Breaking the Cycle

One of the things in my life that brings me the most pain is that I have no relationship at all with my older brother. Alan and I were never close as children – often compared, we felt pitted against one another. We also lived through some childhood trauma that served to ensure that we never built a trusting and confidante relationship. As we got older, the rifts between us only got deeper and more painful. After Alan started treating my children the way he was treating me, I ended ongoing contact. Not for ever, but only until we could have an adult conversation and come to some agreements about how we would treat each other. After six years, that conversation still hasn’t happened. I lost my nephews, my brother and my children lost their extended family. My brother and I haven’t spoken since. We have seen each other once in that time. I was standing in the rain transferring my mother’s luggage from my car to his. He remained in the car and couldn’t look at me.


What is concerning about this is that my mother also lost the relationships with her siblings (there were five that lived to adulthood.) There were periods of time when she had connection with one or the other, but they could never be together…except for a short period of time a few years ago. That didn’t last long as one of my aunts couldn’t hold the bond together. Since then, my other aunt has died and now my mother only has one brother to speak with on a regular basis. It is sad.

I am so adamant that my children will not be the third generation living through this. I know there is only so much I can control and, ultimately, the relationship between Michael and Olivia is theirs to navigate. However, I have no tolerance for when they are less than loving and supportive of each other. Today was one of those days. Michael had an all day play date. His friend was kind and inclusive of Olivia, and Michael was harsh and dismissive. It touched every raw nerve I had. I understand healthy sibling rivalry and Michael’s need not to have a 3 ½ year old tagging along. When it happens, it is all I can do not to fly off my chair and lose my mind.

When the night settled down and Olivia was in bed, Michael and I had a big discussion. I actually think this was one of my better parenting moments. I didn’t yell. I didn’t have a stern voice. I just told Michael how important it is to always nurture his relationship with Olivia. I explained what it is like to have a sibling that you can’t have a relationship with. I talked about someday, I wasn’t going to be around and all he would have is Olivia. His children and hers will want … no, need…connection, guidance, understanding and definition. I told him we are a team. (I, of course, am captain!) No team can win if the team members don’t work together and support each other. We are a small team, the three of us, and we need every single member. I think he got it. I hope he got it…at least for today.