Last night I had a parenting moment. A real moment. One I will never forget. My son, who is turning 11 in February, showed me maturity, depth, kindness, consideration and attachment in ways that I could only hope to possess.
The past few months have been stressful with Michael. Attitude, behaviorally challenging and pre-teen angst. Or at least that is what I was naively attributing his challenges to. I was wrong. Something set him off last night. I stayed calm and told him that he was in control and that he alone would determine how the rest of the night would develop. If he could control himself, it would be a good night, if he couldn't, well.... At one point he told me that I lie to him. About everything. That I never tell him things and he had questions. Rather than being defensive (which is so easy to do), I told him that we could talk after I put his sister to bed.
We sat calmly at the kitchen table and he talked about and asked questions about my relationship with my brother (with whom I have no contact), the divorce, the custody agreements, my choices, the death of his grandfather, his views on my ex, his fear of the future and the mourning he feels for his "perfect family" that has been broken. At several times during the conversation, he would start to cry as he sat there calmly...talking. Flooding. Unloading. Unpacking. He had amazing insight and wisdom that I didn't give him credit for. He did it all with a sensitivity that showed his allegiance to both parents and his sister. He was able to clearly articulate his pain and grief, his sense of loss and concern, his hope for the future.
As his father, I was stunned, amazed, honored that he would share all of that with me, and proud of his ability to brave and articulate about such personal and emotional matters. He went from boy to man in my eyes. I know so many adults that couldn't do what he did last night. I will never look at him the same way again.
When he was done, he said, "And Dad, that is why every night when I go to bed, I yell 'I love you'. If you die in the middle the night, I want that to be the last thing you hear." I am a better man today for the lessons I learned last night.
The past few months have been stressful with Michael. Attitude, behaviorally challenging and pre-teen angst. Or at least that is what I was naively attributing his challenges to. I was wrong. Something set him off last night. I stayed calm and told him that he was in control and that he alone would determine how the rest of the night would develop. If he could control himself, it would be a good night, if he couldn't, well.... At one point he told me that I lie to him. About everything. That I never tell him things and he had questions. Rather than being defensive (which is so easy to do), I told him that we could talk after I put his sister to bed.
We sat calmly at the kitchen table and he talked about and asked questions about my relationship with my brother (with whom I have no contact), the divorce, the custody agreements, my choices, the death of his grandfather, his views on my ex, his fear of the future and the mourning he feels for his "perfect family" that has been broken. At several times during the conversation, he would start to cry as he sat there calmly...talking. Flooding. Unloading. Unpacking. He had amazing insight and wisdom that I didn't give him credit for. He did it all with a sensitivity that showed his allegiance to both parents and his sister. He was able to clearly articulate his pain and grief, his sense of loss and concern, his hope for the future.
As his father, I was stunned, amazed, honored that he would share all of that with me, and proud of his ability to brave and articulate about such personal and emotional matters. He went from boy to man in my eyes. I know so many adults that couldn't do what he did last night. I will never look at him the same way again.
When he was done, he said, "And Dad, that is why every night when I go to bed, I yell 'I love you'. If you die in the middle the night, I want that to be the last thing you hear." I am a better man today for the lessons I learned last night.
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