sands through the hourglass

2011 is coming to a close...all too quickly.  It amazes me that the older I get, the faster time passes.  I tried to explain this to the kids, but ... oh well.

Every New Year's Eve, I make the same resolution:  To improve my mind, my body and my spirit.  Let's review.

I studied and passed my LICSW exam.  I have such terrible test anxiety and this was a huge hurdle for me emotionally.  This has allowed me to really put my career into a new perspective.  I changed my understanding of what my job meant to me and as a result, was able to change my attitude and approach, which led to greater trust and involvement from my boss.  I started a private practice and have been working diligently to get through all of the insurance boards so that I can build something by me, for me, that will eventually sustain me.

I met a great guy.  Joe has become an integral part of our family.  The children are extremely attached to him and he to them.  He has been a good and reasonable sounding board when I need to think through the tough parenting moments.  A true partner.  I am very thankful for him.

I have been fortunate enough to have really amazing friends that have gotten me through the tough, funny, sad, ridiculous.

I committed to run a marathon...and raise a ton of cash for charity.  This wacky idea has put me back into the gym and my muscles are developing and I feel stronger.  It has been a good message for the children and we talk about giving back.  I have already raised the minimum amount required and still have more than three months to go.  I can see the good in people...people I have never met that are donating to this.

So...long story short.  This year, I met my resolution!  I did it!  Tomorrow night I will make my resolution for 2012:  To improve my mind, my body and my spirit.  Let's hope that 2012 ends as great as 2011.  

Changing times, Changing paths

I don't know if it is just the time of year, or that my journey has taken me to the next stage of "What the hell do I do now?"

I have been lucky to have a very amazing, interesting and fulfilling career path, where I meet stimulating people whose life stories never cease to amaze me.  However, lately I have been thinking about what my next big step is.  As many of you know, I have recently started the process to grow a private practice.  I think the combination of the stress of my day to day job and the randomness under which it is all managed as really made me start to think that I need to restrategize how to move forward.  It has become clear to me that I am in a bit of a pigeonhole and won't find my way out anytime soon unless I make some drastic moves.

So...It looks like I am going to throw caution to the wind...again.  I am setting a deadline to be up and fully functional at a much faster rate than I had planned.  I think being my own boss, doing work that I love and being able to be more responsible to my family's changing needs has all led to this decision.  More to come!

Blase...it is more than a cafe in PTown..

So...here I am at work.  Feeling blase....  I wish I felt more motivated to get things done.  I don't.  I wish I felt like writing more to figure out my lack of motivation.  I don't.  More later...

Catharsis

Last night I had a parenting moment.  A real moment.  One I will never forget.  My son, who is turning 11 in February, showed me maturity, depth, kindness, consideration and attachment in ways that I could only hope to possess.

The past few months have been stressful with Michael.  Attitude, behaviorally challenging and pre-teen angst.  Or at least that is what I was naively attributing his challenges to.  I was wrong.  Something set him off last night. I stayed calm and told him that he was in control and that he alone would determine how the rest of the night would develop.  If he could control himself, it would be a good night, if he couldn't, well....  At one point he told me that I lie to him.  About everything.  That I never tell him things and he had questions.  Rather than being defensive (which is so easy to do), I told him that we could talk after I put his sister to bed.

We sat calmly at the kitchen table and he talked about and asked questions about my relationship with my brother (with whom I have no contact), the divorce, the custody agreements, my choices, the death of his grandfather, his views on my ex, his fear of the future and the mourning he feels for his "perfect family" that has been broken.  At several times during the conversation, he would start to cry as he sat there calmly...talking.  Flooding.  Unloading. Unpacking.  He had amazing insight and wisdom that I didn't give him credit for.  He did it all with a sensitivity that showed his allegiance to both parents and his sister.  He was able to clearly articulate his pain and grief, his sense of loss and concern, his hope for the future.

As his father, I was stunned, amazed, honored that he would share all of that with me, and proud of his ability to brave and articulate about such personal and emotional matters.  He went from boy to man in my eyes.  I know so many adults that couldn't do what he did last night.  I will never look at him the same way again.

When he was done, he said, "And Dad, that is why every night when I go to bed, I yell 'I love you'.  If you die in the middle the night, I want that to be the last thing you hear."  I am a better man today for the lessons I learned last night. 

So I realize that I have been writing this blog for more than a year.  I actually never thought it would last more than a week or two if we are being honest.  But here I am, still putting my mind's wanderings for everyone in the world to read, judge, be entertained (or bored) by.  I often wonder who reads these random musings.

Every once in a while someone will leave a comment, or send me an email.  The most surprising was an email from my mother.  The most thought provoking was when an anonymous reader commented (and reflected back to me) my own behavior.  While I may not always agree with the reactions of the reader, they are not my reactions.  But, I certainly like to know them.

I started this blog to help me sort out the narrative I always have running in my head.  It was by me and for me.  Now that I have readers, I wonder what they get out of it.  Maybe they are also trying to figure out that insane narrative in my head.  

The best way to really learn about who you are...is for your kids to tell you.  Unfortunately, they usually tell you in ways that aren't always the easiest to hear.  I have been trying lately to really parent my kids in the way they need to be parented rather than in the way that I want to parent them.  This is no easy task my friends!

My kids tell me that I am ruining their lives, that I don't listen, that I talk over them, that I am quick to react, that I push too hard.  (For the record, these are all the things I say about them as well...)  I am trying to slow down, take things in the moment without planning too far in advance, letting go of the things that really aren't that important, and trying not to hold on so tight (which is the hardest of all.)

I can't tell if it is that I am fearful of what will happen if I let go or if I am just terrified that I no longer have any babies and my role is less important in the immediate moment.  What happens to me when my children don't need me and my constant vigilance every minute of the day?  Have I outlived my usefulness?  Of course, reading this, I know it all sounds a bit crazy, but that is raw emotion that I get sometimes.  I waffle between being too strict and too lax.  Neither feels good and I can't seem to get the right middle of the road to go down. I tell myself that "some day they will thank me!"  (They will...right?)  

This will come back to you....

There comes a time when you can tell that something has clicked in someone's head.  The lightbulb is there. The facial recognition is there.  It is an amazing thing to see.

This happened this morning.  Michael woke up in an particularly agitated mood.  He just couldn't seem to remember house rules and as such, was "reminded" gently.  However, his reaction wasn't so gentle and he found himself on the losing side of an argument with Big Daddy.  (Which of course he blamed me for as he screamed at me from his room after calling me a "loser" and told me that it didn't matter because later in the week he was going with Little Dad.  Hmmph.)  Ultimately, when he finally calmed down he felt the need to tell me that I was being a bit harsh.

Here is my philosophy.  He lives in my house, by my rules.  It is not a discussion.  I explained this to him.  I asked him how many times he had heard me remind him about the rules in the past.  He wanted to come out of his room and I told him that I wasn't ready yet.  He sat in his doorway and said that he understood why he was in trouble and was able to articulate every misstep and faulty choice.  It is the first time that he has been able to do that.  He then stated that the problem is that he needs to practice making better decisions in dealing with his anger and frustration.  We discussed what some of those options were.

Result?  Punishment stands.  I got a hug and he told me he loved me.  I tackled him.  Hugged him, told him that I loved him and made him a promise that I would relive this with him when he had his kids.  

When you google yourself...

you find the most amazing things.  You know what I mean...you have all done it (and those that haven't are lying...that actually sounds like something else...)

So I googled myself, as I am inclined to do from time to time to ensure there is nothing about my in stratosphere that I should be concerned about.  I found a few things that were interesting.

1.  I was quoted in a book that I was unaware about.  Knitting into the Mystery: A guide to the shawl-knitting ministry, used a quote from me from another piece that I had published.  I was always excited to say that I had published, but now I am quoted!  Yee Haw!

2.  There is nothing available that would stop me from running for President.  Not that I am running or that the material doesn't exist...it just didn't come up on a standard google search.

3.  None of my really fat pictures showed up.  Whew!

Now...go google yourself.  You know you want to.  No judgments from me!

Connections

This weekend was an event that my family looks forward to every year.  The Moldova Family Reunion.  When I went on that amazing adventure to Eastern Europe to meet my son and bring him home, I was fortunate enough to share that experience with three other families.  The Murphys, The Burkes, and The Leos.

Having lived through the nerves, the trauma, the frantic moments bonded us together in a way that I  never expected.  We have truly become a family.  We, unfortunately, only get together once or twice a year. But, every time we do, it is like a love fest.  We gush over our children and how big they have gotten, we relive the same stories about the journey every time, we eat great food, Trish has something home-made for everyone, we take pictures and swap stories about how we have gone from having babies to children to pre teens that are embarrassed by us before we have to leave, sad that the day has ended far too quickly.  These children from our journey, and their siblings that have become such an important part of our clan.

These amazing people have touched me and my family, with open acceptance and love, in a way that no one else has.  We have a shared history and I would have it no other way.

It was inevitable

It was inevitable.  It had to happen.  I knew it was coming eventually but one never expects it when it actually happens.  Then you get surprised and flummoxed (again, my favorite word!).  Then you think, how do I deal with this?  How do I respond?  Oy, the drama of the first real disagreement!

It really was about nothing that significant on the outside, but things just seemed to get heated really quickly.  I am not sure why.  It all started like a good, thoughtful conversation and then all of a sudden neither of us thought the other was really listening and we started to "make our point."  That is when things go down hill.  Ego.  Right smack in the way.  It felt like it was more important to both of us to ensure that the other one understood us than it was to sit back and listen and acknowledge what each other was expressing, in emotion as much as words. 

This was a good learning lesson for what this relationship can manage.  Here is what I learned:

• I am thankful that I have a partner that is willing to communicate that he is unhappy (frustrated or any other emotion) and doesn't just roll over and play dead
• I have to readjust my approach so that he knows I really am listening
• I have to be careful so that I don't sound preachy when I feel like I am not being heard
• If I am not feeling heard, stop.  Try something new and check in for understanding.  I might not have had to go so far if he really did hear me.  Perhaps I was stressing something that didn't need to be stressed. 
• Reconfirm that the emotion in the moment is just that.  In the moment.  It doesn't dictate my overall feelings or my opinion of our relationship. 
• I am so glad we are over this hurdle.  It is so much better than waiting for that first disagreement! 

Seeing old friends

Last night I had dinner with an old friend that I never get to see often enough.  Michelle is one of those friends that even though we don't see each other frequently enough, it is always like I saw her yesterday.  There is never a period of "reconnection".  We swapped personal stories both funny and sad.  We talked about what really matters in life.  I always learn something new from her everytime I see her. 

This week, I also had lunch with an old friend from high school.  Wendy comes from a very different period in my life, when life was much more challenging and felt less rewarding.  She always reminds me that people grow, thrive and survive.  Spending time with Wendy always make me realize how far I have come and how impressive she is as she travels her journey. 

I am thankful for these two women who really addeed value to my week. 

Reading between the lines...

OK...I am known for acting boldly...jumping ahead and taking risks. When you are a person that does that, you have to assume that not everyone will automatically jump on board with full support and excitement.  I had to laugh this morning when I started telling some folks that I decided to open my private practice and leased a space...Here are some of my favorites:

1.  Oh, I didn't realize that you were thinking of that... (translation:  Have you really thought this out?)
2.  What?  Are you kidding me?  (translation:  You have now lost your mind.  You need a therapist!)
3.  Are you sure you are ready for that? (translation:  don't go fucking up people's lives!)
4.  And when do you think you can fit this in? (translation:  And when do you think you can fit this in?)
5.  Really?  Wow!  That is so exciting! (Translation:  I am really happy for you!  You will be great!)


I think I am ready for this.  I have gone between #1 and #2, #2 and #4, #4 and #3 and back to #1...several times.   I am now at #5 (for today!)

New starts ... again

For those of you that are loyal readers (and I love you for that!), you know that I have been going through a very long period of trying to figure out who I am, where I belong and what I want.  Along with that also comes the other difficult tasks, such as figuring out what I am afraid of, how I self-sabotage my good intentions and how I need to increase my awareness.  Clearly no small feat!  It is a battle that I win on some days...and die a tragic death on others.

One of the big dreams I have had was to better understand what my role is and how my strengths will bring me there.  I have tried new parenting techniques this weekend, and got great results.  (Yes, I did slip into some old bad patterns and behaviors and received harsh reminders that my ego was not being enjoyed by my children!  Hey...learning takes time!  I will get there!)

I also made another major step!  I signed a lease for an office sublet to open my private practice!  It is a beautiful office, fully furnished and ready to go!  This has been a dream of mine for many years.  I have worked toward this goal for the past five years and am thrilled that I can see my hard work starting to pay off!  I know it won't be easy.  I will make the best choices I can and hope that I am really helping others when the day is done.    But for now, I am excited for the opportunity to get started.  I feel like I am on a path to reclaiming a greater degree of independence and control over my future! 

(So....if you happen to know anyone that could use a great therapist in the greater Boston area....)

It is amazing that when I have a touch of awareness...how many things change perspective.  At work, I went in with my new "keep my ego in check" awareness.  I had an interaction with a co-worker that was so clearly about her own lack of self confidence and discontent.  Normally, I would have had a much more personal reaction to it.  Instead, I really felt for her.  I gave her the space to vent out what she needed to (as she clearly wasn't listening or actively participating in the conversation that was happening in the moment) and left the situation thinking I think/hope that made her feel better rather than How dare she talk to me like that! 

At home, I was mindful to parent the kids based on what they needed versus what I needed.  We had a really wonderful, pleasant and enjoyable night.  OK...note to self...Get out of my own way!!

So, a new day...

I am still thinking a lot about what I wrote yesterday.  I am incredibly aware of how much I am in my own way. It seems that my eyes are open in a different way.  I am noticing how people react to me...how I react to people.  How my body feels physically and emotionally.  I think I may have really tapped into a different understanding of the day to day and feel like I can't just put it aside.  (Just bear with me for a while as I figure this out...)

It is like when you buy a new car...and then as you drive down the road, it seems that everyone is driving that car.  My awareness has been sharpened on a few things.  I was talking with Joe last night about how I parent my children based on my needs, not theirs.  I contemplated this and I realize that I interact with others based on my need, not theirs (or least not in unison of our mutual need...).  No wonder everything feels like it takes more energy than it should...because I am expending more energy than I need to!

Someone at work told me last week that he thought I was hungry for power and status to satisfy my ego (not in a "you are a bad person way" but in a "I think you are eager to accomplish things and have status" way.)  I was shocked.  I told him that my ego wasn't that big and that I was just focused on the task at hand.  And, yes...accomplishment was big for me.  I don't like to be stagnant.  I must always be in motion.  But, why?  Maybe my ego does need a certain amount of constant feeding and I need to be aware of that so that I can stop being driven by it.

Insights anyone?  

Getting out of my own way

I spend a great amount of time trying to improve who I am, how I live my life and how I guide my family through all that is in front of us.  Some days I feel great accomplishment and find equal amounts of joy and satisfaction in what my new learning and awareness means to me.  However, I am also aware that there is so much more that I must go through to be able to fully live in a connected and self actualized way.

I find that I am still in great need of acceptance from everyone I meet, feel great injury if someone doesn't like me or says something harsh to me, find that my parenting is often driven by my own needs rather than the needs of my children and the reality is harsh to me.

When people at work say attacking or unaccepting things to me and I feel/act defensive, when I make snap reactions to Michael's behaviors and comments, when I mismanage my budget by buying products that I don't need or want because I need to feel a satisfaction, I realize how unaware I still am on a daily basis.  Every once in a while, when I have a moment to sit and think about it, I realize that I am my own worst enemy.  I cause most all of the anxiety, stress and emotional unease in my life.  I have to learn to get out of my own way so that my life can continue on the projection it is intended.  I know that this awareness will come and go...but for today, I am mindful.

Parenting through the tough times

Yesterday was a day that the children and I will remember for the rest of our lives.  Tony's father died at 5:30 am from kidney failure.  Papa was an amazing man that really showed me what a commitment to family really meant, the power of a committed relationship and so much more.  One of the greatest losses of the divorce was the regular contact with the extended family.  I was so pleased and comforted to know that my children would have these people in their lives to guide and support them.

Michael shed many tears in a soulful cry that I had never heard from him before.  He was shifting from unconsolable to coping with maturity and grace.  He then sat and wrote his Papa the most amazing letter discussing his sadness, confusion and memories.  Olivia went from crying to forgetting.  I reminded her that when she would go to Nana's house, Papa wouldn't be there anymore.  She started to cry and said that she would give Nana extra kisses and hugs for Papa.  These are the reasons I love my children and what makes parenting through tough times more manageable. 

Tony and I made a plan for how to manage this tragic and sad moment that would support him and his family and provided enough guidance and structure for the children.  We explained what they should expect at the wake and funeral, negotiated a schedule that allowed Tony to take care of the business he needed to (and spend time with his grief with his family) while ensuring the children were given guidance and loving support. 

It all comes together when it has to and I am reminded that parenting (and co-parenting) can bring a family together when it is most important. These are the times I am humbled. I am just so saddened that we had to lose such a wonderful man that gave us all so much.

It is serious now

This week, I was officially put on the Boston Marathon team for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  I was excited...then scared.  It is all real now.  Talking about running a marathon and raising money was great in theory, but now I feel the heavy burden of it all!  I am happy I am doing it, but I am not yet fully confident of my ability to complete it.  I am sure that is part of why I am doing what I am doing.

I have put up my fundraising page ( http://pages.teamintraining.org/ma/boston12/ekronenfel )and some friends have already started to donate (I am sooo very thankful!).  I am 3% toward my goal.   I have approximately six months to raise my goal of $8000.  Which in the beginning, I thought would be easy.  However, in this economy, the reactions are slower and the contributions all the more meaningful because I know how much people really have to make stricter decisions on how they use their limited free cash. 

From the training perspective, running has become more serious.  I am now feeling guilty if I am not running at least three times a week.  I am trying to break up what I am doing for training, but am concerned that I am not seeing increased mileage.  (I am hovering at about 6 miles per run.)  I am sure that when I start actively working with the team and the coaches, changes will happen. But for now, I feel the knees, the toes, the heels, the hamstrings....and I am only at six miles.  All I ask is no pictures please as I head up Heartbreak Hill.  I won't be pretty.

Tick tick tick tick tick tick

I am in London.  It is 12:15 am.  I can't sleep.  I am exhausted.  I haven't had a full, uninterupted night sleep in more than two weeks.  I am beginning to go crazy!  I have been grinding my teeth so bad that my dentist said I cracked a molar and I now have to wear a night guard (How sexy is that?)

I want to sleep.  I need to sleep.  Why can't I sleep?  I just lay here and listen to the clock ticking by......Tomorrow is going to be a looooooong day......

I am not done yet

You know when you are just sitting on the couch and all of a sudden you get a moment of reality.  It could be about anything at all...like I forgot I have cookies in the oven or I haven't seen my blue, french cuff dress shirt in a while...where is that? I often have those moments and they drive me crazy.  All of a sudden I get obsessed, focused and can't think of anything else.  I had such a moment the other day.  What raced across my mind?  O. M. G.  I am on the downhill slide....my life is more than half over.  What have I forgotten to do? 


OK...Those that really know me know that I have a small love of the dramatic...but this really sent me for a tizzy.  I started thinking about my quality of life, how I am managing my relationship with my kids (will I have enough time to rebuild any damage I do to them?), my work/life balance, losing weight, flossing, etc. etc. etc.  I actually had to stop and breathe because I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate a bit.

My biggest fear is that it will all be over before I am done.  I know this is probably because my father died only three years older than I am now.  I know that he died feeling unaccomplished.  We discussed it.  I never want that to happen.  I don't want to miss the big moments with my kids.  I want to see where this relationship with Joe really can go.  I want to get a stronger handle on my contributions professionally.  I want to feel good in my body.   I don't want to floss more but want to have the history of doing it.

So, I have been making decisions, small and large to start making more forward movement.  I started taking a bigger assessment of my career and what comes next.  I registered for the Boston Marathon and committed to making my body ready.  And...I have flossed everyday since....

The day has come

The transition that I have been dreading has finally come.  Ava, the nanny that has been with us since Olivia was born is working her last week.  She is off to find a new family.  Olivia, contrary to what she believes, is off to kindergarten.  I am such a mix of emotions.

I am proud that Olivia has grown into such a capable and loving child.  However, Ava has become one of our family.  She has always been there.  She did as much raising and tending as I have...and sometimes more.  She is the one that got our kids through the mess of divorce by providing strong consistency, managing the disparity that caring for children of divorce brings.  She played neutral and allowed our children to be neutral during tough times.  She taught Olivia everything she needed to know to make this big step.  She showed Michael a tender, loving and forgiving sense of guidance when he needed it.  She was a tremendous back up for me when I needed another set of hands, a diversion, or a new perspective on what has been the reality for my kids.

We are all devastated that this time has come.  Ava...if you read this, know that you are loved.  You will always be a part of our family.  We will never forget you because we will carry you with us always.  You have changed each and every one of us.  We love you.

My newest published work!

I am so excited!  I got an email from the publisher and author of the book that I just contributed a chapter to regarding egg donation and the GLBT community.  This is obviously something that I feel quite passionate about and have much to say.  They responded that they loved my chapter and felt that it needed very little editing.  The comment that I loved the most was "You are a writers dream.  Our hero.  Amazing.  Hats off.  We'll be sending you the "rough" finalized version for approval once we've done our additions and a few tweaks. We love you. Seriously.  No, seriously..."  Now, I know this sounds like gloating (it is on many levels) but it made me feel so good that I wanted to share!  This will be my third published work!!  Yay!!!!


I can't wait for the book to hit the shelves!  

It feels different

Having passed the LICSW exam feels different.  I feel accomplished.  I feel like I have true credibility. I know that must sound a tad crazy because I am doing the same work with the same people, but passing that test really means something to me.  I am proud of myself. 

But...and there is always a but....

I am already starting think about what big brick wall I will bang my head against next.  What is my next big challenge.  I wish I could just enjoy the moment...the stress free existence.  But my brain works overtime.  What is my next accomplishment.  How will I challenge myself now?  I am so afraid of slipping into a rut.  I need to learn to just be in these times.  It just isn't in my nature....

A Feeling of Accomplishment

Well...I did it!  I gathered up all of my emotional strength and worked through all of the anxiety...and took AND passed my LICSW exam.  The buildup was terrifying, soul rattling and, safe to say, a bit obnoxious to all those around me.  In hindsight, I was overprepared, wholly capable and my own worst enemy. 

For weeks -- years actually -- before I took the exam, this was the goal.  I left my good job in big business to be a clinician.  An LICSW.  To do work that was really important to me.  When I went back to grad school, I knew that this day would come and I couldn't wait for it.  However, as the day started to loom, I started getting test anxiety, self-doubt and buckets - o - stress.  I was beginning to become fixated on whether or not I was going to be good enough to take the exam.

Yesterday morning, I went to the testing center at my appointed time, only to be told that the test would need to be rescheduled because the testing center wasn't able to load my exam in the appropriate time slot.  I lost my mind.  After walking out of the test center and venting...I marched back in and advocated for myself stating that I needed to take the test today.  The thought of having to ready my psyche again...and keep studying to keep the edge just wouldn't work for me.  They allowed me to test and I did really well.  Better than I thought I would. 

Now I feel accomplished.  I have reached the goal that I have envisioned for more than five years.  I have lots of options now.  I can continue to build my career of choice.  However, that isn't why I feel truly accomplished.  The real reason is that when I had children, a few of the lessons I wanted to teach my children is to have a career that you are passionate about, that the money will come when you do, always value education and believe in you.  Showing my children that I was nervous and scared, that I could work through the anxiety, that studying brings good things to you, that staying on course and working hard through difficult challenges will bring you big rewards and that I put my words into action -- these are important things.  That Michael told me he was proud of me -- that is why I feel accomplished.  My son is proud of me.  There is nothing higher.

A peaceful day

So, I am sitting at Joe's.  He just made a great chicken marsala dinner.  He is cleaning up afterward while I relax.  We had interesting chit chat (nothing too heavy, but with a sense of connection).  I have control of the remote (until he comes in and randomly starts changing channels).  The kids are having a good day.  I accomplished important work today (although it was crazy and insane and shouldn't have happened in the first place, but managed well just the same.)

A simple day full of good accomplishments and satisfaction.  Not too much to ask for...and so gratefully appreciated. 

Building confidence

So, it is Sunday night...the last night of my vacation with Joe and the kids.  In some ways, I am so tired from the sun, the running around, the late nights.  It is a good kind of tired because we had a terrific week and lots of fun.  But I am also emotionally tired because I am thinking of what is ahead of me.

Returning to work feels like a chore.  For the first time, I am really anxious about what is in store for me when I walk back into the office.  I have spent a good portion of today emotionally preparing myself for the return to work and the craziness that abounds.  I still love the work, but the ancillary craziness is a bit much.  I took a mental health break this evening to get perspective.  I looked back at where I was a few months ago what was different now. 

I have been studying for my exam and now feel confident that I will pass it. I have been asked to write a chapter in a book about GLBT parenting through assisted reproduction.  I am secure in my relationship.  My kids are thriving.  Sometimes just taking measure of what is really important and feeling confident in your journey is enough to get by.  Now, let's just see how much of this I can retain when I sit at my desk and open my email tomorrow!

Feeling accomplished

Today was a day of accomplishments.  Of course, never everything that I wanted to accomplish, but overall a good day of accomplishment.

I ran 6 miles today and felt great.  I took a practice exam and scored very high.  I have been asked to write a chapter in a book regarding assisted reproduction and I have it about a third complete. I had good time with Olivia.  Michael is feeling mature because he has had a ton of freedom this week (Thanks to Jared helping!) And of course...there is Joe.  Such a welcomed addition to our family.  He gets family...and we get him.  I am loving my little family!

There isn't a lot to say today other than I am tired...and it feels good. I like this kind of tired.

Just when I think I have it...

Just when I think I have it all figured out....it changes.  I try to maintain a civil approach.  I try to stay focused on what matters most.  I try to give more than I ask for.  I try to manage my expectations of what is possible.  However, I get frustrated. 

No one told me divorce was easy.  No one told me that divorce would feel good. I knew when the divorce was happening that it would be at least 15 years (until Olivia was 18) of constant negotiating, and trying to find a common peace.  It is not that easy. 

I am flummoxed.  (Isn't that a great word?)  I want to build a meaningful relationship with my ex ... one that works for all of us.  I don't know how to do it.  He seems so angry with me still.  I can understand.  I upended his whole existence.  I changed his world as he knew it.  I get it.  But, at some point, you have to move forward.  I want him to have a full and happy life.  I want him to enjoy every day.  I have no ill will toward him or the life he is trying to build.  Actually, I would like to celebrate it. 

In my special little world (where clearly I am the only person living...) I would actually like to be friends with him.  I always told him that it would be great if we could spend time together.  What a great lesson that would be for the children.  Now, I also know how unrealistic that is.  But it would be great if we could at least not feel like we are going into battle before every conversation or dread seeing each other.  Wouldn't it be nice to get a "Hi" at the beginning of an interaction or a "OK...Have a good day...I'll talk to you later" at the end?

He may never get over his anger with me.  He may never forgive me for asking for the divorce.  I am sorry.  Not for asking for the divorce, but for upending his life.  I have responsibility in all of it ... not sole responsibility, but I do acknowledge the role I played in the marriage and what I did that brought it to this point.  But it is mutual.  It would be nice if the ending could be mutually workable as well.

Learning from other's journeys

So…I have this friend who has been going through a really tough time for the past three years.  Harder times than I think I could have survived to be completely honest with you.  During the worst of it, he relied on me a lot.  He needed strong guidance and someone to carry the load.  I was happy to do it because he is such a great guy.

Then, as he got stronger and more capable of dealing with the trauma and hardship in his life, my role ebbed back into being a “friend” more than a “driver”.  This caused a seismic shift in our relationship because he felt abandoned and questioned my commitment to him.  I can only imagine what a frightening and lonely feeling that was for him.  We have since had discussions that, in my opinion, I have not abandoned him but my stepping back from managing situations for him is a celebration of his self efficacy and ability to make good choices.  And now, we can be very balanced friends. 

I know my friend reads this blog and nothing written here is new news to him.  But I think that every once in a while you have to tell someone that you are proud of them.  That you think their personal journey is one that serves as a learning lesson for others.  That you realize that life is still hard and there are major challenges to overcome – but that you know they can do it. 

Friend – I am impressed by how far you have come.  You have inspired me.   I may not be carrying you anymore…but I am always there for you.  

Reconnecting and revitalizing

It has been a particularly difficult week on many fronts.  (I do believe I did my fair share of bitching to those closest to me....)  I have been struggling to remain focused on what is important, to allow others to have their own experience -- which might be different from my own and to feel the grace that is in my life everyday.

It is that grace that was brought to my attention this week.  Those that have been in my life for many years may recall a wonderful time when I was doing long distance cycling to raise money for AIDS research and treatment. One of the most amazing things happened during that time.  I met a group of amazing knitters from all over the world.  The power of the internet brought us together to create amazing works of art in the form of blankets that were auctioned off and the proceeds were turned into research funds.  That autumn, I travelled to New York City and a large group of these knitters met me in Bryant Park for "Knitstock".  An amazing day that was filmed for television.  These women touched me by their humanity, generosity of spirit, their connectedness to something bigger than themselves and their acceptance of me.

Unfortunately, as often happens, we drifted apart as life overtook daily routines.  I often thought of them and wondered how they were doing, who was the recipient of their gifts and how lucky I was to have them for a while.  Then...as luck would have it.  They found me.  First one, then another...and guess what...many of them are still connected, and knitting, and relating.  It was like a homecoming for me.  I missed them.  Many of them I never met in person.  Some I met as I traveled around the country.  But, I missed them...and now we are together again.

It is people like this group of unlikely friends and knitters that remind me about the humanity around me.  That I am part of something bigger than my day to day existence.  That there are great people in the world.

Purlie Gurlies...It is so nice to see you again!!

Balance and Coping

I am a lucky man.  I have two wonderful children and a remarkable relationship that is blossoming into something more than I could have hoped for.  My job provides me with a living wage (although I would like to live a bit better...but wouldn't we all?)  I have a warm and welcoming home.  I have been able to see the world and have experiences that most of my friends will never be fortunate enough to have. 

However, I am feeling anxious.  I am in Florida with Joe.  He is blissfully sleeping and I am wide awake.  My level of stress and anxiety is particulary high tonight.  I am finding that some of the basic cornerstones of my ability to make it through each day are becoming more challenging.  My ex-husband has become far more inflexible in our scheduling...which results in additional challenges for my work and managing our kids.  Work is about change and reinvention these days...and that means that I have to make more difficult choices between earning a living wage and doing what is in the best interest of my children. 

I feel like I am not able to balance the important cornerstones of my life and as a result everything is feeling out of whack.  I am not coping well with this (hence being up in the middle of the night writing in my blog....)  My stress levels are extraordinarily high this week.  I worry about my kids and want to shield them from the challenges that are in front of us.  I worry about my job and how I will balance it and show that I have the appropriate commitment so I don't lose my income.  I worry about my ability to continue to negotiate and find a path forward with my exhusband when I have no control or influence on the situation.  I worry. I worry. I worry. 

A new kind of weekend

This weekend was an interesting new take on things.  No kids.  No schedule.  No pressure. Joe and I spent the majority of the weekend lazing and moseying around doing whatever was our fancy at the moment.  We saw a little community theater (A great production of Hairspray); some shopping (gotta love new white linen pants) and some good eating (with "The Girls" at Lam's after a great brunch at Thornton's!).   In the midst of this, all beds got clean linen, all laundry got done and ironing is complete.  Bathroom is immaculately cleaned (gotta love that guy!) and I worked out everyday with strong runs.

I think I like this new kind of weekend (although I missed the kidlings!)  I want more more of them!

Choices...and we all make them

So, it seems that lately anxiety and stress have been creeping back in.  Friends in crisis.  Exam stress.  Deepening relationships.  Oh yeah...let's not forget about parenting and work.

As a result, I have been letting anxiety manage my behavior and haven't been making the most rational of choices.  Yesterday, in particular, was a high anxiety/high stress day.  I let it cloud my thinking and made choices that should have, in reflection, been different.  Of course, once all of that comes to light, the natural reaction is embarrassment, a touch of shame, a slight loss of dignity, etc.

Today is a day of perspective.  Reassessing.  Learning from the missteps of yesterday.  That is how I behaved in the moment.  Today I will be better.  This being human thing really sucks sometimes.  

Be Uncomfortable

Last Sunday I completed my first organized run.  I did the Worcester Memorial 6K in memory of the six firefighters that lost their lives in the tragic Worcester fires eleven years ago.  While I have to admit, I did walk a small portion of it, I completed the race in 35:30 or roughly managing 9:30 minute miles.  I felt great about it.  Granted my muscles were sore all week from not stretching (my own error), but I felt accomplished.

Last night I went to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) awards dinner.  Joe was the host/emcee.  Listening to the stories of award winners, personal accomplishments and amazing research that is being done nearly brought me to tears on more than one occasion.  I left feeling reinvigorated, renewed and recharged to go put my running shoes on and hit the pavement.  This is why I will be running the Boston in April.

I hate when people ask me for money to support them in their charities.  It is not that I am cheap or don't want to give, but that I live on a tight budget and I hate to say no.  But, I must from time to time.  I wish I could give to every charity.  I can't.  Which one is the right one?  Which one is more deserving of my shekels?

That being said, I am training and training hard.  I have changed my diet.  I have started running...and as a non-runner, that is big!  (For you non-runners, I know you have an appreciation!)  I plan on running all winter.  In the snow.  In the ice.  In the wind.  In the cold.  Uphill.  Downhill.  And I plan on asking you all for money. Money that will help children with blood cancers.  Money that will keep fathers and mothers alive long enough to dance at their children's weddings.  Money that you are going to spend on ice coffee or a bagel or that funny little refrigerator magnet.  If I can run, you can support!  Give until it feels like good.   Be prepared.  I am going to ask.  Not today.  Not tomorrow...but soon.

I have been told to be comfortable with being uncomfortable as I train for the marathon.  I am okay being uncomfortable.  Be uncomfortable with me.

P.S.  I went running after work in the misty rain.  I didn't stretch enough.  My legs felt like tree trunks.  Michael totally shamed me.  I did about 3 miles with some hills.  Truthfully, I made it up the big hill but it killed me and I had to walk a bit after, but I did the distance.    I can't imagine doing this 9 times consecutively. 

Being good enough

I have always struggled with the concept of being good enough.  In high school, I was never in the "in crowd"...in fact, I wasn't in any crowd.  I have always struggled with being smart enough, thin enough, focused enough, secure enough, worthy enough.  I have been able to make improvements as I aged to be feel better about myself but every once in a while, those old feelings of "who do you think you are?" come back.  I have always wanted my children to be free of those feelings.

Today I had an interesting interaction with Michael.  He was extremely angry with me because I wouldn't let him do what he wanted to do.  We talked about how he hadn't met his responsibilities and accomplished what he needed to accomplish for the day.  Now, clearly some of that was parental expectation and limit setting -- which is perfectly normal and acceptable.  However, I struggled with how to do that while teaching a firm lesson and not breaking or shaming him.  It was an extremely difficult conversation.  One that Michael didn't seem to be getting.  He kept repeating how unhappy he was and how unfair I was being.  He discussed his unworthiness and lack of knowledge and ability.  It struck me right to the core.  I assured him that I thought he was perfectly capable of doing what needed to be done and that I loved him for who he is.  I told him that I knew he would make me proud, but would he feel proud of himself if he continued doing what he was doing?  He reiterated that he couldn't accomplish the goals that I had set out for him.

Fifteen minutes later I got a call from Michael.  (This was call #4 in an hour.)  He calmly told me how he had solved a difficult math problem that he had been working on all week.  He calmly told me that he was moving onto his next task and was excited to see me tonight. 

Parenting moment for the day.  Check.  Proud Dad.  Check.  More importantly -- a son with a stronger sense of self.  CHECK!

My next big challenge

My next big challenge is facing me squarely on.  It is one that I knew was coming, one that I tried to emotionally prepare for but now that the reality of it is here...I am stymied and trying to overcome. I am trying to study, take and pass my highest level licensing exam.  I am feeling incompetent, uneducated and unprepared. 

I know I have the ability to learn what I need, but I also have major test anxiety.  The exam covers every aspect of my profession from basic knowledge to direct application of methodology and treatment plans.  I have been working in such a niche market for so long that I haven't focused on so many basic aspects of mental health.  I have never worked in geriatrics, dealth with psychopharm, created a discharge plan, etc. 

To make this happen, I have started taking practice tests, studying, doing lots of deep breathing...

Will I pass.  Yes.  Will I have major anxiety until I do?  Yes.  These are the challenges that make us who we are.  Not always life threatening, but personal challenges that tell us that we can be more than we thought we were. 

A year in the life

I am sitting in Gothenburg, Sweden with a small break in my day and realized how much of the road I have been down in one year.  I felt the need to recollect:

1.  Last year at this time, I was starting a new position and struggling with the new responsibilities and new peer relationships at work.  Now, I am seen as a critical member of the leadership team and my opinion means something.  (This is not to say that I don't often get overruled...but at least I get listened to!)

2.  Last year at this time, I was battling with Tony and felt I wasn't sure if he would make good on the arrangements that we made.  Now, we battle significantly less because I am better at picking my battles, Tony has made good on all that was expected and there is no longer anything we can hold over the other.  We are officially finished.

3.  Last year at this time, the children were going through tremendous change and transition and feeling unsettled.  Now, both kids own their space, have grown in confidence and have learned to manage their parents with grace.

4.  Last year at this time, I panicked over the budget and how I would make things work.  Now, I worry about the budget...but there is no panic.

5.  Last year at this time, I was convinced that I would be single for a long time because I didn't have the time or patience to deal with a new relationship.  Now...there is Joe and alot of appreciation from me for all that he brings. 

6.  Last year at this time, I was surviving.  Now, I am living.

Another big week

It is a beautiful Spring day in New England.  Flowers are blooming.  Sun is shining.  People are alive!  I love this time of year.  It also causes me to be quite reflective.  That feeling of being alive and vital always makes me appreciate all that I have.

This week Olivia turned 5.  I was emotionally prepared for it but didn't expect that I would look at her differently.  I see the end of so many things.  The end of her innocence. The end of her free days as she prepares to enter school.  The end of our relationship with our nanny who has been with us since she was born.  I also see the start of so many things.  The start of real independence.  The start separation.  The start of new social circles.  I celebrate and mourn with it all.  This is, in part, what it means to be a parent. 

This week we celebrated Joe's birthday.  A first for my little tribe.  Joe has been blending in and becoming a a part of in such natural and beautiful ways.  It was great to see him and the kids decorate cupcakes.  For the kids to give him presents and for him to respond with gifts and appreciation.  I have a partner that relishes the role children play in the family and doesn't feel slighted that focus may be constantly shifting from one to another. 

Michael has been striving to achieve new levels of freedom and to do so has taken on greater responsibility and has been working harder on his relationship with his sister.  I am seeing the man he is becoming.  The startling fact is that I didn't expect this to emerge so early, but there it is.  He is forming in front of my eyes and I am enthralled at what I see. 

So today, I am taking a moment from my busy day to say that with all the stress, anxiety, frustration and worry....Spring has sprung and so have I. 

Disney...and more

I am in Florida and feel like I am walking on the surface of the sun.  It is so hot that I cant understand how people live here.  That small inconvenience aside, my tribe had a good trip to the South.  I usually come down with very low expectations, especially since the divorce.  I just find that there are so many dynamics to manage that I can't relax and have a good time. 

However, I am happy to report that other than a few minor (and slightly expensive) hiccups, the trip was one of the best we have had.  The children had an amazing time at Disney.  Watching Olivia have private conversations with Cinderella and Belle then testing her bravery on the Rocky Mountain Railroad and Splash Mountain; having Michael ask for special one on one time...and being able to give it to him at least once a day; staying on my diet (with the briefest of breaks when thoroughly enjoying a slice of Olivia's fudgy birthday cake!); running everyday with Michael (and beating him every time ~ although he blamed it all on the Florida heat...I am blaming it on good training!); seeing old family friends and reconnecting with my sister and her partner in a really wonderful way.

While I am exhausted and not prepared to get my kidlings up at 4:00 am to head to the airport, I think the trip was a success and one they will remember for a lifetime.  It was well worth the sacrifice and stress of trying to pull off something that was a bit beyond my means.  Tomorrow, we return to normal, living conservatively and focusing on the all the realities of our lives.  The joy of my family.

A weekend to remember

Every once in a while, I have a weekend that reminds me what is important, where I need to adjust and why making good decisions is important.  This weekend was one of those weekends.

The weekend included an email from a very special and dear friend who felt that I was becoming distant.  I so loved that he was able to speak his mind and share with me how he was feeling.  We spoke and reconnected.  Having friends that can tell you how they are really feeling is such a gift. 

The kids have been with Tony all weekend and I have been able to live "an adult life".  Being with Joe  has been a motivating and inspiring experience.  Joe has been volunteering and running with Team in Training for several years.  This organization raises millions of dollars for Leukemia and Lymphoma research and treatment.  The team runs the Boston Marathon each year -- which happened this weekend.  On Saturday we went to the marathon expo with all of the runners.  This made me want to run.  Then we attended the team's pasta party in preparation for the big run and heard amazing stories of courage, resilience and hope.  This made me want to do something and be a part of it.

After the pasta party, Joe brought me to PTown for a stormy (the weather...not Joe) night escape....which I desperately needed.  Sunday morning included a massage appointment and an easy ride home.  I came home feeling incredibly connected physically (thanks to Doug the massage therapist) and emotionally (thank to Joe!)

Watching the Boston Marathon with the other T in T volunteers was an unbelievable experience.  To see the elites was incredible, but to see the real people struggling at mile 16 and keep going  To see the blind runners and geriatric runners and the overweight runners...keep going.  I was inspired.  I am committing to run the Boston Marathon next year to be part of this adventure.  And, the adventure starts today.

The Hunger

I don't know what it is...but everyday at 3:00 I become ravenously hungry.  Not like..."Hey, a cupcake sounds yummy"...but a "If I don't eat right now I will collapse..."  I can't seem to shake it.  I am eating enough food....eating healthier but can't seem to get by 3:00.  I try to eat a kashi bar or something small to get over the hump, but it doesn't seem to work.  I wish my stomach had an on/off button. 

Training has begun!

So I am starting my second week toward my goal of running the marathon.  I have been rigid on my diet and am starting to see the results.  I am down 1.5 pounds but I am feeling different in my clothes.  I still have to be incredibly mindful of everything I eat and have been ritualistic about keeping my food journal up to date.

I did my first run of the season.  Michael and I ran 1.8 miles.  Not far but it was all hills.  I did well, although the end of the hills were getting tough.  I know that if I were doing the flats my time would have been better, but it felt good to get out there and run...just not with Michael.  He totally lapped me every step of the way, didn't break a sweat and when we were done he asked if he could go play soccer...like we had just gotten up from the couch.  In a strange way in motivated me because I want to push him in his running and show him that I have improved. 

I think a big part of my doing this is to give strong messages to my kids:

1.  Be healthy.  Get moving.  Take care of your body
2.  Accomplish something big.  Set a high goal no matter how unrealistic it may be and push yourself really hard to accomplish it.
3.  Remember that there are things that are bigger than you.  Be part of a community and do your part.
4.  This is something we can do together.  My kids love running track...and I want to run it with them!

It is only going to get easier...right?

An Interesting Rainbow

Today at the park my kids were out playing with the neighborhood kids.  There were two Pakistani brothers, a Japanese girl, two Croatian sisters, a Korean boy, an Italian brother and sister, a few Filipinos, a few Jewish Americans, my Roma Gypsy son and my melting pot of a daughter.  All playing together.  I love this neighborhood.

A new goal...

For those of you who know me well, you know that I like to make big goals and then kick down walls to make them happen.  Sometimes that works in my favor and sometimes....well...not so much.  So I have set a new goal.  I am going to run the 2012 Boston Marathon.  Now, I can hear you commenting already...but it has to happen.

For the past many months, I have been complaining that I can't get to the gym, exercising is hard, I battle my weight constantly.  I needed a hard goal.  Something to focus on that was bigger than my day to day struggles.  Hence, the marathon.  Joe the Beau is going to do this with me. 

For the past week, I have been meticulous on my diet.  I started the week at 196 pounds (Yes, I am going to blog about the whole experience and put the good, the bad and the ugly truths out there...).  Today I weighed in at 194.6.  My diet for the week has been focused on keeping under 2000 calories per day:

Monday, April 04, 2011
Breakfast:  Latte (85); banana (125); Yogurt (140); Granola (260) Total 610. 
Lunch: 2c Feta/Bean Salad (275); 2 Kashi bars (300) Total: 575.
Dinner:  Chicken burger, WW/Honey mustard (229); ketchup/cheese (114); green beans (50); Baked beans (300); latte (85) Total: 778
Daily total: 1963

Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Breakfast:  Latte (85); banana (125); Yogurt (140); Granola (260) Total: 610
Lunch:  Chicken burger, ww/honey mustard (229); 2c Feta/Bean Salad (275); Kashi bar (150) Total:  654
Dinner:  Stuffed WW pizza, green peas, cherry tomatoes (704) Total:  704
Daily total:  1968

Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Breakfast:  Latte (85); banana (125); Raisin Bran (190); 1c Skim (83)  Total:  483
Lunch:  1c Strawberries (49); yogurt (140); granola (260) Total:  449
Dinner:  Turkey cheese burger (220); yam (180); Salad (460); berry pop (60); coffee (45) Total:  965
Daily total:  1897

Thursday, April 07, 2011
Breakfast:  coffee (40); Yogurt parfait (320); fruit cup (140); latte (85) Total:  585
Lunch:  Coffee (15); small salad (30); grilled chicken (200); lentil soup (150);kashi bar (170) Total: 565
Dinner:  Salad (285); veg soup (110); orange (81); Total:  476
Daily total:  1626

Friday, April 08, 2011
Breakfast:  eng muffin, cheese, jam (255); coffee (20); Total:  275
Lunch:  1c Strawberries (49); yogurt (140); granola (260); 2 kashi bars (320) Total:  769
Dinner:  2 Chicken burger, WW/Honey mustard (458); ketchup/cheese (114); 2 English muffin (240) Total:  812
Daily total:  1856

I have been stretching all week.  Legs feel great.  The problem is the back.  I ran with Michael the other night for a VERY short jog and my back was killing me.  So, Joe and I have been researching back stretches and I have been doing them daily.  Today, my back feels so much better.  I will be sharing my training schedule once it really forms. 

Last week, I bought knee stablizer straps for my knees and a pedometer.  26.2.  I have run bigger races in my life!

Re-entry

After a long and sometimes insane trip through London and Dublin, I have returned to my bed.  This trip was truly exhausting.  While productive and successful from a business perspective, I couldn't wait to get home. And..what a great re-entry.

When I finally made it to Boston (after a day's travel delay), Joe met me at the airport.  I have only been picked up one other time by my friend Stephen.  For those that travel as much as I do, you will have an appreciation of what a luxury it is to be picked up at the airport.  Not to have to shuffle all of your luggage into a cab (which is usually less than clean and smells like the 500 other cab riders that came before you) and then to lug (hence the word "luggage") it all upstairs.  Having Joe pick me up, have a warm greeting and then assistance getting everything in and put away was...heaven. 

He brought milk (because Lord knows a good re-entry can only happen if I can have my coffee in the morning!)  and dinner.  After a nice turkey and bean chili, we just relaxed.  No rushing, no time frame...just a hot shower. 

Saturday morning brought a wonderful new experience.  Joe had volunteered for the Leukemia and Lymphoma group that runs the Boston Marathon.  This year, he has been managing all of the water stops for them...so up we got, to go hear the runners and support them on one of their last runs before the big race.  I was surprised that they weren't all "marathon bodies".  Trust me...there were a few that really defined human nature, but most were normal people that were part of something bigger than themselves.  The team gets full on coaching, seminars on running, gear, nutrition; and consistent mentoring.  I was moved by the level of commitment of regular people.  (Those of you who know me well know that I just eat this stuff up!)

A long afternoon nap then coffee with the girls.  A nice dinner and a little Shawshank.  A really great day...relaxing, motivating and inspiring all at the same time.  I feel rested, my brain is engaged without being overworked, I have eaten well, and today we go to the Boston Gay Men's Chorus.  I feel like have not just re-entered from my trip, but I am starting to re-enter into my life. 

All I want for Christmas is...

Clearly things have gotten a bit stressful this week.  I am travelling through London and Dublin for eleven days for work.  It has been a long and exhausting week.  Everyone has anxiety dreams when they are faced with periods of uncertainty, stress or pressure.  My favorites are when I am naked in a business meeting while everyone else is wearing suits...or I show up and I forgot that we were having a test and I didn't study.  I typicall will find a way in my dream to cover my nakedness or manage my way through the multiple choice.  Dream done.

However, last night's anxiety dream was the most horrifying dream I could have had.  I am sleeping at home (not my apartment but a nice brownstone which I have to admit, I would love to own!)  The house is immaculately clean.  Everything is put away orderly.  There is nothing out of place.  I wake up in the morning and the kids come running to me with arms open, lovingly.  So excited to see me.  And they stop immediately.  I don't have to ask them what is wrong because it hits me instantly.  It is Christmas morning and there are no Christmas decorations, no stockings, no presents. 

They children are stoic.  They don't cry.  They don't ask me what's wrong or why.  They just become quiet and go about their business.  I tell them to hurry and get dressed because we are going out to breakfast and then having a shopping spree at the toy store but they are less than interested.  I call people that are important to me to share my devastion. I wake up.

Now that I am awake, I am fairly confident that this is all about my being tired from this long trip (going home tomorrow).  I know that I would NEVER do this to my kids.  But, it was the most horrifying concept to consider. 

Big Daddy's Cub is Leaving the Nest...

There are some days as parents that you know your children struggle but it is a good thing.  A great learning lesson is had.  Children will grow from the adversity and become better people.  Stonger. More aware and vibrant.  While you want to swoop in and save them, you know that they have to handle it on their own.  Their ability to do so, shows that they are getting ready to break away and become fully formed people.  But it still sucks.

Yesterday, Michael in all of his joy and excitement saw two of his favorite neighborhood kids at the park and ran out to play soccer with them.  Instead of their usual sense of inclusion and good behavior, these kids told Michael immediately that they didn't want to play with him.  They wanted him to leave the park.  Michael, in all his bravado and sense of community, stayed and tried to ingrain himself into the game until the boys told him that he was annoying and unwanted.  I could see this unfold from window and knew something was up.  Michael calmly turned and walked out of the park.  By the time he came into the living room, he was in tears.  He couldn't understand why his friends would do this.  He couldn't think of anything he did wrong. 

I look at this with two different views.  First, my personal experience view.  I was never the popular kid. Michael is.  So, the meaning attached to this somewhat minor (in my opinion) event is different.  Because I was always the outcast, my reaction would have been "Of course you don't want me in the park...no one does...so go screw yourself!  I am going to do what I want!"  Michael's view was "No one has ever told me they didn't want to play with me and that I was annoying (except his sister who doesn't count).  I don't know what to do with these feelings!" Coaching him through it required a lot of new skills on my side!

The second view is the parent's view.  I wanted to go outside and kick their boney little asses.  How dare those overly entitled, arrogant, insensitive, thoughtless brats hurt my sweet and loving child?  Big Daddy was on a tear! (OK...for those readers that are concerned....I just glared at them out the window with laser focused disgust...but they never even saw me).

P.S. Later in the night, Michael was being less than kind to Olivia.  A simple reminder of his excursion in the park and he was sweet as pie to her!  Lesson learned.

Minding my business

Over the past few weeks I have fallen off my diet.  I don't think I have gained much, but I feel the sluggishness and scope creep happening.  I am making a public declaration that I am getting back to minding my business...and eating better!  So...if you see me with an eclair, a double stuffed baked potato or anything with creme fraiche...you have full authority to let me have it!!

Settled vs. Settling

I have always had the notion that being in a relationship meant that it was formed through compromise.  Each partner giving and taking as needed -- hopefully in a fashion that didn't make the other feel like a loss has occurred.  Growing up, I understood that to be a good partner you had to forgoe something and your partner would do the same to meet you in the middle.  All in all, it felt like both partners had to settle for the best situation they could negotiate.  Settling. 

Of late, I have had the wonderful opportunity to begin a relationship.  This relationship feels different to me.  While, I have to admit, it has only been a few weeks, this feels completely different.  I haven't looked at him, us or our time together and made any trade offs at all.  No he is really great but ...and I can overlook that . No I wonder why he does that...and I wonder if I can teach him to stop. No I wonder if I can slip that out of his wardrobe without him noticing that it is gone. 

I have been feeling quite at ease with everything.  The pace feels natural, not rushed or dragged.  The level of intimacy feels right.  All of our social, intellectual, and emotional engagements have felt fulfilling and natural.  I am at ease with where this relationship is today.  I don't feel the need to speed it up or take it down.  I don't feel the need to explain why we are together or why this guy.  I just feel.....settled. 

This has brought a new understanding; a new perspective on relationships.  I am not sure that I have ever felt settled in a relationship.  I have had previous relationships with wonderful people that have added rich color to my life...and I will always be grateful for them.  Some of them are still in my life...others have sadly slipped away.  (Perhaps a side effect of settling?)  However, I have often tried to manage, control, negotiate and/or protect a relationship (because it felt fragile?).  I make no promises or predictions of what happens next other than I am feeling completely in this moment, loving every second of it and feeling great in my skin....Settled. 

Courage

Several months ago I posted an entry here on my blog about judging people and how my awareness was heightened.  One of my readers posted a comment stating that s/he felt that judged by me.  Several of my other readers responded to defend me but I found the inital comment to be quite insightful.  That poster had decided to remain anonymous during this discussion.  I stated I would love to know who the poster was if the poster ever felt the desire to discuss the actual situation directly with me...for my own learning and growth and the opportunity to make it better for him/her.  I could never figure out who the poster was....

...until yesterday.  Yesterday, the poster commented to me and self identified and was able to give me some detail about what was behind the post.  I have been thinking about it with great intensity and really trying absorb the new information.  I was told that one of the concerns of the poster was that I had greater social power.  This was a concept that I had to chew on for a while...and continue to do so.

So, to the poster....and now we both know who you are...thank you for the courage of your original post...and for identifying yourself to me.  You can take credit for an important part of my personal growth. 

Riding the Wave

Riding the wave of good Karma has me looking to the future with new energy and a touch of caution. While caution isn’t always my usual modus operandi, I have found that the past two years has taught me to be more mindful in my decision making. As a result, better things happen


In the past few days, I have thoroughly loved the exploration of a new relationship with a man that has been a joy to get to know. I have met with my financial planner to create long term and meaningful goals about how to construct a future that feels valuable and important to me. And, I looked at some homes for sale (even though I am not ready to buy just yet.) It is kind of looking for an engagement ring when you are single, but just the same…fun to look. The children and I are finding more moments of connection and joy than usual.

So, for today, life feels great and I am enjoying this wave of good Karma. I am doing everything I can think of to ensure it continues!

Karma Baby!

Wow..the power of Karma never ceases to amaze me.  I am humbled by the forces beyond me.

Several weeks ago, everything seemed out of balance.  (See previous posts)  I was yelling at the kids all the time, struggling at work, feeling exhausted, not taking care of myself, making poor choices about daily living.  The result was an extremely unhappy, unsupported and frustrated me. 

After taking stock in my life, reassessing my situation and the choices I made, small alterations needed to be made.  The payoffs have been huge. 

Since those new awarenesses and changes, I am sleeping so much better.  I am not yelling at the kids (as much or inappropriately).  I am seeing big wins at work in peer relationships and professional credibility.  My pants are fitting better.  My bills feel more manageable.   I advocated at work to lessen my Spring travel schedule so that I can focus more on me.  AND I have found excitement in my personal life again. (First off, I am feeling like I have a personal life which is a huge improvement!)  And, a terrific someone has shown interest in me in a way that feels natural and realistic.  (Who knows what this means or what it could lead to, but I am thrilled for the "today" and am not planning any "tomorrows" ... yet!)

Karma...you can't fight it!

The Lesson of Balance

In the past few weeks, I have been challenged to keep better balance in my life.  I have been thinking alot about the struggles I have been having in my job, the stresses of being a single parent and the lack of personal life lately.  This combination certainly has not brought me to a content place. 

I have been pushing and driving so hard at work for the past year, feeling prideful and most likely getting a big head about it. It took the events of the past few weeks to really give me a reality check about what is happening in my life.  Let's break it down:

1.  My job

I have been pouring so much energy into my job.  Checking emails at night and on the weekend, responding at all hours.  Really pushing hard.  I think there are two reasons for it.  a) I don't like to fail.  The fear that I would not reach my goal was unthinkable.  This means that I didn't look at the goal as a team effort.  I owned it wholly and completely, so when good things happened, I took credit for it instead of sharing it as richly as I should have.  It also means that the goal was personal, not business.  I didn't allow for natural business cycles to exist and I tried to force the natural rhythms of business to my personal needs.  b) I was working this hard because I was feeling like I didn't have much else was happening in my life.  I was feeling pretty much like a failure in the sense that I didn't feel any forward movement.  Parenting was getting increasingly challenging as my children were coping with the natural changes in their own development while facing the realities of divorce.  Financial setbacks seemed to be a weekly event.  There was no personal life to speak of and I was getting increasingly isolated from my personal support network.  The only thing I felt I had control over was work -- so I drove as hard as I could.  The resulting stress and anxiety clouded my ability to make good decisions and as a result, I have found myself with some messes in the workplace that I now have to clean up.

2.  Finances

While I have been fairly responsible in my finances, there was still some fat in my spending.  As a result, I haven't been saving for longer term goals.  I realize that there is still some belt tightening that needs to happen in order to achieve the longer term goals.  Budget is going on a diet.

3.  The Kids.

I scream.  I hate it.  I need to stop screaming and taking my stress out on my kids.  Nothing more to be said.  I have already started employing new behaviours this week and am enjoying the changing results.  I love my kids.  They are amazing.

4.  My Personal Life

I am determined to have one.  Balancing my work life, taking energy and time from that for me must be done.  I realize now that the work goals are shared goals and I can't control them.  I am going to stop trying.  I am going to hire a babysitter once in a while.  When Dad goes down, the family goes down.  Time to take care of me.  My thought process is:  If I die next year, is this how I want my last year to be?  If I live another 50 years, is this the quality of life I want for that long?  The answer to both is no.  Time to change.  Time for balance.  Time for me. 

The half way point

Tomorrow Michael turns 10.  Double digits. Nearly ready for Middle School.  As I planned out how his birthday would be celebrated, a strange awareness hit me. 

I adopted him at 2.  He has been home for 8 years.  If he leaves home at 18, I only have 8 more years.  This is the halfway point of having him with me.  A stark reminder of why I have to cherish every single moment, notice every nuance, and celebrate the amazing person he is.  I love that kid...

Overdoing Strengths

Today I turn 46.  Even though most people, wouldn't consider 46 to be a major milestone...I do.  It represents for me a new level of awareness and awakening.  And, as life has shown me, learning, growth and awareness can have multiple feelings attached to it.

Recently, I was offered some feedback about my working style and how I manage myself and my responsibilities.  It wasn't feedback that felt good, but was very helpful and I was appreciative for it.  I have spent a good deal of time truly reflecting on how I carry myself and approach others.  Clearly, there is stsill a lot more growth to be done.

However, there was one interesting comment that has stuck with me.  I was told that pride I have been exhibiting in my work and the energy that I bring to the workplace is being interpreted as my feeling inadequate and having low self confidence.  At first, I thought....this person doesn't know me at all!  But as I reflected on the comment, I thought that there was truly something to it. 

I have always been known as a person that has extreme self confidence, isn't afraid of risk and will tackle any challenge.  This also leads me to be a bit intimidating socially and perhaps somewhat aggressive or forceful.  I know it ... and I see it.  Since the divorce, I have indeed felt injured and significantly more concerned about the future and my ability to lead my little tribe into it.  I think I have been relying on old behaviours to "fake it until I make it". 

I think I am beginning to realize that I am doing more faking and less making.  The more faking I do, the more I posture and overdo the strengths that I have (assertiveness, risk taking, driving forward in tough times) and those strengths become detriments.  I need to be more reality based, less focused on the accomplishments at work and status and spending significantly more time working on my own sense of peace and life balance.  This awareness has actually brought a significant amount of stress into a more manageable process.

I didn't like the feedback I have been getting. I needed it.  I am thankful for it.  I will make the same mistakes, but I am focused on not letting my own anxieties, stresses and fears drive my behaviours.  I am going to slow down, breathe more and and acknowledge my own ability to manage and let go of the rest.    Or at least, that is the plan for today.

It's Over...Finally

Well, after spending some time thinking about settling into my apartment, I started thinking more broadly.  This is bigger than making myself feel like I have a home even if I don't own it.  I realized that it was time for a change in perspective.

It's over...finally.  My divorce.  For the past two plus years I have living my life as a person that is going through a divorce.  As a result, I haven't been able to move on, I have been afraid of what was going to come (or not going to come), and everything seemed to be in relationship to how it was connected to my divorce.  It was time to finally take a deep breath and realize that I am not getting divorced.  I am divorced.  It is not happening.  It has happened.  Past tense.  Time to be situated in present and future tense.  What AM I doing and what WILL I do is very different from what HAS happened. 

It may sound strange or even simple, but once I said to myself that "as of today, I am divorced.  Period" I felt a huge weight lifted from me.  I instantly felt more confident and in charge.  I don't care that I am single.  I don't care that I have to carry the weight of the financial burden and leadership of this little tribe of mine.  In fact, I began to celebrate.  I felt ...not joy...but a satisfaction that I accomplished something and felt like a survivor instead of a person living through divorce.

The comfort in settling

One of the things that I kept saying after the divorce was that I would never settle again.  I would not be in a relationship by default, because it was offered to me or because there were no better options.  I would not be in a job that didn't inspire me or make me feel like I was making a difference.  I would not settle.

However, that being said, I have started to settle into my life which is something that I haven't been able to do for many months.  I have started to make my apartment my own instead of looking for a way out.  I have started to settle into a grow pattern with my kids and really looking at how to deepen and enrich those important relationships.  And, I have settled into being single. 

One of my major fears before, during and after the divorce was that I would be alone for the rest of my life...or at least for a very long time and that scared me.  All I could see was a middle aged, short, balding, weight challenged man with two young children and not a lot of cash in the bank.  Now I am truly feeling much more vital, comfortable with being single (although a loving and committed relationship would do a boy good...) and starting to feel that I am no longer "faking it in hopes of making it".  I think I am actually making it.  My confidence is stronger every day. 

I am out there meeting people.  The majority are an immediate hell no! However, I have met a few guys that could be good friends even if they aren't romantic matches.  And...every once in a while I meet someone that makes me go hmmmmmm....Maybe!!

So I am learning that there are some aspects of life that I should never settle for...and others that require my settling in order for me to get ahead.  Learning this lesson makes me feel settled.  Weird...

Casa Elliott

After being in this apartment for 16 months, I have come to the resolution that I am not going anywhere soon. I guess when I moved in, I only expected to be here a year or two.  I now realize that I will be here for quite a while.  That is okay but it requires some change.

This apartment, while roomy and a great situation financially and logistically, is locked in 1971.  I haven't put any time, resources and design into it.  As such, it hasn't felt like home.  I have come to the understanding that I am tired of coming here at the end of the day and feeling like I am at someone else's apartment.  I must claim my space, make it my own and make peace with the fact that I don't own my own home anymore, that it will be time before I will again and that I can do better here than I have been allowing myself.

I have spent the weekend moving furniture, picking up some new pieces, getting things on the wall, cleaning, organizing and ... wallah!  I am already starting to feel like this is my space.  I am ordering some new furniture and I am excited for it to arrive...Casa Elliott is blooming!

Now on to my next project...I want to organize a flash mob...anyone with me?

New Year New Starts

So the New Year celebration has come and gone (and my mess in my house is proof!).  I spent the festivities at home with my children, my friend Stephen and his children and my friend George and his children.  We had excessive amounts of Chinese foods, cake, hot cookies, movies, noise, games...and a pitcher of margharitas.  Everyone slept over and we got up to a hot breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and lots of coffee.  We rounded out the day by everyone going to the movies. It was a really great day for everyone.  I began the new year with hope and inspiration for what is ahead of me.

I feel like this is the year of more big choices, decisions and transitions.  I see major shifts coming in my job, in my family and in my personal life.  Some of the changes I can already start to define...others I just feel looming.  I enter into this next period with flexibility, openness and greater insight.  Here's hoping I don't screw it up.