Riding the Wave

Riding the wave of good Karma has me looking to the future with new energy and a touch of caution. While caution isn’t always my usual modus operandi, I have found that the past two years has taught me to be more mindful in my decision making. As a result, better things happen


In the past few days, I have thoroughly loved the exploration of a new relationship with a man that has been a joy to get to know. I have met with my financial planner to create long term and meaningful goals about how to construct a future that feels valuable and important to me. And, I looked at some homes for sale (even though I am not ready to buy just yet.) It is kind of looking for an engagement ring when you are single, but just the same…fun to look. The children and I are finding more moments of connection and joy than usual.

So, for today, life feels great and I am enjoying this wave of good Karma. I am doing everything I can think of to ensure it continues!

Karma Baby!

Wow..the power of Karma never ceases to amaze me.  I am humbled by the forces beyond me.

Several weeks ago, everything seemed out of balance.  (See previous posts)  I was yelling at the kids all the time, struggling at work, feeling exhausted, not taking care of myself, making poor choices about daily living.  The result was an extremely unhappy, unsupported and frustrated me. 

After taking stock in my life, reassessing my situation and the choices I made, small alterations needed to be made.  The payoffs have been huge. 

Since those new awarenesses and changes, I am sleeping so much better.  I am not yelling at the kids (as much or inappropriately).  I am seeing big wins at work in peer relationships and professional credibility.  My pants are fitting better.  My bills feel more manageable.   I advocated at work to lessen my Spring travel schedule so that I can focus more on me.  AND I have found excitement in my personal life again. (First off, I am feeling like I have a personal life which is a huge improvement!)  And, a terrific someone has shown interest in me in a way that feels natural and realistic.  (Who knows what this means or what it could lead to, but I am thrilled for the "today" and am not planning any "tomorrows" ... yet!)

Karma...you can't fight it!

The Lesson of Balance

In the past few weeks, I have been challenged to keep better balance in my life.  I have been thinking alot about the struggles I have been having in my job, the stresses of being a single parent and the lack of personal life lately.  This combination certainly has not brought me to a content place. 

I have been pushing and driving so hard at work for the past year, feeling prideful and most likely getting a big head about it. It took the events of the past few weeks to really give me a reality check about what is happening in my life.  Let's break it down:

1.  My job

I have been pouring so much energy into my job.  Checking emails at night and on the weekend, responding at all hours.  Really pushing hard.  I think there are two reasons for it.  a) I don't like to fail.  The fear that I would not reach my goal was unthinkable.  This means that I didn't look at the goal as a team effort.  I owned it wholly and completely, so when good things happened, I took credit for it instead of sharing it as richly as I should have.  It also means that the goal was personal, not business.  I didn't allow for natural business cycles to exist and I tried to force the natural rhythms of business to my personal needs.  b) I was working this hard because I was feeling like I didn't have much else was happening in my life.  I was feeling pretty much like a failure in the sense that I didn't feel any forward movement.  Parenting was getting increasingly challenging as my children were coping with the natural changes in their own development while facing the realities of divorce.  Financial setbacks seemed to be a weekly event.  There was no personal life to speak of and I was getting increasingly isolated from my personal support network.  The only thing I felt I had control over was work -- so I drove as hard as I could.  The resulting stress and anxiety clouded my ability to make good decisions and as a result, I have found myself with some messes in the workplace that I now have to clean up.

2.  Finances

While I have been fairly responsible in my finances, there was still some fat in my spending.  As a result, I haven't been saving for longer term goals.  I realize that there is still some belt tightening that needs to happen in order to achieve the longer term goals.  Budget is going on a diet.

3.  The Kids.

I scream.  I hate it.  I need to stop screaming and taking my stress out on my kids.  Nothing more to be said.  I have already started employing new behaviours this week and am enjoying the changing results.  I love my kids.  They are amazing.

4.  My Personal Life

I am determined to have one.  Balancing my work life, taking energy and time from that for me must be done.  I realize now that the work goals are shared goals and I can't control them.  I am going to stop trying.  I am going to hire a babysitter once in a while.  When Dad goes down, the family goes down.  Time to take care of me.  My thought process is:  If I die next year, is this how I want my last year to be?  If I live another 50 years, is this the quality of life I want for that long?  The answer to both is no.  Time to change.  Time for balance.  Time for me. 

The half way point

Tomorrow Michael turns 10.  Double digits. Nearly ready for Middle School.  As I planned out how his birthday would be celebrated, a strange awareness hit me. 

I adopted him at 2.  He has been home for 8 years.  If he leaves home at 18, I only have 8 more years.  This is the halfway point of having him with me.  A stark reminder of why I have to cherish every single moment, notice every nuance, and celebrate the amazing person he is.  I love that kid...

Overdoing Strengths

Today I turn 46.  Even though most people, wouldn't consider 46 to be a major milestone...I do.  It represents for me a new level of awareness and awakening.  And, as life has shown me, learning, growth and awareness can have multiple feelings attached to it.

Recently, I was offered some feedback about my working style and how I manage myself and my responsibilities.  It wasn't feedback that felt good, but was very helpful and I was appreciative for it.  I have spent a good deal of time truly reflecting on how I carry myself and approach others.  Clearly, there is stsill a lot more growth to be done.

However, there was one interesting comment that has stuck with me.  I was told that pride I have been exhibiting in my work and the energy that I bring to the workplace is being interpreted as my feeling inadequate and having low self confidence.  At first, I thought....this person doesn't know me at all!  But as I reflected on the comment, I thought that there was truly something to it. 

I have always been known as a person that has extreme self confidence, isn't afraid of risk and will tackle any challenge.  This also leads me to be a bit intimidating socially and perhaps somewhat aggressive or forceful.  I know it ... and I see it.  Since the divorce, I have indeed felt injured and significantly more concerned about the future and my ability to lead my little tribe into it.  I think I have been relying on old behaviours to "fake it until I make it". 

I think I am beginning to realize that I am doing more faking and less making.  The more faking I do, the more I posture and overdo the strengths that I have (assertiveness, risk taking, driving forward in tough times) and those strengths become detriments.  I need to be more reality based, less focused on the accomplishments at work and status and spending significantly more time working on my own sense of peace and life balance.  This awareness has actually brought a significant amount of stress into a more manageable process.

I didn't like the feedback I have been getting. I needed it.  I am thankful for it.  I will make the same mistakes, but I am focused on not letting my own anxieties, stresses and fears drive my behaviours.  I am going to slow down, breathe more and and acknowledge my own ability to manage and let go of the rest.    Or at least, that is the plan for today.

It's Over...Finally

Well, after spending some time thinking about settling into my apartment, I started thinking more broadly.  This is bigger than making myself feel like I have a home even if I don't own it.  I realized that it was time for a change in perspective.

It's over...finally.  My divorce.  For the past two plus years I have living my life as a person that is going through a divorce.  As a result, I haven't been able to move on, I have been afraid of what was going to come (or not going to come), and everything seemed to be in relationship to how it was connected to my divorce.  It was time to finally take a deep breath and realize that I am not getting divorced.  I am divorced.  It is not happening.  It has happened.  Past tense.  Time to be situated in present and future tense.  What AM I doing and what WILL I do is very different from what HAS happened. 

It may sound strange or even simple, but once I said to myself that "as of today, I am divorced.  Period" I felt a huge weight lifted from me.  I instantly felt more confident and in charge.  I don't care that I am single.  I don't care that I have to carry the weight of the financial burden and leadership of this little tribe of mine.  In fact, I began to celebrate.  I felt ...not joy...but a satisfaction that I accomplished something and felt like a survivor instead of a person living through divorce.

The comfort in settling

One of the things that I kept saying after the divorce was that I would never settle again.  I would not be in a relationship by default, because it was offered to me or because there were no better options.  I would not be in a job that didn't inspire me or make me feel like I was making a difference.  I would not settle.

However, that being said, I have started to settle into my life which is something that I haven't been able to do for many months.  I have started to make my apartment my own instead of looking for a way out.  I have started to settle into a grow pattern with my kids and really looking at how to deepen and enrich those important relationships.  And, I have settled into being single. 

One of my major fears before, during and after the divorce was that I would be alone for the rest of my life...or at least for a very long time and that scared me.  All I could see was a middle aged, short, balding, weight challenged man with two young children and not a lot of cash in the bank.  Now I am truly feeling much more vital, comfortable with being single (although a loving and committed relationship would do a boy good...) and starting to feel that I am no longer "faking it in hopes of making it".  I think I am actually making it.  My confidence is stronger every day. 

I am out there meeting people.  The majority are an immediate hell no! However, I have met a few guys that could be good friends even if they aren't romantic matches.  And...every once in a while I meet someone that makes me go hmmmmmm....Maybe!!

So I am learning that there are some aspects of life that I should never settle for...and others that require my settling in order for me to get ahead.  Learning this lesson makes me feel settled.  Weird...