Nothing going on

I am in this period of nothing going on.  I am on a simple track of work and parenting.  There isn't a lot of diversion.  For the most part, I am having no stressors, no major battles, no mountains to climb (and for those that really know me, realize that is weird).

At times, I feel like I need to tip over the apple cart just to see where the apples will fall.  These periods of "rest" don't always feel comforting or good to me.  It has come to my awareness that I am at my best when there is major activity and my brain must solve/resolve complexity, when I am up against deadline and major project accomplishment.  This relatively easy period is unsettling.  I really should try relax, regroup, reenergize and plan for the future.  It just isn't me no matter how hard I try.  I want challenge.  I want to focus on something big.  These periods of "nothing going on" make me feel that I am not accomplishing anything.  Does anyone have an apple cart I can borrow?

Am I Lonely?

Several people of late have asked me if I am lonely. My classic response is "No!"  However, when I reflect on the real question, I am not sure what the real answer is.  What is "lonely" and do I feel that way?

I often feel that I am supposed to be strong and independent.  A real classic American male who can fight the wilderness, tie a perfect box knot, hunt for dinner, provide a safe and warm home for my family, be ultimately self-reliant.  Does that mean that I have to do all of that alone and if I am doing it alone, do I have to feel good about it?

I think the real question people are asking is "How are you surviving the transition after divorce?"  I am surprised that now more than three years after the separation and breakdown of my marriage, I am still feeling the effects of divorce.  Somehow, I just figured that this would be the time of rebuilding, feeling strong and vibrant and I would have moved on with my life.  In many ways, I have.  I have a stable home.  The kids seem to be doing particularly well and are only challenging me in age appropriate ways.  My career seems to be on track and I am happy with my job.  Financially, I am making it (not easily...but making it).  But, am I lonely?

I think the real answer is still "no" (minus the capital letter and exclamation point).  Do I miss being married?  Yes.  I do not miss being married to my ex, but I do miss being married.  I miss the emotional give and take.  I miss the security in having someone pick up where you fail.  I miss the ease of comfort in being able to say to a friend "I would love to meet you for a cup of coffee."  For now, If I am not working, I am single parenting.  There is no "Me" time.  There is no "Us" time.  There is only "You time".  I think of sharing intimacy -- both physical and non -- with someone that wants to share intimacy with me. 

Am I lonely?  No.  Am I tired of being alone?  Yes.  But, what a learning lesson this has been.  I do not want a relationship by default simply because it is available to me.  I want the right relationship and until that one comes along...I will continue to hunt for dinner as any classic American male would do.

Learning from the blog

Usually my blog is a reflection of something that happens in my day that brings new understanding, awareness or just thoughtfulness. This entry is actually one that was initiated from my blog. The other day, I wrote an entry about being in the fourth grade. It was a reflection on how my experience has been completely different from Michael’s and how children can be healing and with time, most things level out.

An anonymous poster wrote a comment that some readers had a reaction to, and I was not sure how to take. When I read it the first time, I took the comment to be supportive, then I wasn’t sure. In any case, I am happy that the poster put the comment on my blog. The blog is intended to be a place where I sort through many of the confusing and unsettled aspects of life. I am happy that readers might also use the blog for processing out what might be related and unsettled for them.

I have spent the past few days thinking about who I have judged and made to feel awkward, unattractive or unwanted. Then the list got too long so I decided to change to a different tactic. Rather than looking at others and what their experience has been, I have decided to look at my own behavior.

Have I judged others and made them feel less than? I am positive of it. Have my behaviors had long lasting effects on others? Without question. Am I learning from these experiences and wish that others had a better experience in their dealings with me? Yes. Will I do it again? Guaranteed. The better question is “am I trying to do better?” and that answer is definitely. As Grandma always told me “As you know better, you do better.” Thanks Grandma. You are wise and I will.

Fourth Grade

Michael started fourth grade yesterday. Now, I am not stupid. I have been around the block a few times. I know that fourth grade comes after third grade. Not just here, but everywhere. Yet, when I woke up yesterday, I had this feeling of “What the &%$#@!” It was like Michael was pulling a fast one on me.


Not to mention that my mother just came to visit and gave me my fourth grade report card (which seems like it was a million years ago). It came in a brown envelope and all of the students in my class wrote their names on it. In many incidents, these were kids that either ignored me or were less than kind to me. I was not popular. I had very few friends. I was fat, awkward, and immature. I had red hair and a face full of freckles. Kids teased me and started to identify me as gay – to their own relishment. My teacher at the J. J. Mitchell Elementary School was Mr. Moran. My memory of him was that he was a stern and joyless older man with white hair. Out of all my elementary school teachers, he is the one I remember the least.

Fast forward. I walk Michael into school. He is athletic, beautiful and popular. Every kid and every teacher is giving him a warm greeting, a high five or a request for a play date. His teacher is thrilled to see him again after the long summer break. He is everything I always wanted to be. He settled into his seat without any anxiety or reservation and his only concern before I left the school was whether or not we could have taco night for dinner.

Dinner time. I was checking email before the kids and I sat down. On Facebook, several of the kids that I was in fourth grade with are now Facebook friends. Clearly we have grown and matured. Michael reported that he had a great first day and is looking forward to going back. And…we had one hell of a taco night.

Starlight, Starbright

Today the children are with Tony this weekend. It feels like I have a rare opportunity to be home by myself. I am not in a hotel room and I can get the house clean, eat dinner without ketchup, watch whatever I want , soak in the tub and actually make plans to see friends without having to worry about what time I get home and how much the babysitter is going to cost. Sounds like heaven…and in many ways it is.

However, on the way to work this morning, riding my scooter, I found myself singing a particular little ditty in my head. Not just any ditty but a very important ditty.

On the day Olivia was born, after I witness the glory of her first breath, I cut her umbilical cord and carried her into the nursery. The nursing staff left us alone. Olivia in her bassinet under the warming light and me. Our first moment alone. I found myself stroking every inch of her naked body in amazement that I made this stunning creature. She opened her eyes and looked at me. Me. Her father. In that instant I naturally started singing a lullaby to her. It just came to me.

You are my starlight
Your are my starbright
I wish for you
A love that's true
Someone who'll love you like I do

I wish I will
I wish I might
This little wish I make tonight
This I do because I love you

Any way...it went on for a few verses.  And I still sing this to her when we cuddle at night.

Riding my scooter in the morning sun, I felt tears running down my face.  I realized that little wish, so clear in my mind, will come true someday.  She will will find a love that is true and I will just be her Dad.  This means the world is as it should be.  My dream come true.

Kids being kids

short post.  Let's just say.  Children + Carbs + Skype = Insanity.  Lesson learned.

Summer's Bounty

The joy of having another adult in the house is that I get to the things that I keep saying...I need to get to that!

This morning I went for a run with Michael (okay, I went on a "almost died" with Michael), canned 6 jars of fresh tomatoes and made 7 jars of cashew pesto.  I finally got around to reaping the benefits of a great summer bounty!  Perhaps tomorrow I can build on this wave of success and can some peppers and eggplant...and go on one more death run with Michael.