it!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
New will
Tuesday night found me sitting at my dining room table with Tressa and my lawyer. (As if I haven’t had enough of lawyers lately…) We were reviewing my new will, health care proxy and power of attorney. I know these things are important because I have children and need to ensure they are protected, but I really don’t own anything anymore. Nothing. Nada. I am not really sure what people think they are going to get. Obviously, I hope these documents are needed for a long time to come, and by that time there is something to dispute, but at this point, it all seems a bit ridiculous. At least now I can sleep comfortably knowing that my lifelong collection of sand will be in the right hands!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Beginning New Family Models
Yesterday Michael asked me an interesting question…if his grandparents (on my ex’s side) were still in my blood family or my love family. Now, you have to understand that I have a family that is made up of choice. One child is biological, one is not. They both have birth parents who are not their parents. They both have at least one parent that is not biologically linked to them. It all gets quite confusing. Early on we came upon the terms blood family, meaning the people who are in family through bloodline or legal process, and love family, meaning those people in our family by choice and commitment.
Now, how do I answer his question? (I know how I would like to answer his question, but I am not sure it would be truthful.) Prior to my divorce, I was exceptionally close to my in-laws. One of the biggest losses I experienced was the loss of that family. I gave my all to the family and had hoped that as my ex and I maneuvered through our divorce that they would have been able to see that the best interest of the children would mean supporting a relationship between all the adults in their lives. Conversely, I understand why they are hurt and distancing themselves from me.
So, this brings me to the question. Michael was talking about my former brother-in-law and niece…both of whom may be planning weddings. Michael asked me if I would be invited to the weddings. I told him that I didn’t think so, because of the divorce I was no longer a big part of that family. The kids got upset (OK…I probably could and should have handled that better!) It was just one of those moments that reminded me of the loss I incurred through divorce.
Shortly after that Tressa called. Tressa is one of the core members of the love family. One of those people whose family I am in regardless of bloodline or legal contract. In fact, her mother calls me her husband. Tressa and her wife, Miri, never miss a step. They check in on me, share all the family moments with me and always have my back. They keep me honest when I err. They know all the ugly facts that I hide from the world. They have no contract or bloodline. They only have commitment and love for me and my children and allow us to love them back.
So Michael and Olivia, the answer is no. I don’t think I will be invited to the weddings because I am no longer considered part of the family. The contract was broken and that was enough to sever the family. While I had always hoped that blood family and love family would be one and the same…I will take love family any day.
Now, how do I answer his question? (I know how I would like to answer his question, but I am not sure it would be truthful.) Prior to my divorce, I was exceptionally close to my in-laws. One of the biggest losses I experienced was the loss of that family. I gave my all to the family and had hoped that as my ex and I maneuvered through our divorce that they would have been able to see that the best interest of the children would mean supporting a relationship between all the adults in their lives. Conversely, I understand why they are hurt and distancing themselves from me.
So, this brings me to the question. Michael was talking about my former brother-in-law and niece…both of whom may be planning weddings. Michael asked me if I would be invited to the weddings. I told him that I didn’t think so, because of the divorce I was no longer a big part of that family. The kids got upset (OK…I probably could and should have handled that better!) It was just one of those moments that reminded me of the loss I incurred through divorce.
Shortly after that Tressa called. Tressa is one of the core members of the love family. One of those people whose family I am in regardless of bloodline or legal contract. In fact, her mother calls me her husband. Tressa and her wife, Miri, never miss a step. They check in on me, share all the family moments with me and always have my back. They keep me honest when I err. They know all the ugly facts that I hide from the world. They have no contract or bloodline. They only have commitment and love for me and my children and allow us to love them back.
So Michael and Olivia, the answer is no. I don’t think I will be invited to the weddings because I am no longer considered part of the family. The contract was broken and that was enough to sever the family. While I had always hoped that blood family and love family would be one and the same…I will take love family any day.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Past Beginnings
So lately I have been focused on all of the new beginnings that have been part of this stage of my life. I have been wrapped up in how much my life has changed, how to manage the change, what the change will do with my life and how not to get derailed as I try to move forward.
Today, I was reminded of an old beginning. I had a phone call with Paula – one of the few friends I had in high school. We reconnected recently but today was the first time we spoke in more than 25 years. It was amazing to hear her voice and talk about how 25 years gives you as much as it costs you. It was a good reminder that even though I am a quarter century older, can’t maintain my boyish figure the way I want to, and life is far more complicated, I have greater self efficacy, control and options.
I was telling her that as I prepared to move into this new home I found the “Skool Daze” book my mother and I made as I went through my public school years. It was one of those books that had a page for each grade and an envelope for report cards and keepsakes. As I went through it, I had a shocking revelation. I always thought I was a good student – that is until I found my report cards. I was horrified to find out how poor my grades were. It is a wonder I ever got to college at all. I started reflecting on what high school really was like. I was socially awkward, trying to reconcile being gay, and having absolutely no direction. Paula started telling me what it was really like for her in high school. It was comforting to know that much of what I was experiencing socially was not in isolation.
Just recently Wendy, one of my other high school friends that I recently reconnected with, shared some of her experience. Wendy was one of those people who I thought had it all together, did well in school, had direction and was focused. She talked about how high school was confusing and socially challenging.
Both of these women have reminded me of something very important. My beginnings were not as out of the ordinary as I remember them to be. That having those challenges in our early years has made all three of us wiser, more sensitive and open to what we can be. Now I just have to finish figuring out what that is.
P.S. Three days of commitment to the future and doing well!
Today, I was reminded of an old beginning. I had a phone call with Paula – one of the few friends I had in high school. We reconnected recently but today was the first time we spoke in more than 25 years. It was amazing to hear her voice and talk about how 25 years gives you as much as it costs you. It was a good reminder that even though I am a quarter century older, can’t maintain my boyish figure the way I want to, and life is far more complicated, I have greater self efficacy, control and options.
I was telling her that as I prepared to move into this new home I found the “Skool Daze” book my mother and I made as I went through my public school years. It was one of those books that had a page for each grade and an envelope for report cards and keepsakes. As I went through it, I had a shocking revelation. I always thought I was a good student – that is until I found my report cards. I was horrified to find out how poor my grades were. It is a wonder I ever got to college at all. I started reflecting on what high school really was like. I was socially awkward, trying to reconcile being gay, and having absolutely no direction. Paula started telling me what it was really like for her in high school. It was comforting to know that much of what I was experiencing socially was not in isolation.
Just recently Wendy, one of my other high school friends that I recently reconnected with, shared some of her experience. Wendy was one of those people who I thought had it all together, did well in school, had direction and was focused. She talked about how high school was confusing and socially challenging.
Both of these women have reminded me of something very important. My beginnings were not as out of the ordinary as I remember them to be. That having those challenges in our early years has made all three of us wiser, more sensitive and open to what we can be. Now I just have to finish figuring out what that is.
P.S. Three days of commitment to the future and doing well!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Same Old New Beginning
Yesterday at work, I was on a skype call with clients. At one point in the conversation, I stood up and saw myself on the monitor. I was horrified at what I saw. Now, I have mirrors in my house. I have seen myself dressed and naked…and it just didn’t register. I have been letting myself go. Actually, I think I am past the point of letting myself go….I have left the building.
I have gained weight. My skin looked terrible. And, I looked tired. I realized that I was eating my way through all of this transition. I stopped really looking in the mirror. I stopped moving. I sit on my ass all day and then don’t do anything physical at night. I am just not taking care of myself. Today, I begin anew.
I am back to my strict dietary regiment. Nothing white (save cauliflower, milk, yogurt, cheese). No white flour. No white sugar. No red meat. And, a healthy respect for portion control to round it all off. I am going to try to move everyday.
I am too smart to say that this change is going to last a lifetime, but I am committed for today. Tomorrow, I will get up and commit again. I am talking about this here, because I want all of you to be witness. I believe that change is more likely to happen when you make the change public. So, here it is. I am changing. I am going to take better care of myself, eat better and not be afraid of skype anymore.
I have gained weight. My skin looked terrible. And, I looked tired. I realized that I was eating my way through all of this transition. I stopped really looking in the mirror. I stopped moving. I sit on my ass all day and then don’t do anything physical at night. I am just not taking care of myself. Today, I begin anew.
I am back to my strict dietary regiment. Nothing white (save cauliflower, milk, yogurt, cheese). No white flour. No white sugar. No red meat. And, a healthy respect for portion control to round it all off. I am going to try to move everyday.
I am too smart to say that this change is going to last a lifetime, but I am committed for today. Tomorrow, I will get up and commit again. I am talking about this here, because I want all of you to be witness. I believe that change is more likely to happen when you make the change public. So, here it is. I am changing. I am going to take better care of myself, eat better and not be afraid of skype anymore.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
New Beginnings and Remnants of the Journey
There are those days when I think I am getting ahead…really making progress. I went through all of this change because, in part, I believed that if you do what you are passionate about, your life will make itself. This week, I was offered a new position doing something that I am quite excited about. It is the kind of job that makes me feel like the entire struggle was worth it. It has some excellent perks like travel and personal growth potential. It will certainly help me in my role as a single dad as well.
The job is the Director of Community Development. I will be focusing on the entire life cycle of intended parents who are growing their families through gestational surrogacy. Important work. Meaningful work. I can’t wait to get started. (Isn’t that how you should feel about your job?) This is all good, right?
Then, I started to get hit with the reality of my financial situation. My student loans are due. Lots of them. I left the big corporate job (and the big corporate salary) to become a social worker. Three years of graduate school and lots of loans. Granted, this new position will help, but I am a single dad raising two kids in a very affluent community. While I love my community, I live here primarily because my ex owns a home here. I tried to live in another community and it was hellish. Commuting back and forth to school and at night meant the kids lived in the car. I felt like my home was the second home to his primary home. He had the school community, the play dates, the contacts. I needed to be on even footing. Not to compete with him, but to be able to be part of the process.
While I know I could get much more for my money if I chose a different community, having my children connected to their lives when they are with me and thanking me for being able to make their lives happen (yes….they actually thanked me!) is worth the struggle. So, as all the student loans become due, I will consolidate and refinance them…and plan a movie night and sleepover for the tween set this weekend.
The job is the Director of Community Development. I will be focusing on the entire life cycle of intended parents who are growing their families through gestational surrogacy. Important work. Meaningful work. I can’t wait to get started. (Isn’t that how you should feel about your job?) This is all good, right?
Then, I started to get hit with the reality of my financial situation. My student loans are due. Lots of them. I left the big corporate job (and the big corporate salary) to become a social worker. Three years of graduate school and lots of loans. Granted, this new position will help, but I am a single dad raising two kids in a very affluent community. While I love my community, I live here primarily because my ex owns a home here. I tried to live in another community and it was hellish. Commuting back and forth to school and at night meant the kids lived in the car. I felt like my home was the second home to his primary home. He had the school community, the play dates, the contacts. I needed to be on even footing. Not to compete with him, but to be able to be part of the process.
While I know I could get much more for my money if I chose a different community, having my children connected to their lives when they are with me and thanking me for being able to make their lives happen (yes….they actually thanked me!) is worth the struggle. So, as all the student loans become due, I will consolidate and refinance them…and plan a movie night and sleepover for the tween set this weekend.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Beginning to Date
Dating. It is the grown up version of a wedgie with a side of noogie, followed by an Indian sunburn. So I have been trying out this dating thing. My friend Robin and I were talking one night about how to be single. We both agreed that we didn’t want to go “man shopping”. You know…when you look at every man as a possible mate and are always asking yourself if you are missing the next big thing. I want to be open if some great opportunity should come my way, but I am trying to learn how to live singly and date occasionally.
So, the living singly thing is harder than I thought it would be. I am independent and love to be in charge of my life and stuff. However, when I am home alone at the end of the day, I find that I spend all the time in my room, the house is dark and I am starting to become a bit of a hermit. So, this is where the dating comes in. I knew that I needed to get out there. I would like to get married again…sometime in my life, but not anytime soon. I am not ready to give up my freedom or independence just yet. However, it would be nice to have someone that would make me want to look to the future.
So here is the dating record so far. A few dates with really nice guys and ZERO magic. Then, there are the others. I have an initial conversation with someone and they tell me about all of their psychosocial stressors, pre-existing conditions and urgency to run to the altar. I’ll take a noogie and wedgie please.
So, the living singly thing is harder than I thought it would be. I am independent and love to be in charge of my life and stuff. However, when I am home alone at the end of the day, I find that I spend all the time in my room, the house is dark and I am starting to become a bit of a hermit. So, this is where the dating comes in. I knew that I needed to get out there. I would like to get married again…sometime in my life, but not anytime soon. I am not ready to give up my freedom or independence just yet. However, it would be nice to have someone that would make me want to look to the future.
So here is the dating record so far. A few dates with really nice guys and ZERO magic. Then, there are the others. I have an initial conversation with someone and they tell me about all of their psychosocial stressors, pre-existing conditions and urgency to run to the altar. I’ll take a noogie and wedgie please.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Bed Partners
Somewhere in the midst of last night I had a startling reality. I am not the only one sleeping in my bed. It has been a while since I had a regular bed companion so feeling that heavy leg and arm draped over me from behind was a bit shocking. That hot breath on my neck was, well…hot. Then came the punch. That is what I really wasn’t expecting. Not a hard punch, but more of a sleeping, twisting and turning hand flying and oops your face was in the way kind of punch. And I took it without complaint.
Somewhere in the midst of last night, Olivia crawled into my bed. So did Lambie, White Doggie, Baby, Pooh, a plastic Elmo purse and a puzzle. The poor thing has had a cold and couldn’t sleep. She was wheezing, coughing and generally agitated. But, she snuck in as quietly as Cindy Lou-Who on a Christmas Eve and tried to settle down. After the punch, I decided that it was time to switch positions…and I flipped her over and wrapped my arms around her. That simple little act seemed to settle her. I could feel her body start to relax and sank into my belly and fell asleep again.
Of course it is now 3:00 am and I am wide awake, have a killer day ahead of me at work and still have to maintain a high energy level because I know Michael is going to come home with more of that “everyday math” crap that I just can’t understand. (I thought I was taught the “new math” when I was in school…when did that become the “old math”?) I am already exhausted. But I know that I am it. The only one they have to keep us afloat, solve the math problem and take the punch at 3:00 am. Just call me Big Daddy
Somewhere in the midst of last night, Olivia crawled into my bed. So did Lambie, White Doggie, Baby, Pooh, a plastic Elmo purse and a puzzle. The poor thing has had a cold and couldn’t sleep. She was wheezing, coughing and generally agitated. But, she snuck in as quietly as Cindy Lou-Who on a Christmas Eve and tried to settle down. After the punch, I decided that it was time to switch positions…and I flipped her over and wrapped my arms around her. That simple little act seemed to settle her. I could feel her body start to relax and sank into my belly and fell asleep again.
Of course it is now 3:00 am and I am wide awake, have a killer day ahead of me at work and still have to maintain a high energy level because I know Michael is going to come home with more of that “everyday math” crap that I just can’t understand. (I thought I was taught the “new math” when I was in school…when did that become the “old math”?) I am already exhausted. But I know that I am it. The only one they have to keep us afloat, solve the math problem and take the punch at 3:00 am. Just call me Big Daddy
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