Just when I think I have it all figured out....it changes. I try to maintain a civil approach. I try to stay focused on what matters most. I try to give more than I ask for. I try to manage my expectations of what is possible. However, I get frustrated.
No one told me divorce was easy. No one told me that divorce would feel good. I knew when the divorce was happening that it would be at least 15 years (until Olivia was 18) of constant negotiating, and trying to find a common peace. It is not that easy.
I am flummoxed. (Isn't that a great word?) I want to build a meaningful relationship with my ex ... one that works for all of us. I don't know how to do it. He seems so angry with me still. I can understand. I upended his whole existence. I changed his world as he knew it. I get it. But, at some point, you have to move forward. I want him to have a full and happy life. I want him to enjoy every day. I have no ill will toward him or the life he is trying to build. Actually, I would like to celebrate it.
In my special little world (where clearly I am the only person living...) I would actually like to be friends with him. I always told him that it would be great if we could spend time together. What a great lesson that would be for the children. Now, I also know how unrealistic that is. But it would be great if we could at least not feel like we are going into battle before every conversation or dread seeing each other. Wouldn't it be nice to get a "Hi" at the beginning of an interaction or a "OK...Have a good day...I'll talk to you later" at the end?
He may never get over his anger with me. He may never forgive me for asking for the divorce. I am sorry. Not for asking for the divorce, but for upending his life. I have responsibility in all of it ... not sole responsibility, but I do acknowledge the role I played in the marriage and what I did that brought it to this point. But it is mutual. It would be nice if the ending could be mutually workable as well.
Dude, you wrecked his dreams and upended his life when you ended the marriage.
ReplyDeleteHe can't ever get away from you, because you have the children in common. In fact, the children mean that he's not going to be able to get away from you -- ever. Of course he's not going to forgive you, or be easy to deal with -- you screwed him over!
Trying to be friends with him is disrespectful of his awful experience. You're expecting him to set aside what you've done to him, and "be friends"? Better you should concentrate on treating him with absolute respect and cordiality -- that would truly be demonstrating something admirable to the children.
When you smash other people's lives, you can't expect them forgive you. The children are not a "get out of jail free card" for you to use them to get what you want out of life.
I always appreciate comments from readers. This comment, however seems particularly personal. It is important to remember that this blog is about my journey, learning and insights.
ReplyDeleteI can't ruin his life. I don't have that power. I understand that I am not a person that he wants to hang out with. We have two amazing kids (NOT get out of jail cards) who often feel caught in the middle and deserve parents that keep their best interests in the forefront.
I do not believe that anyone should stay married for the kids. They need parents that love them and are happy.
The difficulties we face are not because we are divorced...they are because we could not resolve them when we were married.
Divorce is not an easy thing for anyone but it happens. Having gone through one in the past two years and still dealing with it is not easy at all. But when children are involved the two parents need to work together. Why must it be a constant struggle and tug of war when it comes to parenting. One parent makes it difficult so that they can get back at the other parent because of the divorce. The only people that gets hurt are the children. Why can't two people move on? The past is the past and leave the past in the past. Yes people get hurt with a divorce. It is an ending of two people's lives together. Should two people stay together and be miserable because of children? I think not! The mature thing is to get along for the children's sake and teach your children that even though your parents are not together anymore, that they can get along and be adults. That is a great lesson.
ReplyDeleteSo to the anonymous "DUDE" try walking in someone else's shoes before you judge. There are always two sides to a story! Respect goes both ways!
...but more importantly - yes, "flummoxed" is a phenomenal word!
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