Am I Lonely?

Several people of late have asked me if I am lonely. My classic response is "No!"  However, when I reflect on the real question, I am not sure what the real answer is.  What is "lonely" and do I feel that way?

I often feel that I am supposed to be strong and independent.  A real classic American male who can fight the wilderness, tie a perfect box knot, hunt for dinner, provide a safe and warm home for my family, be ultimately self-reliant.  Does that mean that I have to do all of that alone and if I am doing it alone, do I have to feel good about it?

I think the real question people are asking is "How are you surviving the transition after divorce?"  I am surprised that now more than three years after the separation and breakdown of my marriage, I am still feeling the effects of divorce.  Somehow, I just figured that this would be the time of rebuilding, feeling strong and vibrant and I would have moved on with my life.  In many ways, I have.  I have a stable home.  The kids seem to be doing particularly well and are only challenging me in age appropriate ways.  My career seems to be on track and I am happy with my job.  Financially, I am making it (not easily...but making it).  But, am I lonely?

I think the real answer is still "no" (minus the capital letter and exclamation point).  Do I miss being married?  Yes.  I do not miss being married to my ex, but I do miss being married.  I miss the emotional give and take.  I miss the security in having someone pick up where you fail.  I miss the ease of comfort in being able to say to a friend "I would love to meet you for a cup of coffee."  For now, If I am not working, I am single parenting.  There is no "Me" time.  There is no "Us" time.  There is only "You time".  I think of sharing intimacy -- both physical and non -- with someone that wants to share intimacy with me. 

Am I lonely?  No.  Am I tired of being alone?  Yes.  But, what a learning lesson this has been.  I do not want a relationship by default simply because it is available to me.  I want the right relationship and until that one comes along...I will continue to hunt for dinner as any classic American male would do.