Parenting through the tough times.

I knew going into this parenting thing that there would be challenging times and tough decisions to make.  However, I just wasn't prepared for all incompassing some of the stress would be.  Let me open with how much I love my kids and would do every bit of it over again given the opportunity.  They are the most amazing people I have ever met and I am a better person for having the honor of them in my life. 

However...that said.  What the hell?  I have never felt such a loss of patience, stress and feelings of inadequacy before.  They are times when I just say to myself...where did my ability to breath go?  Why am I jumping and snapping so much?  This is a note to myself to breath more, realize they are just being kids and what they are doing isn't going to cause any harm, or distress...even if it is ridiculous and makes a huge mess!  It can all be cleaned!  Mess is part of learning and I can live with a bit more disorder ... but the constant back and forth, the sibling squabbles and the disregard makes me flip out.  The fact that I give an ok and then what he initially asked for isn't good enough.  If I say yes to 10 minutes then he wants 15.  If I say yes to 15 then he wants 20.  So, even trying to be agreeable results in frustration.

Update:  I decided that the best way to address this was with Michael directly.  I sat him down today when we had some alone time (which admittedly, we never get enough of).  I explained my frustration and he had some opinions (most of which I didn't think were headed down the road to resolution, but he was talking.)  I explained that I want to be more agreeable and not to yell so much (I hate that I am a "yeller", but it is the truth.).  He told me that yelling doesn't make him change that just ignoring it will get him to do what he needs to be doing.  However, not yelling and nothing gets done...I told him that he is solely responsible for his brain, his mouth and his body, and when those things go awry is the only time he gets into trouble.  We seemed to come to a nonverbal agreement that he would take responsibility for those things...but time will tell.  For now, I am satisfied that we talked and then went for ice cream.  It was enough for today...for both of us. 

sands through the hourglass

2011 is coming to a close...all too quickly.  It amazes me that the older I get, the faster time passes.  I tried to explain this to the kids, but ... oh well.

Every New Year's Eve, I make the same resolution:  To improve my mind, my body and my spirit.  Let's review.

I studied and passed my LICSW exam.  I have such terrible test anxiety and this was a huge hurdle for me emotionally.  This has allowed me to really put my career into a new perspective.  I changed my understanding of what my job meant to me and as a result, was able to change my attitude and approach, which led to greater trust and involvement from my boss.  I started a private practice and have been working diligently to get through all of the insurance boards so that I can build something by me, for me, that will eventually sustain me.

I met a great guy.  Joe has become an integral part of our family.  The children are extremely attached to him and he to them.  He has been a good and reasonable sounding board when I need to think through the tough parenting moments.  A true partner.  I am very thankful for him.

I have been fortunate enough to have really amazing friends that have gotten me through the tough, funny, sad, ridiculous.

I committed to run a marathon...and raise a ton of cash for charity.  This wacky idea has put me back into the gym and my muscles are developing and I feel stronger.  It has been a good message for the children and we talk about giving back.  I have already raised the minimum amount required and still have more than three months to go.  I can see the good in people...people I have never met that are donating to this.

So...long story short.  This year, I met my resolution!  I did it!  Tomorrow night I will make my resolution for 2012:  To improve my mind, my body and my spirit.  Let's hope that 2012 ends as great as 2011.  

Changing times, Changing paths

I don't know if it is just the time of year, or that my journey has taken me to the next stage of "What the hell do I do now?"

I have been lucky to have a very amazing, interesting and fulfilling career path, where I meet stimulating people whose life stories never cease to amaze me.  However, lately I have been thinking about what my next big step is.  As many of you know, I have recently started the process to grow a private practice.  I think the combination of the stress of my day to day job and the randomness under which it is all managed as really made me start to think that I need to restrategize how to move forward.  It has become clear to me that I am in a bit of a pigeonhole and won't find my way out anytime soon unless I make some drastic moves.

So...It looks like I am going to throw caution to the wind...again.  I am setting a deadline to be up and fully functional at a much faster rate than I had planned.  I think being my own boss, doing work that I love and being able to be more responsible to my family's changing needs has all led to this decision.  More to come!

Blase...it is more than a cafe in PTown..

So...here I am at work.  Feeling blase....  I wish I felt more motivated to get things done.  I don't.  I wish I felt like writing more to figure out my lack of motivation.  I don't.  More later...

Catharsis

Last night I had a parenting moment.  A real moment.  One I will never forget.  My son, who is turning 11 in February, showed me maturity, depth, kindness, consideration and attachment in ways that I could only hope to possess.

The past few months have been stressful with Michael.  Attitude, behaviorally challenging and pre-teen angst.  Or at least that is what I was naively attributing his challenges to.  I was wrong.  Something set him off last night. I stayed calm and told him that he was in control and that he alone would determine how the rest of the night would develop.  If he could control himself, it would be a good night, if he couldn't, well....  At one point he told me that I lie to him.  About everything.  That I never tell him things and he had questions.  Rather than being defensive (which is so easy to do), I told him that we could talk after I put his sister to bed.

We sat calmly at the kitchen table and he talked about and asked questions about my relationship with my brother (with whom I have no contact), the divorce, the custody agreements, my choices, the death of his grandfather, his views on my ex, his fear of the future and the mourning he feels for his "perfect family" that has been broken.  At several times during the conversation, he would start to cry as he sat there calmly...talking.  Flooding.  Unloading. Unpacking.  He had amazing insight and wisdom that I didn't give him credit for.  He did it all with a sensitivity that showed his allegiance to both parents and his sister.  He was able to clearly articulate his pain and grief, his sense of loss and concern, his hope for the future.

As his father, I was stunned, amazed, honored that he would share all of that with me, and proud of his ability to brave and articulate about such personal and emotional matters.  He went from boy to man in my eyes.  I know so many adults that couldn't do what he did last night.  I will never look at him the same way again.

When he was done, he said, "And Dad, that is why every night when I go to bed, I yell 'I love you'.  If you die in the middle the night, I want that to be the last thing you hear."  I am a better man today for the lessons I learned last night. 

So I realize that I have been writing this blog for more than a year.  I actually never thought it would last more than a week or two if we are being honest.  But here I am, still putting my mind's wanderings for everyone in the world to read, judge, be entertained (or bored) by.  I often wonder who reads these random musings.

Every once in a while someone will leave a comment, or send me an email.  The most surprising was an email from my mother.  The most thought provoking was when an anonymous reader commented (and reflected back to me) my own behavior.  While I may not always agree with the reactions of the reader, they are not my reactions.  But, I certainly like to know them.

I started this blog to help me sort out the narrative I always have running in my head.  It was by me and for me.  Now that I have readers, I wonder what they get out of it.  Maybe they are also trying to figure out that insane narrative in my head.  

The best way to really learn about who you are...is for your kids to tell you.  Unfortunately, they usually tell you in ways that aren't always the easiest to hear.  I have been trying lately to really parent my kids in the way they need to be parented rather than in the way that I want to parent them.  This is no easy task my friends!

My kids tell me that I am ruining their lives, that I don't listen, that I talk over them, that I am quick to react, that I push too hard.  (For the record, these are all the things I say about them as well...)  I am trying to slow down, take things in the moment without planning too far in advance, letting go of the things that really aren't that important, and trying not to hold on so tight (which is the hardest of all.)

I can't tell if it is that I am fearful of what will happen if I let go or if I am just terrified that I no longer have any babies and my role is less important in the immediate moment.  What happens to me when my children don't need me and my constant vigilance every minute of the day?  Have I outlived my usefulness?  Of course, reading this, I know it all sounds a bit crazy, but that is raw emotion that I get sometimes.  I waffle between being too strict and too lax.  Neither feels good and I can't seem to get the right middle of the road to go down. I tell myself that "some day they will thank me!"  (They will...right?)