The hand of the father...

I had a most powerful dream last night.  In my dream, I was emotionally distraught over the state of my life.  I was depressed and feeling unsupported and in great need.  Out of the blue, my father (who has been dead for 21 years) walked up to me.  Not the Dad that I lost, but a younger and most vitalized Dad.  He asked me how I was doing, and I told him honestly that I was "up and down". He took my hand and walked with me into a building where he was throwing a party.  He was wearing a tuxedo of sorts and looked quite dashing.  He left me in charge and knew that everything would be alright.  His confidence in me and that simple gesture of taking my hand made everything else melt away.  I woke up in a very emotional state.

What is interesting about this dream -- especially for anyone that knew my father -- is that not until the very end before he died, would he have reached out to me in any form.  Only before he died was he able to start building a relationship with me.  By the time of his death, we had what I would call a gratifying relationship. 

I think about him often and believe that my dream was him directly telling me everything was going to be okay...or it was just my mind processing out the many complicated emotions that are my life.  In either situation, knowing that I could hold my father's hand one more time....

Picking my battles

Picking my battles.  This is not always so easy for me, particularly when it comes to my children and my ex husband.  I have been faced with a decision where no answer feels right.  Giving in doesn't feel right, but I certainly understand the desire to do so...and if the situation was reversed, I would want him to do so with kindness.  However, I feel like standing my ground is the right thing to do intellectually, but doesn't feel good either. 

We have come to one of those moments where we both want something and I have the control.  Exercising the control will inevitably have its costs sooner rather than later.  Giving in means giving up an experience that is important to me (and for the children).  I have tried to offer a compromise where I am ending my experience early so that the children can also participate in his plans.  However, that doesn't seem to be a fair compromise for him.  I feel badly about the whole situation and really want everyone to be happy and get along.  That seems to be increasingly more difficult of late. 

I actually think these moments are the worst in the divorce process.  During the actual physical and legal separation, there is an expectation that things will be difficult and antagonistic.  So, here we are.  Three years later and things don't feel any better.  This is some of the sadness I had while we were married that I had hoped would be resolved by the divorce.  I really do care about his feelings and the feelings of his family, but I also have to build a life and foundation for me and the children.  These moments show just how hard those decisions can be and how fragile our working relationship is.  I had just hoped that we would have been able to move to a more agreeable arrangement for the benefit of the children -- and ourselves. 

Meow

I am in Oslo and last night I had a dinner with a colleague.  He is celebrating his 28th anniversary with his husband.  They are really quite the couple.  They fight and argue but when meeting them, everyone can tell what an enmeshed and connected couple they are.  You can tell why they are together and it all makes sense. 

Last night he gave me an ear full about how I need to start living.  It was done with kindness.  However, it really left me with a lot to think about.  Recently I have met a person that wants to date me.  He is genuine, kind, hard working and extremely patient.  He doesn't pressure me in any way and seems to be interested in me for all the right reasons.  Yet, I am hestitant.  My colleague couldn't understand my hesitation.  I couldn't articulate it for him.  Mainly because I don't understand it either. 

I try to live my life boldly...as boldly as possible.  For some reason, this aspect of my life is one where I am skittish and not willing to "jump in".  I tried to articulate it to him.  "I have children and I don't want them to get hurt....I don't have time...dating is not in the budget right now...blah, blah, blah."  He didn't buy any of it.  I am not sure of the real reason I am so hesitant and can't move forward in my personal life with boldness...but I need to figure it out.  After all, I don't want to be crazy cat lady when it is all over.

It Gets Better

I, like so many others, have been horrified by the rash of gay teen suicides. The truth is that this is not a new issue, it just has gotten a lot of media lately.  Why?  I am not sure, but I am glad that it is.  As many of you know there is a video project started by Dan Savage called It Gets Better.  He has been able to get famous and everyday folk to post videos talking about how life gets better after surviving gay childhood.  I urge you to go to YouTube and watch some of the videos.  They are moving and powerful.  And then I urge you to create your own if you have a story to share.  Gay teens and others need to hear that there is another side to the story.  I have created my video and uploaded it.  My link is in the left nav bar of this blog.  While I am sure that it is not in its final form, I wanted to be part of the process.  I will work on the video...give it more details.  But, I didn't want to have to wait until I had the perfect message in the perfect frame.  I felt it was important to get it out there now. 

Being understood

After my divorce, I had a deep and honest relationship with someone for nearly a year.  I count myself fortunate to have been able to have that experience.  I truly believe this person loved me, had the best interests of me, my children and us as a couple in the forefront.  He is remarkably kind, generous and was instrumental in helping me and the children through the ugliest parts of the divorce.  It had all the makings of a lifelong success.  Unfortunately, things worked out differently.

We were both faced with such tremendous life change at the same time that we became overwhelmed with managing the changes in my life as well as the many significant shifts that were happening in his.  He allowed the children and I to live with him for a period of time and this past week marks the one year anniversary of our moving out of his house.  A sad anniversary for us all.

After the move there was tremendous hurt and sadness on both sides.  We got to the point where we could hardly speak to each other and all avenues of communication and bridges to our relationship were, in effect, closed.   It always felt like such unfinished business.

This week we spoke again.  He had always been quite articulate in being able to tell me why he was hurt and how he felt I contributed to the ending of the relationship.  He was right most all accounts. What was different this time is that I actually believe that he has heard for the first time what my experience was and how his behaviours, attitudes and choices affected me.  And, he apologized.  I felt like I had closure on my sad memories.  I felt like that part of our experience is settled, if not healed. 

Simply being understood and heard is such a powerful experience that I take pause.  I realize that I need to try to do that more with others in my life.  (I am sure that Michael would tell you that I need to do that more.)  Thanks BA for reminding me of the power of simple words like "Thanks for telling me that.  I didn't put that together and I am sorry."  It means everything.

Nothing White

That has been my diet.  No white flour.  No white sugar. No white rice. No white potatoes.  The only white things I have been eating are cauliflower, dairy and fish/chicken.  That and portion control has had a significant effect on my body.  In one month I have gone from a size 36 to a 34.  My energy is up. I feel better.

However, I realize that I have a real relationship with food.  Giving up all the food that I love and the ability to eat what I want when I want is like being in mourning for a lost relationship.  I feel like I have been ditched at the alter.  No wonder keeping my body in shape has been a life long struggle.  I have been in this relationship with food for a loooong time!  Over the past several years, I have been making lots of relationship changes, and I realized that this relationship had to be the next one to change. 

This is not to stay that we won't try to get together again in the future -- that I won't have a lonely night without a creamsicle and want to reunite, but I am trying hard to maintain the same philosphy I have with other relationships I had to end.  I ended it for a reason.  Even if I miss it, and forget why we broke up...we broke up for a reason. 

My Triggers

Over the past few days, I have been really reviewing my triggers when it comes to my relationship with my ex-husband.  I don't want to focus on his behavior, communication style or experience.  I know that I can't understand, explain or control any of that.  That is not to say that I don't wish I was so powerful that I could.  However, I am insightful enough to know that I can only control, change and manage my own experience, behaviour and thoughts. So, let's just focus on that for now.

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself getting defensive, often aggressive and angry and unkind.  At best, I am short, dismissive and irreverent and often find myself hunkering down in my emotional bunker as hurtful words and tone are lobbed back and forth.  This is not good for my children and doesn't make me feel like the person I hope to become someday. I am trying to breathe, take a moment and stop being so reactionary.  I am adding to the agita that we both feel and does not get us closer to the goals that I have. 

So, what are those goals?  I had to give that alot of thought over the past few days.  I know that we may never be friends because there is so much water under the bridge, but that would be the ultimate.  At a minimum, I would like us to be collaborative, with trustful communication, mutually supportive and build a family structure that makes the kids feel like they can have everything without choosing sides, and my ex and I don't have to feel like we are on opposite sides of the war. 

Lofty goals to be sure.  First step is that I have to learn to break down my bunker...one sandbag at a time.