Just when I think I have it...

Just when I think I have it all figured out....it changes.  I try to maintain a civil approach.  I try to stay focused on what matters most.  I try to give more than I ask for.  I try to manage my expectations of what is possible.  However, I get frustrated. 

No one told me divorce was easy.  No one told me that divorce would feel good. I knew when the divorce was happening that it would be at least 15 years (until Olivia was 18) of constant negotiating, and trying to find a common peace.  It is not that easy. 

I am flummoxed.  (Isn't that a great word?)  I want to build a meaningful relationship with my ex ... one that works for all of us.  I don't know how to do it.  He seems so angry with me still.  I can understand.  I upended his whole existence.  I changed his world as he knew it.  I get it.  But, at some point, you have to move forward.  I want him to have a full and happy life.  I want him to enjoy every day.  I have no ill will toward him or the life he is trying to build.  Actually, I would like to celebrate it. 

In my special little world (where clearly I am the only person living...) I would actually like to be friends with him.  I always told him that it would be great if we could spend time together.  What a great lesson that would be for the children.  Now, I also know how unrealistic that is.  But it would be great if we could at least not feel like we are going into battle before every conversation or dread seeing each other.  Wouldn't it be nice to get a "Hi" at the beginning of an interaction or a "OK...Have a good day...I'll talk to you later" at the end?

He may never get over his anger with me.  He may never forgive me for asking for the divorce.  I am sorry.  Not for asking for the divorce, but for upending his life.  I have responsibility in all of it ... not sole responsibility, but I do acknowledge the role I played in the marriage and what I did that brought it to this point.  But it is mutual.  It would be nice if the ending could be mutually workable as well.

Learning from other's journeys

So…I have this friend who has been going through a really tough time for the past three years.  Harder times than I think I could have survived to be completely honest with you.  During the worst of it, he relied on me a lot.  He needed strong guidance and someone to carry the load.  I was happy to do it because he is such a great guy.

Then, as he got stronger and more capable of dealing with the trauma and hardship in his life, my role ebbed back into being a “friend” more than a “driver”.  This caused a seismic shift in our relationship because he felt abandoned and questioned my commitment to him.  I can only imagine what a frightening and lonely feeling that was for him.  We have since had discussions that, in my opinion, I have not abandoned him but my stepping back from managing situations for him is a celebration of his self efficacy and ability to make good choices.  And now, we can be very balanced friends. 

I know my friend reads this blog and nothing written here is new news to him.  But I think that every once in a while you have to tell someone that you are proud of them.  That you think their personal journey is one that serves as a learning lesson for others.  That you realize that life is still hard and there are major challenges to overcome – but that you know they can do it. 

Friend – I am impressed by how far you have come.  You have inspired me.   I may not be carrying you anymore…but I am always there for you.  

Reconnecting and revitalizing

It has been a particularly difficult week on many fronts.  (I do believe I did my fair share of bitching to those closest to me....)  I have been struggling to remain focused on what is important, to allow others to have their own experience -- which might be different from my own and to feel the grace that is in my life everyday.

It is that grace that was brought to my attention this week.  Those that have been in my life for many years may recall a wonderful time when I was doing long distance cycling to raise money for AIDS research and treatment. One of the most amazing things happened during that time.  I met a group of amazing knitters from all over the world.  The power of the internet brought us together to create amazing works of art in the form of blankets that were auctioned off and the proceeds were turned into research funds.  That autumn, I travelled to New York City and a large group of these knitters met me in Bryant Park for "Knitstock".  An amazing day that was filmed for television.  These women touched me by their humanity, generosity of spirit, their connectedness to something bigger than themselves and their acceptance of me.

Unfortunately, as often happens, we drifted apart as life overtook daily routines.  I often thought of them and wondered how they were doing, who was the recipient of their gifts and how lucky I was to have them for a while.  Then...as luck would have it.  They found me.  First one, then another...and guess what...many of them are still connected, and knitting, and relating.  It was like a homecoming for me.  I missed them.  Many of them I never met in person.  Some I met as I traveled around the country.  But, I missed them...and now we are together again.

It is people like this group of unlikely friends and knitters that remind me about the humanity around me.  That I am part of something bigger than my day to day existence.  That there are great people in the world.

Purlie Gurlies...It is so nice to see you again!!

Balance and Coping

I am a lucky man.  I have two wonderful children and a remarkable relationship that is blossoming into something more than I could have hoped for.  My job provides me with a living wage (although I would like to live a bit better...but wouldn't we all?)  I have a warm and welcoming home.  I have been able to see the world and have experiences that most of my friends will never be fortunate enough to have. 

However, I am feeling anxious.  I am in Florida with Joe.  He is blissfully sleeping and I am wide awake.  My level of stress and anxiety is particulary high tonight.  I am finding that some of the basic cornerstones of my ability to make it through each day are becoming more challenging.  My ex-husband has become far more inflexible in our scheduling...which results in additional challenges for my work and managing our kids.  Work is about change and reinvention these days...and that means that I have to make more difficult choices between earning a living wage and doing what is in the best interest of my children. 

I feel like I am not able to balance the important cornerstones of my life and as a result everything is feeling out of whack.  I am not coping well with this (hence being up in the middle of the night writing in my blog....)  My stress levels are extraordinarily high this week.  I worry about my kids and want to shield them from the challenges that are in front of us.  I worry about my job and how I will balance it and show that I have the appropriate commitment so I don't lose my income.  I worry about my ability to continue to negotiate and find a path forward with my exhusband when I have no control or influence on the situation.  I worry. I worry. I worry.