Connections

This weekend was an event that my family looks forward to every year.  The Moldova Family Reunion.  When I went on that amazing adventure to Eastern Europe to meet my son and bring him home, I was fortunate enough to share that experience with three other families.  The Murphys, The Burkes, and The Leos.

Having lived through the nerves, the trauma, the frantic moments bonded us together in a way that I  never expected.  We have truly become a family.  We, unfortunately, only get together once or twice a year. But, every time we do, it is like a love fest.  We gush over our children and how big they have gotten, we relive the same stories about the journey every time, we eat great food, Trish has something home-made for everyone, we take pictures and swap stories about how we have gone from having babies to children to pre teens that are embarrassed by us before we have to leave, sad that the day has ended far too quickly.  These children from our journey, and their siblings that have become such an important part of our clan.

These amazing people have touched me and my family, with open acceptance and love, in a way that no one else has.  We have a shared history and I would have it no other way.

It was inevitable

It was inevitable.  It had to happen.  I knew it was coming eventually but one never expects it when it actually happens.  Then you get surprised and flummoxed (again, my favorite word!).  Then you think, how do I deal with this?  How do I respond?  Oy, the drama of the first real disagreement!

It really was about nothing that significant on the outside, but things just seemed to get heated really quickly.  I am not sure why.  It all started like a good, thoughtful conversation and then all of a sudden neither of us thought the other was really listening and we started to "make our point."  That is when things go down hill.  Ego.  Right smack in the way.  It felt like it was more important to both of us to ensure that the other one understood us than it was to sit back and listen and acknowledge what each other was expressing, in emotion as much as words. 

This was a good learning lesson for what this relationship can manage.  Here is what I learned:

• I am thankful that I have a partner that is willing to communicate that he is unhappy (frustrated or any other emotion) and doesn't just roll over and play dead
• I have to readjust my approach so that he knows I really am listening
• I have to be careful so that I don't sound preachy when I feel like I am not being heard
• If I am not feeling heard, stop.  Try something new and check in for understanding.  I might not have had to go so far if he really did hear me.  Perhaps I was stressing something that didn't need to be stressed. 
• Reconfirm that the emotion in the moment is just that.  In the moment.  It doesn't dictate my overall feelings or my opinion of our relationship. 
• I am so glad we are over this hurdle.  It is so much better than waiting for that first disagreement! 

Seeing old friends

Last night I had dinner with an old friend that I never get to see often enough.  Michelle is one of those friends that even though we don't see each other frequently enough, it is always like I saw her yesterday.  There is never a period of "reconnection".  We swapped personal stories both funny and sad.  We talked about what really matters in life.  I always learn something new from her everytime I see her. 

This week, I also had lunch with an old friend from high school.  Wendy comes from a very different period in my life, when life was much more challenging and felt less rewarding.  She always reminds me that people grow, thrive and survive.  Spending time with Wendy always make me realize how far I have come and how impressive she is as she travels her journey. 

I am thankful for these two women who really addeed value to my week. 

Reading between the lines...

OK...I am known for acting boldly...jumping ahead and taking risks. When you are a person that does that, you have to assume that not everyone will automatically jump on board with full support and excitement.  I had to laugh this morning when I started telling some folks that I decided to open my private practice and leased a space...Here are some of my favorites:

1.  Oh, I didn't realize that you were thinking of that... (translation:  Have you really thought this out?)
2.  What?  Are you kidding me?  (translation:  You have now lost your mind.  You need a therapist!)
3.  Are you sure you are ready for that? (translation:  don't go fucking up people's lives!)
4.  And when do you think you can fit this in? (translation:  And when do you think you can fit this in?)
5.  Really?  Wow!  That is so exciting! (Translation:  I am really happy for you!  You will be great!)


I think I am ready for this.  I have gone between #1 and #2, #2 and #4, #4 and #3 and back to #1...several times.   I am now at #5 (for today!)

New starts ... again

For those of you that are loyal readers (and I love you for that!), you know that I have been going through a very long period of trying to figure out who I am, where I belong and what I want.  Along with that also comes the other difficult tasks, such as figuring out what I am afraid of, how I self-sabotage my good intentions and how I need to increase my awareness.  Clearly no small feat!  It is a battle that I win on some days...and die a tragic death on others.

One of the big dreams I have had was to better understand what my role is and how my strengths will bring me there.  I have tried new parenting techniques this weekend, and got great results.  (Yes, I did slip into some old bad patterns and behaviors and received harsh reminders that my ego was not being enjoyed by my children!  Hey...learning takes time!  I will get there!)

I also made another major step!  I signed a lease for an office sublet to open my private practice!  It is a beautiful office, fully furnished and ready to go!  This has been a dream of mine for many years.  I have worked toward this goal for the past five years and am thrilled that I can see my hard work starting to pay off!  I know it won't be easy.  I will make the best choices I can and hope that I am really helping others when the day is done.    But for now, I am excited for the opportunity to get started.  I feel like I am on a path to reclaiming a greater degree of independence and control over my future! 

(So....if you happen to know anyone that could use a great therapist in the greater Boston area....)

It is amazing that when I have a touch of awareness...how many things change perspective.  At work, I went in with my new "keep my ego in check" awareness.  I had an interaction with a co-worker that was so clearly about her own lack of self confidence and discontent.  Normally, I would have had a much more personal reaction to it.  Instead, I really felt for her.  I gave her the space to vent out what she needed to (as she clearly wasn't listening or actively participating in the conversation that was happening in the moment) and left the situation thinking I think/hope that made her feel better rather than How dare she talk to me like that! 

At home, I was mindful to parent the kids based on what they needed versus what I needed.  We had a really wonderful, pleasant and enjoyable night.  OK...note to self...Get out of my own way!!

So, a new day...

I am still thinking a lot about what I wrote yesterday.  I am incredibly aware of how much I am in my own way. It seems that my eyes are open in a different way.  I am noticing how people react to me...how I react to people.  How my body feels physically and emotionally.  I think I may have really tapped into a different understanding of the day to day and feel like I can't just put it aside.  (Just bear with me for a while as I figure this out...)

It is like when you buy a new car...and then as you drive down the road, it seems that everyone is driving that car.  My awareness has been sharpened on a few things.  I was talking with Joe last night about how I parent my children based on my needs, not theirs.  I contemplated this and I realize that I interact with others based on my need, not theirs (or least not in unison of our mutual need...).  No wonder everything feels like it takes more energy than it should...because I am expending more energy than I need to!

Someone at work told me last week that he thought I was hungry for power and status to satisfy my ego (not in a "you are a bad person way" but in a "I think you are eager to accomplish things and have status" way.)  I was shocked.  I told him that my ego wasn't that big and that I was just focused on the task at hand.  And, yes...accomplishment was big for me.  I don't like to be stagnant.  I must always be in motion.  But, why?  Maybe my ego does need a certain amount of constant feeding and I need to be aware of that so that I can stop being driven by it.

Insights anyone?  

Getting out of my own way

I spend a great amount of time trying to improve who I am, how I live my life and how I guide my family through all that is in front of us.  Some days I feel great accomplishment and find equal amounts of joy and satisfaction in what my new learning and awareness means to me.  However, I am also aware that there is so much more that I must go through to be able to fully live in a connected and self actualized way.

I find that I am still in great need of acceptance from everyone I meet, feel great injury if someone doesn't like me or says something harsh to me, find that my parenting is often driven by my own needs rather than the needs of my children and the reality is harsh to me.

When people at work say attacking or unaccepting things to me and I feel/act defensive, when I make snap reactions to Michael's behaviors and comments, when I mismanage my budget by buying products that I don't need or want because I need to feel a satisfaction, I realize how unaware I still am on a daily basis.  Every once in a while, when I have a moment to sit and think about it, I realize that I am my own worst enemy.  I cause most all of the anxiety, stress and emotional unease in my life.  I have to learn to get out of my own way so that my life can continue on the projection it is intended.  I know that this awareness will come and go...but for today, I am mindful.

Parenting through the tough times

Yesterday was a day that the children and I will remember for the rest of our lives.  Tony's father died at 5:30 am from kidney failure.  Papa was an amazing man that really showed me what a commitment to family really meant, the power of a committed relationship and so much more.  One of the greatest losses of the divorce was the regular contact with the extended family.  I was so pleased and comforted to know that my children would have these people in their lives to guide and support them.

Michael shed many tears in a soulful cry that I had never heard from him before.  He was shifting from unconsolable to coping with maturity and grace.  He then sat and wrote his Papa the most amazing letter discussing his sadness, confusion and memories.  Olivia went from crying to forgetting.  I reminded her that when she would go to Nana's house, Papa wouldn't be there anymore.  She started to cry and said that she would give Nana extra kisses and hugs for Papa.  These are the reasons I love my children and what makes parenting through tough times more manageable. 

Tony and I made a plan for how to manage this tragic and sad moment that would support him and his family and provided enough guidance and structure for the children.  We explained what they should expect at the wake and funeral, negotiated a schedule that allowed Tony to take care of the business he needed to (and spend time with his grief with his family) while ensuring the children were given guidance and loving support. 

It all comes together when it has to and I am reminded that parenting (and co-parenting) can bring a family together when it is most important. These are the times I am humbled. I am just so saddened that we had to lose such a wonderful man that gave us all so much.