In the past few weeks, I have been challenged to keep better balance in my life. I have been thinking alot about the struggles I have been having in my job, the stresses of being a single parent and the lack of personal life lately. This combination certainly has not brought me to a content place.
I have been pushing and driving so hard at work for the past year, feeling prideful and most likely getting a big head about it. It took the events of the past few weeks to really give me a reality check about what is happening in my life. Let's break it down:
1. My job
I have been pouring so much energy into my job. Checking emails at night and on the weekend, responding at all hours. Really pushing hard. I think there are two reasons for it. a) I don't like to fail. The fear that I would not reach my goal was unthinkable. This means that I didn't look at the goal as a team effort. I owned it wholly and completely, so when good things happened, I took credit for it instead of sharing it as richly as I should have. It also means that the goal was personal, not business. I didn't allow for natural business cycles to exist and I tried to force the natural rhythms of business to my personal needs. b) I was working this hard because I was feeling like I didn't have much else was happening in my life. I was feeling pretty much like a failure in the sense that I didn't feel any forward movement. Parenting was getting increasingly challenging as my children were coping with the natural changes in their own development while facing the realities of divorce. Financial setbacks seemed to be a weekly event. There was no personal life to speak of and I was getting increasingly isolated from my personal support network. The only thing I felt I had control over was work -- so I drove as hard as I could. The resulting stress and anxiety clouded my ability to make good decisions and as a result, I have found myself with some messes in the workplace that I now have to clean up.
2. Finances
While I have been fairly responsible in my finances, there was still some fat in my spending. As a result, I haven't been saving for longer term goals. I realize that there is still some belt tightening that needs to happen in order to achieve the longer term goals. Budget is going on a diet.
3. The Kids.
I scream. I hate it. I need to stop screaming and taking my stress out on my kids. Nothing more to be said. I have already started employing new behaviours this week and am enjoying the changing results. I love my kids. They are amazing.
4. My Personal Life
I am determined to have one. Balancing my work life, taking energy and time from that for me must be done. I realize now that the work goals are shared goals and I can't control them. I am going to stop trying. I am going to hire a babysitter once in a while. When Dad goes down, the family goes down. Time to take care of me. My thought process is: If I die next year, is this how I want my last year to be? If I live another 50 years, is this the quality of life I want for that long? The answer to both is no. Time to change. Time for balance. Time for me.
I have been pushing and driving so hard at work for the past year, feeling prideful and most likely getting a big head about it. It took the events of the past few weeks to really give me a reality check about what is happening in my life. Let's break it down:
1. My job
I have been pouring so much energy into my job. Checking emails at night and on the weekend, responding at all hours. Really pushing hard. I think there are two reasons for it. a) I don't like to fail. The fear that I would not reach my goal was unthinkable. This means that I didn't look at the goal as a team effort. I owned it wholly and completely, so when good things happened, I took credit for it instead of sharing it as richly as I should have. It also means that the goal was personal, not business. I didn't allow for natural business cycles to exist and I tried to force the natural rhythms of business to my personal needs. b) I was working this hard because I was feeling like I didn't have much else was happening in my life. I was feeling pretty much like a failure in the sense that I didn't feel any forward movement. Parenting was getting increasingly challenging as my children were coping with the natural changes in their own development while facing the realities of divorce. Financial setbacks seemed to be a weekly event. There was no personal life to speak of and I was getting increasingly isolated from my personal support network. The only thing I felt I had control over was work -- so I drove as hard as I could. The resulting stress and anxiety clouded my ability to make good decisions and as a result, I have found myself with some messes in the workplace that I now have to clean up.
2. Finances
While I have been fairly responsible in my finances, there was still some fat in my spending. As a result, I haven't been saving for longer term goals. I realize that there is still some belt tightening that needs to happen in order to achieve the longer term goals. Budget is going on a diet.
3. The Kids.
I scream. I hate it. I need to stop screaming and taking my stress out on my kids. Nothing more to be said. I have already started employing new behaviours this week and am enjoying the changing results. I love my kids. They are amazing.
4. My Personal Life
I am determined to have one. Balancing my work life, taking energy and time from that for me must be done. I realize now that the work goals are shared goals and I can't control them. I am going to stop trying. I am going to hire a babysitter once in a while. When Dad goes down, the family goes down. Time to take care of me. My thought process is: If I die next year, is this how I want my last year to be? If I live another 50 years, is this the quality of life I want for that long? The answer to both is no. Time to change. Time for balance. Time for me.
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