A new goal...

For those of you who know me well, you know that I like to make big goals and then kick down walls to make them happen.  Sometimes that works in my favor and sometimes....well...not so much.  So I have set a new goal.  I am going to run the 2012 Boston Marathon.  Now, I can hear you commenting already...but it has to happen.

For the past many months, I have been complaining that I can't get to the gym, exercising is hard, I battle my weight constantly.  I needed a hard goal.  Something to focus on that was bigger than my day to day struggles.  Hence, the marathon.  Joe the Beau is going to do this with me. 

For the past week, I have been meticulous on my diet.  I started the week at 196 pounds (Yes, I am going to blog about the whole experience and put the good, the bad and the ugly truths out there...).  Today I weighed in at 194.6.  My diet for the week has been focused on keeping under 2000 calories per day:

Monday, April 04, 2011
Breakfast:  Latte (85); banana (125); Yogurt (140); Granola (260) Total 610. 
Lunch: 2c Feta/Bean Salad (275); 2 Kashi bars (300) Total: 575.
Dinner:  Chicken burger, WW/Honey mustard (229); ketchup/cheese (114); green beans (50); Baked beans (300); latte (85) Total: 778
Daily total: 1963

Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Breakfast:  Latte (85); banana (125); Yogurt (140); Granola (260) Total: 610
Lunch:  Chicken burger, ww/honey mustard (229); 2c Feta/Bean Salad (275); Kashi bar (150) Total:  654
Dinner:  Stuffed WW pizza, green peas, cherry tomatoes (704) Total:  704
Daily total:  1968

Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Breakfast:  Latte (85); banana (125); Raisin Bran (190); 1c Skim (83)  Total:  483
Lunch:  1c Strawberries (49); yogurt (140); granola (260) Total:  449
Dinner:  Turkey cheese burger (220); yam (180); Salad (460); berry pop (60); coffee (45) Total:  965
Daily total:  1897

Thursday, April 07, 2011
Breakfast:  coffee (40); Yogurt parfait (320); fruit cup (140); latte (85) Total:  585
Lunch:  Coffee (15); small salad (30); grilled chicken (200); lentil soup (150);kashi bar (170) Total: 565
Dinner:  Salad (285); veg soup (110); orange (81); Total:  476
Daily total:  1626

Friday, April 08, 2011
Breakfast:  eng muffin, cheese, jam (255); coffee (20); Total:  275
Lunch:  1c Strawberries (49); yogurt (140); granola (260); 2 kashi bars (320) Total:  769
Dinner:  2 Chicken burger, WW/Honey mustard (458); ketchup/cheese (114); 2 English muffin (240) Total:  812
Daily total:  1856

I have been stretching all week.  Legs feel great.  The problem is the back.  I ran with Michael the other night for a VERY short jog and my back was killing me.  So, Joe and I have been researching back stretches and I have been doing them daily.  Today, my back feels so much better.  I will be sharing my training schedule once it really forms. 

Last week, I bought knee stablizer straps for my knees and a pedometer.  26.2.  I have run bigger races in my life!

Re-entry

After a long and sometimes insane trip through London and Dublin, I have returned to my bed.  This trip was truly exhausting.  While productive and successful from a business perspective, I couldn't wait to get home. And..what a great re-entry.

When I finally made it to Boston (after a day's travel delay), Joe met me at the airport.  I have only been picked up one other time by my friend Stephen.  For those that travel as much as I do, you will have an appreciation of what a luxury it is to be picked up at the airport.  Not to have to shuffle all of your luggage into a cab (which is usually less than clean and smells like the 500 other cab riders that came before you) and then to lug (hence the word "luggage") it all upstairs.  Having Joe pick me up, have a warm greeting and then assistance getting everything in and put away was...heaven. 

He brought milk (because Lord knows a good re-entry can only happen if I can have my coffee in the morning!)  and dinner.  After a nice turkey and bean chili, we just relaxed.  No rushing, no time frame...just a hot shower. 

Saturday morning brought a wonderful new experience.  Joe had volunteered for the Leukemia and Lymphoma group that runs the Boston Marathon.  This year, he has been managing all of the water stops for them...so up we got, to go hear the runners and support them on one of their last runs before the big race.  I was surprised that they weren't all "marathon bodies".  Trust me...there were a few that really defined human nature, but most were normal people that were part of something bigger than themselves.  The team gets full on coaching, seminars on running, gear, nutrition; and consistent mentoring.  I was moved by the level of commitment of regular people.  (Those of you who know me well know that I just eat this stuff up!)

A long afternoon nap then coffee with the girls.  A nice dinner and a little Shawshank.  A really great day...relaxing, motivating and inspiring all at the same time.  I feel rested, my brain is engaged without being overworked, I have eaten well, and today we go to the Boston Gay Men's Chorus.  I feel like have not just re-entered from my trip, but I am starting to re-enter into my life. 

All I want for Christmas is...

Clearly things have gotten a bit stressful this week.  I am travelling through London and Dublin for eleven days for work.  It has been a long and exhausting week.  Everyone has anxiety dreams when they are faced with periods of uncertainty, stress or pressure.  My favorites are when I am naked in a business meeting while everyone else is wearing suits...or I show up and I forgot that we were having a test and I didn't study.  I typicall will find a way in my dream to cover my nakedness or manage my way through the multiple choice.  Dream done.

However, last night's anxiety dream was the most horrifying dream I could have had.  I am sleeping at home (not my apartment but a nice brownstone which I have to admit, I would love to own!)  The house is immaculately clean.  Everything is put away orderly.  There is nothing out of place.  I wake up in the morning and the kids come running to me with arms open, lovingly.  So excited to see me.  And they stop immediately.  I don't have to ask them what is wrong because it hits me instantly.  It is Christmas morning and there are no Christmas decorations, no stockings, no presents. 

They children are stoic.  They don't cry.  They don't ask me what's wrong or why.  They just become quiet and go about their business.  I tell them to hurry and get dressed because we are going out to breakfast and then having a shopping spree at the toy store but they are less than interested.  I call people that are important to me to share my devastion. I wake up.

Now that I am awake, I am fairly confident that this is all about my being tired from this long trip (going home tomorrow).  I know that I would NEVER do this to my kids.  But, it was the most horrifying concept to consider. 

Big Daddy's Cub is Leaving the Nest...

There are some days as parents that you know your children struggle but it is a good thing.  A great learning lesson is had.  Children will grow from the adversity and become better people.  Stonger. More aware and vibrant.  While you want to swoop in and save them, you know that they have to handle it on their own.  Their ability to do so, shows that they are getting ready to break away and become fully formed people.  But it still sucks.

Yesterday, Michael in all of his joy and excitement saw two of his favorite neighborhood kids at the park and ran out to play soccer with them.  Instead of their usual sense of inclusion and good behavior, these kids told Michael immediately that they didn't want to play with him.  They wanted him to leave the park.  Michael, in all his bravado and sense of community, stayed and tried to ingrain himself into the game until the boys told him that he was annoying and unwanted.  I could see this unfold from window and knew something was up.  Michael calmly turned and walked out of the park.  By the time he came into the living room, he was in tears.  He couldn't understand why his friends would do this.  He couldn't think of anything he did wrong. 

I look at this with two different views.  First, my personal experience view.  I was never the popular kid. Michael is.  So, the meaning attached to this somewhat minor (in my opinion) event is different.  Because I was always the outcast, my reaction would have been "Of course you don't want me in the park...no one does...so go screw yourself!  I am going to do what I want!"  Michael's view was "No one has ever told me they didn't want to play with me and that I was annoying (except his sister who doesn't count).  I don't know what to do with these feelings!" Coaching him through it required a lot of new skills on my side!

The second view is the parent's view.  I wanted to go outside and kick their boney little asses.  How dare those overly entitled, arrogant, insensitive, thoughtless brats hurt my sweet and loving child?  Big Daddy was on a tear! (OK...for those readers that are concerned....I just glared at them out the window with laser focused disgust...but they never even saw me).

P.S. Later in the night, Michael was being less than kind to Olivia.  A simple reminder of his excursion in the park and he was sweet as pie to her!  Lesson learned.

Minding my business

Over the past few weeks I have fallen off my diet.  I don't think I have gained much, but I feel the sluggishness and scope creep happening.  I am making a public declaration that I am getting back to minding my business...and eating better!  So...if you see me with an eclair, a double stuffed baked potato or anything with creme fraiche...you have full authority to let me have it!!

Settled vs. Settling

I have always had the notion that being in a relationship meant that it was formed through compromise.  Each partner giving and taking as needed -- hopefully in a fashion that didn't make the other feel like a loss has occurred.  Growing up, I understood that to be a good partner you had to forgoe something and your partner would do the same to meet you in the middle.  All in all, it felt like both partners had to settle for the best situation they could negotiate.  Settling. 

Of late, I have had the wonderful opportunity to begin a relationship.  This relationship feels different to me.  While, I have to admit, it has only been a few weeks, this feels completely different.  I haven't looked at him, us or our time together and made any trade offs at all.  No he is really great but ...and I can overlook that . No I wonder why he does that...and I wonder if I can teach him to stop. No I wonder if I can slip that out of his wardrobe without him noticing that it is gone. 

I have been feeling quite at ease with everything.  The pace feels natural, not rushed or dragged.  The level of intimacy feels right.  All of our social, intellectual, and emotional engagements have felt fulfilling and natural.  I am at ease with where this relationship is today.  I don't feel the need to speed it up or take it down.  I don't feel the need to explain why we are together or why this guy.  I just feel.....settled. 

This has brought a new understanding; a new perspective on relationships.  I am not sure that I have ever felt settled in a relationship.  I have had previous relationships with wonderful people that have added rich color to my life...and I will always be grateful for them.  Some of them are still in my life...others have sadly slipped away.  (Perhaps a side effect of settling?)  However, I have often tried to manage, control, negotiate and/or protect a relationship (because it felt fragile?).  I make no promises or predictions of what happens next other than I am feeling completely in this moment, loving every second of it and feeling great in my skin....Settled. 

Courage

Several months ago I posted an entry here on my blog about judging people and how my awareness was heightened.  One of my readers posted a comment stating that s/he felt that judged by me.  Several of my other readers responded to defend me but I found the inital comment to be quite insightful.  That poster had decided to remain anonymous during this discussion.  I stated I would love to know who the poster was if the poster ever felt the desire to discuss the actual situation directly with me...for my own learning and growth and the opportunity to make it better for him/her.  I could never figure out who the poster was....

...until yesterday.  Yesterday, the poster commented to me and self identified and was able to give me some detail about what was behind the post.  I have been thinking about it with great intensity and really trying absorb the new information.  I was told that one of the concerns of the poster was that I had greater social power.  This was a concept that I had to chew on for a while...and continue to do so.

So, to the poster....and now we both know who you are...thank you for the courage of your original post...and for identifying yourself to me.  You can take credit for an important part of my personal growth.