Beginning New Family Models

Yesterday Michael asked me an interesting question…if his grandparents (on my ex’s side) were still in my blood family or my love family. Now, you have to understand that I have a family that is made up of choice. One child is biological, one is not. They both have birth parents who are not their parents. They both have at least one parent that is not biologically linked to them. It all gets quite confusing. Early on we came upon the terms blood family, meaning the people who are in family through bloodline or legal process, and love family, meaning those people in our family by choice and commitment.


Now, how do I answer his question? (I know how I would like to answer his question, but I am not sure it would be truthful.) Prior to my divorce, I was exceptionally close to my in-laws. One of the biggest losses I experienced was the loss of that family. I gave my all to the family and had hoped that as my ex and I maneuvered through our divorce that they would have been able to see that the best interest of the children would mean supporting a relationship between all the adults in their lives. Conversely, I understand why they are hurt and distancing themselves from me.

So, this brings me to the question. Michael was talking about my former brother-in-law and niece…both of whom may be planning weddings. Michael asked me if I would be invited to the weddings. I told him that I didn’t think so, because of the divorce I was no longer a big part of that family. The kids got upset (OK…I probably could and should have handled that better!) It was just one of those moments that reminded me of the loss I incurred through divorce.

Shortly after that Tressa called. Tressa is one of the core members of the love family. One of those people whose family I am in regardless of bloodline or legal contract. In fact, her mother calls me her husband. Tressa and her wife, Miri, never miss a step. They check in on me, share all the family moments with me and always have my back. They keep me honest when I err. They know all the ugly facts that I hide from the world. They have no contract or bloodline. They only have commitment and love for me and my children and allow us to love them back.

So Michael and Olivia, the answer is no. I don’t think I will be invited to the weddings because I am no longer considered part of the family. The contract was broken and that was enough to sever the family. While I had always hoped that blood family and love family would be one and the same…I will take love family any day.