All I want for Christmas is...

Clearly things have gotten a bit stressful this week.  I am travelling through London and Dublin for eleven days for work.  It has been a long and exhausting week.  Everyone has anxiety dreams when they are faced with periods of uncertainty, stress or pressure.  My favorites are when I am naked in a business meeting while everyone else is wearing suits...or I show up and I forgot that we were having a test and I didn't study.  I typicall will find a way in my dream to cover my nakedness or manage my way through the multiple choice.  Dream done.

However, last night's anxiety dream was the most horrifying dream I could have had.  I am sleeping at home (not my apartment but a nice brownstone which I have to admit, I would love to own!)  The house is immaculately clean.  Everything is put away orderly.  There is nothing out of place.  I wake up in the morning and the kids come running to me with arms open, lovingly.  So excited to see me.  And they stop immediately.  I don't have to ask them what is wrong because it hits me instantly.  It is Christmas morning and there are no Christmas decorations, no stockings, no presents. 

They children are stoic.  They don't cry.  They don't ask me what's wrong or why.  They just become quiet and go about their business.  I tell them to hurry and get dressed because we are going out to breakfast and then having a shopping spree at the toy store but they are less than interested.  I call people that are important to me to share my devastion. I wake up.

Now that I am awake, I am fairly confident that this is all about my being tired from this long trip (going home tomorrow).  I know that I would NEVER do this to my kids.  But, it was the most horrifying concept to consider. 

Big Daddy's Cub is Leaving the Nest...

There are some days as parents that you know your children struggle but it is a good thing.  A great learning lesson is had.  Children will grow from the adversity and become better people.  Stonger. More aware and vibrant.  While you want to swoop in and save them, you know that they have to handle it on their own.  Their ability to do so, shows that they are getting ready to break away and become fully formed people.  But it still sucks.

Yesterday, Michael in all of his joy and excitement saw two of his favorite neighborhood kids at the park and ran out to play soccer with them.  Instead of their usual sense of inclusion and good behavior, these kids told Michael immediately that they didn't want to play with him.  They wanted him to leave the park.  Michael, in all his bravado and sense of community, stayed and tried to ingrain himself into the game until the boys told him that he was annoying and unwanted.  I could see this unfold from window and knew something was up.  Michael calmly turned and walked out of the park.  By the time he came into the living room, he was in tears.  He couldn't understand why his friends would do this.  He couldn't think of anything he did wrong. 

I look at this with two different views.  First, my personal experience view.  I was never the popular kid. Michael is.  So, the meaning attached to this somewhat minor (in my opinion) event is different.  Because I was always the outcast, my reaction would have been "Of course you don't want me in the park...no one does...so go screw yourself!  I am going to do what I want!"  Michael's view was "No one has ever told me they didn't want to play with me and that I was annoying (except his sister who doesn't count).  I don't know what to do with these feelings!" Coaching him through it required a lot of new skills on my side!

The second view is the parent's view.  I wanted to go outside and kick their boney little asses.  How dare those overly entitled, arrogant, insensitive, thoughtless brats hurt my sweet and loving child?  Big Daddy was on a tear! (OK...for those readers that are concerned....I just glared at them out the window with laser focused disgust...but they never even saw me).

P.S. Later in the night, Michael was being less than kind to Olivia.  A simple reminder of his excursion in the park and he was sweet as pie to her!  Lesson learned.

Minding my business

Over the past few weeks I have fallen off my diet.  I don't think I have gained much, but I feel the sluggishness and scope creep happening.  I am making a public declaration that I am getting back to minding my business...and eating better!  So...if you see me with an eclair, a double stuffed baked potato or anything with creme fraiche...you have full authority to let me have it!!

Settled vs. Settling

I have always had the notion that being in a relationship meant that it was formed through compromise.  Each partner giving and taking as needed -- hopefully in a fashion that didn't make the other feel like a loss has occurred.  Growing up, I understood that to be a good partner you had to forgoe something and your partner would do the same to meet you in the middle.  All in all, it felt like both partners had to settle for the best situation they could negotiate.  Settling. 

Of late, I have had the wonderful opportunity to begin a relationship.  This relationship feels different to me.  While, I have to admit, it has only been a few weeks, this feels completely different.  I haven't looked at him, us or our time together and made any trade offs at all.  No he is really great but ...and I can overlook that . No I wonder why he does that...and I wonder if I can teach him to stop. No I wonder if I can slip that out of his wardrobe without him noticing that it is gone. 

I have been feeling quite at ease with everything.  The pace feels natural, not rushed or dragged.  The level of intimacy feels right.  All of our social, intellectual, and emotional engagements have felt fulfilling and natural.  I am at ease with where this relationship is today.  I don't feel the need to speed it up or take it down.  I don't feel the need to explain why we are together or why this guy.  I just feel.....settled. 

This has brought a new understanding; a new perspective on relationships.  I am not sure that I have ever felt settled in a relationship.  I have had previous relationships with wonderful people that have added rich color to my life...and I will always be grateful for them.  Some of them are still in my life...others have sadly slipped away.  (Perhaps a side effect of settling?)  However, I have often tried to manage, control, negotiate and/or protect a relationship (because it felt fragile?).  I make no promises or predictions of what happens next other than I am feeling completely in this moment, loving every second of it and feeling great in my skin....Settled. 

Courage

Several months ago I posted an entry here on my blog about judging people and how my awareness was heightened.  One of my readers posted a comment stating that s/he felt that judged by me.  Several of my other readers responded to defend me but I found the inital comment to be quite insightful.  That poster had decided to remain anonymous during this discussion.  I stated I would love to know who the poster was if the poster ever felt the desire to discuss the actual situation directly with me...for my own learning and growth and the opportunity to make it better for him/her.  I could never figure out who the poster was....

...until yesterday.  Yesterday, the poster commented to me and self identified and was able to give me some detail about what was behind the post.  I have been thinking about it with great intensity and really trying absorb the new information.  I was told that one of the concerns of the poster was that I had greater social power.  This was a concept that I had to chew on for a while...and continue to do so.

So, to the poster....and now we both know who you are...thank you for the courage of your original post...and for identifying yourself to me.  You can take credit for an important part of my personal growth. 

Riding the Wave

Riding the wave of good Karma has me looking to the future with new energy and a touch of caution. While caution isn’t always my usual modus operandi, I have found that the past two years has taught me to be more mindful in my decision making. As a result, better things happen


In the past few days, I have thoroughly loved the exploration of a new relationship with a man that has been a joy to get to know. I have met with my financial planner to create long term and meaningful goals about how to construct a future that feels valuable and important to me. And, I looked at some homes for sale (even though I am not ready to buy just yet.) It is kind of looking for an engagement ring when you are single, but just the same…fun to look. The children and I are finding more moments of connection and joy than usual.

So, for today, life feels great and I am enjoying this wave of good Karma. I am doing everything I can think of to ensure it continues!

Karma Baby!

Wow..the power of Karma never ceases to amaze me.  I am humbled by the forces beyond me.

Several weeks ago, everything seemed out of balance.  (See previous posts)  I was yelling at the kids all the time, struggling at work, feeling exhausted, not taking care of myself, making poor choices about daily living.  The result was an extremely unhappy, unsupported and frustrated me. 

After taking stock in my life, reassessing my situation and the choices I made, small alterations needed to be made.  The payoffs have been huge. 

Since those new awarenesses and changes, I am sleeping so much better.  I am not yelling at the kids (as much or inappropriately).  I am seeing big wins at work in peer relationships and professional credibility.  My pants are fitting better.  My bills feel more manageable.   I advocated at work to lessen my Spring travel schedule so that I can focus more on me.  AND I have found excitement in my personal life again. (First off, I am feeling like I have a personal life which is a huge improvement!)  And, a terrific someone has shown interest in me in a way that feels natural and realistic.  (Who knows what this means or what it could lead to, but I am thrilled for the "today" and am not planning any "tomorrows" ... yet!)

Karma...you can't fight it!